Who Would Play Me In The Film of My Life?

Can I Make Ten Points About Trench Coats?

1. I was overjoyed the other day when I saw an interview with Christopher Bailey, the creative director of 'Burberry' where he said that the most stylish thing that had ever been captured in a movie was Meryl Streep wearing a Burberry trench in Central Park in 'Kramer vs Kramer'.

Do you think he really meant it, or was he merely trying to Suck Up to his bosses?

Hard to say really.

But looking at that picture above, I'd have to agree with him.

Of course, I've had a Love/Hate/Couldn't Care Less Relationship with Meryl now for many years. At present, I'm half way between Love & Couldn't Care Less, although I do think she would be the most Sensible Choice to play Me in The Movie of My Life.

I'm now frantically trying to think of a good name for the movie, or would we call it a 'Biopic?'

I can't come up with a name. All I can think of are names of films that have already been made that have got nothing to do with me.

Like 'The Unsinkable Molly Brown', a stinker of a film with Debbie Reynolds in it.

Or 'Thoroughly Modern Millie', another stinker starring Julie Andrews.

Or 'The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe', a film that might be a stinker but I can't really say because I haven't seen it, which usually doesn't stop me from pronouncing something a stinker

.

How about 'The Thoroughly Unsinkable Wardrobe'?

OMG. How far have I moved away from Trench Coats? And I'm only at Point 1.

2. I would loved to have a Burberry Trench. But they cost $5,000. I read this in the newspaper. Perhaps it isn't true.

3. I have a 'Ralex' trench that The Ex-School Nurse gave me as a kind of swap. I defy anyone to tell the difference between it & a 'Burberry'.

4. Every Woman & Her Dog Literally is wearing a trench in My Suburb, Potts Point, which has a Dog Shop, 'Paws Point', that sells Dog Outfits & Accessories. There are v. few dogs who venture outside without a trench these days.

Its a Trench Coat World, After All.

5. Even though trenches are considered to be a Fast track to being stylish, I do believe it is possible to Look Slovenly in one.

6. There are some Strict but Simple Rules to wearing a Trench that Hunter is beautifully illustrating, below.

a. Always tie the belt like he has done it. If you don't, it shows that you're Not in the Trench Club.

b. An alternative to 'a' is tying the belt at the back.

c. The Modern Update to Meryl's billowing Trench is to wear it above the knee.

d. To avoid Slovenliness, always button it up.

7. The Most Famous Movie Featuring The Trench: 'Casablanca', worn most famously by Ingrid Bergmann & also by Claude Rains. This film really began The Trenches long association with Stylishly Tortured Goodbyes on Rain-Soaked Airfields.

I have completely made this up. But I'd love it to be true.

An Unfortunate Series of Wardrobe Conundrums

In keeping with my Strict Policy of Never Explain Never Defend, I am definitely not telling you that I have been sick as a excuse for Not Blogging.

I am telling you because 1. As a poor Abandoned Princess, I'm always angling for sympathy.

2. It is a Mildly Interesting Story.

But where oh where do I begin? Do I start where the trouble began on the previous weekend when I finally cleaned out my Shiny On the Outside but Quietly Rotting on the Inside Stainless Steel Refrigerator?

Or do I cut to the chase to last Wednesday nite's dinner when the problem really came to a head?

Let's go with the dinner.

1. Desperate to infuse some Comfort & Warmth into a small straggly bowl of cauliflower flowerettes, I reached for some 'Weightwatchers' grated cheese from the fridge, confident in the knowledge that since I had just cleaned it out, everything in it was reasonably within their Expiry Dates.

2. I sprinkle cauflifower with said cheese & microwave it.

3. I eat at least three mouthfuls before I Smell a Rat.

3(a) I abandon eating it.

4. I go to bed.

5. I wake up at 4.30 & wonder what's wrong with me.

6. Five minutes later I know what it is.

7. I am sick for two days.

8. I originally blame the Basil Infested Gourmet Sausages that I ate along with the cheese soaked flowerettes.

9. But then I drag the 'Weightwatchers' plastic wrapper out of the garbage & read with dismay that it was five months past its expiry date.

10. I feel relieved that it wasn't a Mystery Illness as I was beginning to think that perhaps I had a Brain Tumour that had vomiting as a symptom.

Anyway, that top photo was taken on the day of the illness. Its a lesson in, 'You Never Know What's Going to Happen Next'.

One minute you're standing next to the whiteboard pondering Descartes' Dictum -' I think therefore I am' & feeling Rather Smug about it & the next you're lying next to the toilet in a foetal ball wondering whether its worthwhile trotting back to bed before the next attack arrives.

Do bother to scroll back & behold my Andy Warhol Marilyn tights. I haven't worn them in a while & decided they needed an airing, although I was concerned that I may look a little (a) Moutonesque in them (b) Carnival Workeresque in them. (Of course no offence to Carnival Workers intended)

I did enjoy wearing them even though Nasty Ernestina in the staff room said that it looked like I was going back to 'The Bad old Days' . Whatever that meant.

Please note that I'm wearing my almost, but not quite favourite shoes - thrifted Subtle Electric Blue 'Ballys'. They certainly lend a Minnie Mouse quality to my outfit.

But where oh where is Mickey, I wail?

Lastly, I'm wearing a little badge with lips like Marilyn on them that I bought at 'Diva', my favourite shop in the entire world besides 'Bednobs & Broomsticks'.

Here's me last nite while mindlessly waiting for my guests to arrive for the weekly 'Mad Men' dinner.

Please note that I wore an item of clothing that v. soon was to create Some Controversy amongst the guests .

Underneath my Plastic Toy Biker's Jacket, I am wearing a Real Dolce & Gabbana top which has only got room to say 'Dolce & Gabb' on it. How appropriate.

Tyler & Hunter, both young hip men, said that wearing brand names was Absolutely Fine except that they didn't do it anymore. In fact, Tyler was wearing a V. Born to Rule Lightweight Cardigan with the 'Pringle' insignia emblazoned discreetly on it but no words.

They said, as long as it wasn't a 'Diesel' bought for two bucks in some country Famous for Counterfeiting, or perhaps a 'Lonsdale' brand, it was Perfectly Acceptable.

I felt Affirmed.

But then Carlotta, ever the purist, said that she thought wearing a brand name on your front was Cheap & Pointless.

I was crushed.

What a Knife's edge I live on.

Desperate to create another controversy, I quickly made another Costume Change straight after 'Mad Men' finished.

This time it was a genuine silk shirt by 'Valentino' that had been languishing in the racks at 'BednobsEtc' for the past two, or was it three weeks, slowly lowering in price.

Last week before my illness set in, I finally decided to put it out of its misery by purchasing it for five bucks.

I was thrilled. Fancy, me & a Real Silk Shirt by The Last Emperor Himself!

I made everyone guess what brand it was.

No one could come up with the right answer until I mimed someone tanning their face under a sun lamp.

Knowing the brand made absolutely no difference to the Universal Opinion that it was awful. Even though shoulder pads were back in fashion, they weren't the right kind of shoulder pads. It needs a belt or something. The pattern looks tired. Like Valentino was phoning it in the day he designed it. The elderly woman who owned it probably died & it was generously donated by her niece.

I am now Setting Myself an Official Della Street Wardrobe Challenge.

I am going to wear this shirt to school or perhaps more wisely on the weekend & Make it look good. Or perhaps, will it to look good. Never fear, I'm going to do Whatever it Takes.

After all, if a sixteen year old from Australia's Sunshine Coast can sail around the world on her own like Jessica Watson did, I can make this Tired Old Valentino Silk Shirt look chic. Or at least presentable.

I've been trying to think of a way to mention Jessica all through this post.

Now I've done it, its Time to Go to Bed.

Well, almost.

Oh, here's 'Ol Dolce & Gabb unadorned. Please note that I am wearing Pants but I would rather call them Slacks which is what they were called when last I wore them back in 1979.

In fact, they're Harem Pants, bought in the Girlswear Dept at 'Best & Less'. I can only buy legwear from the children's wear depts of these places because I have such short stumpy little legs.

Absolut Bedtime

I have exactly five minutes to write this blog entry. And I'm not correcting any mistakeks.

Like for instance, the image aboe. I had Absolutely No Intention of including this in tonite's entry. It just decided it for itself.

It is a Recent Painting. I hope you like it. I love painting/collaging Really really nasty schoolgirls who are shameless bullies & snivelling victims. They are interchangable roles that I am quite comfortable playing.

I have Much More to report. But with two minutes left......

Rebecca kindly asked to see what I was wearing the other day. So here's half of it if you can be bothered scrolling down that far.. I can't believe I wore all those necklaces at once & no one suggested that I take at least one off. People are Kind.

It is now Absolut Bedtime. But I don't want to go. Instead, I want to tell you about how hot & excited I am.

Hot - because I've just been out in the hot street, paying a lightening visit to Paul, who lives about two hundred metres down the road. He called me & announced that he had a whole lot of 'Vanity Fairs' that he wanted to get rid of & would I come & get them. Like a shot, I was out the door, even though it was was way past nine pm. I wheeled my Elderly Shopping Trolley down the road, wheels squeaking all the way. Then, in a lather of sweat, I wheeled the trolley, full of mags back up the street praying that one of the wheels wouldn't fall off.

Talk about Life on the Edge.

I can't wait to get into bed & start furiously flicking through them.

The Insatiable Quest for Authenticity

1. The Fashion Police.

It is Saturday Nite. Exhausted from my usual 5pm Saturday Body Balance class at the Gym, I sit on the couch munching my usual Default Dinner - A Tuna Salad fortified with Baby Asparagus & Avocado.

I don't seem to be able to go a day without an Avocado.

Lately, they've been as Hard as Rocks.

So disappointing & frustrating, particularly when I try & eat them. But that's a whole other story.

As I munch, I watch The Style Network's, 'Fashion Police'.

Joan Rivers & Juliana Rancid & one of those Kardashians as well as a little Style Goblin who often features on Makeover Shows are sitting around discussing Fashion Crimes at the Grammys which must have just been on.

Joan is hilarious & makes all the other people just that little bit more bearable. I now wish I could remember some of the things that she said, although I do remember that the panel discussed the fact that Heidi Klum never wears undies even though her dresses are Butt-Skimming.

I too, went through that stage.

Anyway, the photo above of Mitch, who works at 'BednobsEtc', is an example of A Fashion Crime.

Mitch is modelling a dress that must have had a past life as a large curtain for a bay window. It was labelled a Size 10 (perhaps a size 6 in the US). Someone must have liked it though, because it was gone this morning.

No one could look good in that dress. Not even Kate Moss. Or Even Heidi Klum.

Mitch treats me like I'm a v. wealthy Dowager who needs cheering up.

This morning he was out the back sorting clothes when I arrived. I'd been there about fifteen minutes & the Pickings were Slim. There was a Very Real Possibility that I might go home Empty Handed. Quelle Horreur!

I was desperately trying to imagine what an Ascended Master might do in a similar situation when Mitch appeared & casually asked, 'Have you found the 'Ferragamo' bag yet?'

Immediately, my Flight/Fight Mechanism swung into action.

Heart pounding & Palms sweating, I raced to the Bag Section & frantically began searching.

Of course it wasn't there.

Jane, the sales assistant was summoned.

'I don't remember selling it', she said.

That's right. A totally- out- of- it Junkie with a great eye for Designer Labels had snuck in & stolen it.

'Let it Go', the Ascended Master inside me commanded.

Ten minutes later while I was still relentlessly trawling through the racks, Mitch appeared dangling the bag from his Pinkie.

'Will this do, Madam?' he inquired.

For once, I really did feel like an Ascended Master.

But then the doubt inevitably arose.

'Is it real?' I asked all & sundry whilst closely examining the stitching for telltale shoddiness.

At least six people, all experts in their field, surveyed the bag . But no one, including myself, could decide. I think I'll just say that it is.

Ah....The Insatiable quest for Authenticity.

2. A Postscript.

Do you remember that I mentioned that in a bid to closely resemble Holly Golightly in 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' I was thinking of experimenting with Eye Shades?

Well, I actually bought some. Only five bucks. Reduced from maybe thirty bucks. From the Gift Shop at the Rupert Bunny Exhibition at the Art Gallery.

It's v. strange what they sell at these places. I personally couldn't remember seeing any eye shades in any of Bunny's paintings, but perhaps I wasn't looking hard enough.

3. Lastly.

Please note that the Teddy Bear that my Grandfather bought for me as a Coming- Home- from- The- Orphanage Gift when I was two weeks old is wearing the new eye shades. Teddy has been a v. faithful companion to me for all of my life.

Shame about the Human Teddys.

4. Lastly lastly.

Please also note the Patchwork bedspead that I bought in Bali for twenty bucks & carried home in my Carry On Only Luggage. What a shopper. What a traveller.

Who else do you know that can take ONLY Carry On Luggage on an overseas trip & still come back with Bedspreads & Napery as well as a whole load of Wooden Items ?

If I'm Going to be Zen-Like, Everything is Fake, Isn't It?

Welcome Back!

Look Look Look at Me.

I'm wearing Sunglasses at Night.

And they're not Any Old sunglasses either.

They happen to be Tom Ford sunglasses perhaps from his new range.

There's absolutely no doubt that I am turning into a Label Whore.

It all started with Fake Bags. And then Real Bags. Not the ones under my eyes either. Although they do appear to be Real. But if I'm going to be a Zen Buddhist, everything is Fake, isn't it?

Anyway, back to Tom & Me. I think I'm wearing The James, or is it The Daniel?

All of Tom's new range are named after Men. You may be wondering who James & Daniel are.

James is James Bond & Daniel is Daniel Craig & I'm modelling the sunglasses that Daniel wore when he played James in the last movie of the franchise.

Clearly, Daniel Craig has got a much larger head than I have. Sadly, they make me look a little silly. Perhaps Bug-Like. But certainly Not Stick Insect which is my least favourite look.

Speaking of Men, look look look, below.

It's A Man!

Yes, I think that this is one of the first times since Mr Ex-Middleaged left that I have featured one, unless you count Little Wig-Wearing Karl Lagerfeld. But you couldn't possibly count him as he himself has declared that he doesn't have any human emotions. Lucky thing.

Meet Bernard.

Doesn't he look like he's just stepped off Teddy Kennedy III's yacht in Hyannisport?

And guess the name of the glasses he's modelling?

Yes, they're called Jack. After Jack Kennedy. They are supposed to be Exact Replicas of the ones that he famously wore. I thought for one wild moment that he may have been wearing them when he was shot, but I checked the Zapruder Film & he wasn't. What a relief because it would be just Too Creepy if he'd had them on that day in Dallas & now Tom was reviving them.

Although, Jackie was wearing that pink classic Chanel suit that was sadly splattered with blood & it didn't affect It's popularity. In fact, it probably added to it immensely.

You may or may not be wondering why we are modelling Tom Ford Sunglasses.

It's Tyler, my step-son's birthday v. soon. Ever since he was a small child he's been an admirer of Tom's style. So, I've selected The Jack for him. I think it's a wise choice.

Too Good to Send

I've been desperate to design & sell my own personal greeting cards for some time.

Like years.

I would just love for the Entire World to be awash with my cards.

The thought of running a Large Greeting Card Empire from my desk in the Classroom fills me with glee.

But do you think I could do something like that?

Sadly, up until now, No.

Not that I have any immediate plans to set up the Empire at present.

But so far the Practical Details of doing such a thing have eluded me . It is far easier for me to stand in front of the whiteboard rabbiting on about how Alfred Hitchcock bullied all his blonde leading ladies & how after she shot the shower scene in 'Psycho' (which I'm showing to Year Neuf tomorrow), Janet Leigh could never take another shower again. In fact, she died without ever showering.

Don't think that I'm dissatisfied with my job. Who could fail to have a Sense of Daily Purpose when such Important Information needs to be conveyed to the Youth of Today. What could be more important?

Perhaps saving the planet.

But failing that, I'd like to have a Card Empire. I've even made up a name. I'm not going to tell you what it is in case you might want to steal it because it's a Great Name. Not that I don't trust you or anything.

Practical Considerations that Seem to Be Beyond Me.

1. Printing Cheaply but Beautifully.

2. Getting Cheap but Beautiful Card Paper whatever you call it.

3. Making a Profit.

Anyway, here's a card that I made.

Hope you like it.

The Power of Hair

Since my return I've been engaged in a number of activities v. often with camera in tow.
Activity No. 1: Attending Westfield Mall at Bondi Junction in Sydney. 

Even though most people I know speak disparagingly of The Mall as if they aren't sucked in One Bit into Shopping & would much rather be out in the Open Air Horseriding or Absailing or Yodelling up Mountain Passes, I enjoy, Nay, Revel in them. Particularly if they have a 'Chanel' Shop, which Bondi Westfield has. To me, being within Touching Distance of a Real Chanel Quilted Bag is rather like being in the presence of a Famous Saint's Relics or a Splinter off the Crucifix. 

I'm also a sucker for the Jewels. So, when I spied some on  the rather Shifty Looking Mannequin in the window   who had a look on her face as if she'd just done a Revolting Room-Emptying Fart, I reached for my camera & began snapping. As quick as a flash, a Swarthy Security  Personage appeared out of nowhere & said it was Against the Rules to take photos. My Past Self would have perhaps told him to 'Get Nicked' or maybe something even stronger, but My Current Self  wouldn't allow me to say anything.  I couldn't help but scowl at him though  & almost, but not quite, flick my Middleaged Ponytail in his face. It's amazing how Powerful Hair can be. Thank God I've Still Got Some. 

 

An Trip Down Olfactory Memory Lane

I must admit that I got a Slight Shock when I glanced at the date of my last entry. 

Last Tuesday. And where I live it's already Monday night almost bedtime.

Practically a week.

Of course, owing to my Strict Rule  of Never Defend Never Explain, I am not going to Say Anything. 

Except, look at that wonderful snap of MBF Marge who is currently visiting Sydney on a v. short whirlwind trip to visit her 96 year old mother, Aileen.

No, she's not visiting the Sydney Aquarium. We would never do that. 

We were in the Cosmetics Section of 'David Jones', a large department store that has been around for centuries & prides itself on being Exclusively Snotty with Absolutely Nothing to Back it Up. 

 We were poking around  the crap perfume section which has more Tropical Fish in it than actual bottles of perfume. But I must say, that until the Bad Smell Under her Nose 'Dior' shop assistant came up & started commandeering the testers , we were having a great time.

It was a kind of Olfactory Trip Down Memory Lane, where we started with the newly-revamped Miss Dior 'Cherie' that smells Totally Wonderful , before moving on to 'Diorella' & then 'Diorescence', which reminded us both of the seventies, we thought. Maybe. 

It's funny about Smells. They're capable of immediately transporting you to some other time & place in a nanosecond. But I just couldn't quite remember when & where. 

Anyway, I far prefer these Old Dior Smells to slightly newer ones like the aptly-named, 'Poison', or any Smell that Paris or Brittany have lent their name to. So, do yourself a favour & rush straight to the Dior counter & smell them. I promise you won't be disappointed.