To Market To Market to Lay a Fat Egg

I'm Almost, but not quite, Half-Crazed. 

It's saturday night just before eight. I've just posed on a pile of clothes & bags that hopefully I will sell tomorrow at the Rozelle Markets. 

By the way, I can't believe the Half-Arsed way I'm posing like I'm just about to star in my v. own MILF Film (Rude Films with Middleaged Mums having sex) - like  I'm a  salivating middleaged woman hungrily waiting for the Pizza Delivery Man to arrive with a Salami Pizza. Or maybe the plumber who's going to Unclog the Drain. 

Let me assure you, Nothing is Further from My Mind.

As soon as I finish writing this post, I'm going to cram all that stuff & more into newly-purchased plastic checked Homeless People's  zippered bags. Then I'm going to lug them about a hundred metres  to the Kings Cross Car Park where my car is stored on a lower level. And then I'm going to pop them into the Boot, or Trunk if I was in North America, but I'm not, so it's The Boot. Maybe I'll have to make a number of trips.

Then I have to immediately Get into Bed & turn the light off. Hopefully by 9.30. This is my New Official Bedtime because I read a book by rubber-faced ex-actress, but expert on ageing, Suzanne Somers who said that we all should go to bed at that time because all the Hateful Cortisol or whatever that makes us look a hundred & poisons us, leaves our bodies most effectively if we're asleep well & truly before twelve. Hope she's right.

Then I have to get to the market which is across town by 8.05 am. sunday morning.

I'm sharing the stall with my friend the Ex-School Nurse & her beautiful daughter, Guinevere, who incidentally I used to teach many moons ago. They are super-stylish & organised. 

I'm definitely hoping that some of that will rub off on me.

I have not much of an idea of what to charge for things. 

Stomach Churning as a Lifestyle Choice

It's been a Stomach-Churning Week.  The photo above, where  Year 11 students have appropriated The Sacred Whiteboard whilst I look on in   puzzlement, has nothing to do with it. But then again, rarely do my accompanying pictures have that much in common with what I'm writing. 

Both the photos are of course Wardrobe Remix shots, & my wardrobe rarely, if ever gives cause for Stomach Churning. In fact, I think it's fair to say that My Wardrobe, which is Definitely Not a Static Entity, is a source of Continual Delight & Amazement to me.

You may think I've stepped over the line here into Shameless Bragging. And perhaps you're right. But all the same, it's True. 

Every day except Sunday when it's shut, I visit 'Bednobs & Broomsticks' Thrift Shop which is conveniently located at a half-way point  between my home & my place of employment.  In other words, it's about a hundred metres from home, & a hundred metres from school. Just about every day I manage to find some item to drag home & place inside My Wardrobe. Like everything I'm wearing just about in both photos. Actually, in this case, it's strictly not true, but the boots & the skirt & the top are from there. 

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I suppose I should tell you why it's been a Stomach-Churning Week, not that I use the blog as a Confessional or anything.  Quelle Horreur!

Well, I finally sent a email to Mr. Ex-Middleaged who I hadn't heard from since New Year's Eve. No one that I've met in my entire life has been in a relationship for fourteen years where they've owned homes & apartments & beach houses & raised a blended family inside them only for their partner to suddenly leave without any warning & not hear from them.  For months. And   not do anything about it. Just carry on living like it Never Happened, only that it did happen. 

Other women look at me in amazement. I can hear them saying to each other 'You know, he walked out on her & she's just taken it. If it was me, I wouldn't put up with it for five minutes'. Hard as it may be to believe, a few sensitive women have actually said something like that to me. It's a real Conversation Enhancer.

So, I finally got sick of feeling like a Modern Saint Sebastian, you know, the poor bloke who was martyred by being struck by like a hundred arrows or maybe poisoned darts. Or the Poor Old Woman dragging the little wagon of wet firewood, which I believe is known as 'faggots', behind her. 

So I sent him an email at 8.25 am yesterday morning & received a reply by 8.32. It took me four days to write something that was literally Dripping in Dignity & another whole day to actually 
click  'Send'. 

I'll keep you posted.

The Towering Inferno Shoes

While I'm on the topic of Shoes, I couldn't help but post this gobstopping photograph of Kate Hudson's Towering Inferno  Shoes taken at the Time100 World's Most Influential People Dinner last week. 

I wonder if Kate Wobbles or Totters when she walks in them? 

For some reason These Shoes make me Full of Rage.

It's Raining Thrift! Hallelujah!

I've gone Totally Overboard on my New Slightly Slutty Look. In fact, I've become so stuck on it that it's affected my usually Impeccable Judgement. 

This morning I breezed into the staffroom & found my colleagues gathered around Our Leader, The Head of English. We all love her.  I'm not saying this to suck up or anything because I absolutely know she doesn't read this. She's far too busy.  

Her rather classic & understated style is often amped up by the addition of an Indian pashmina or an interesting piece of statement jewellry. 

But this morning, The Head of English had her ash blonde shoulder length hair out, not tied behind with a clip. It also looked  Blow-Dried. Straight.

'Ah', I began, 'I can see that you too are Embracing Slightly Slutty.'

The Head of English stared at me.  My colleagues collectively Snorted.

I scurried back to my desk.

 

My Best Friend Marge has been following my Ascent into Slightly Slutty & has filled  me with Praise. She thinks the key to it is definitely The Shoes. Marge quotes The Wise, ObiOneCanobi from 'Star Wars', Sir Alec Guinness who said that he always established a character from the shoes up & that once he got them right, it was plain sailing!

I wonder what shoes he wore in 'Star Wars'? I imagine grey felt Moroccan Slippers , that were slightly turned up at the end like Elf  shoes. 

Talking of shoes, look above at my Italian Leather boots I bought at 'Bednobs & Broomsticks' thrift shop on saturday. I honestly can't believe the truckloads of stuff I've been getting lately.   

Oh, by the way, everything I'm wearing, including the cute 'Pringle' man's zip-up cardigan was also from 'Bednobs'.

Of course I believe that My Poor Dead Mother is somehow or other cosmically arranging for these items to be coming my way. 

I know that sounds nutty, but I've always thought that Mum, who died over two decades ago, is watching over me & helping me. Since Mr Ex-Middleaged left, I've asked her so many times to help me. And I feel that her main area of help at present is in My Appearance. She was always obsessed with how I looked, so it kind of makes sense. And what's a little strange is, that although she certainly wouldn't have gone along with Slightly Slutty, she certainly thought that the key to an outfit was The Shoes.

Before I finish, I must draw your attention to the earrings in the first photo. And thank, fellow teacher, sandrabollocks for sending them to me as a birthday gift. 

Abundance

Another Update - Slightly Slutty

Remember I said that my posts this weeks have a theme - Updates? And then I updated you on Mr Ex-Middleaged kind of & then on my Abundance Through Frugality Life Project?

Now it's time to update you on my Slightly Slutty Project. 

For some months now I realised that I wanted to Change My Image.

 Que? you may  ask. 

Well, now that I'm single, I decided that it was time to Set My Chickens Free or maybe Peddle My Papayas while I've still got any. 

Besides, I was getting a little worried that I was looking Bagladyesque, if that makes sense. Or a little Too Eccentric or perhaps  like I was Permanently Dressed in Fancy Dress. None of those labels interest me at all, although in my last post I confessed that I sometimes like to dress as a Scottish Woman or a Trekkie. That was a Total Lie. The closest I would  ever get to Dressing Scottish would be to wear a tartan scarf, never a kilt, particularly a pleated one with a large safety pin hanging off it. Nor would I dress as a Trekkie, unless I managed to get my hands on some Sixties Courreges or Pierre Cardin Space Age Wear. But, I've got as much chance of scoring any of that stuff than I have of being invited to go on the next Space Shuttle.

So, I decided that I'd start looking Slightly Slutty. 

This was a challenge. How can a Middleagedwoman do this? 

For a start, in my view, there's nothing worse than women my age showing any flesh at all, particularly their Bosoms. Every time I see Large Swathes of Mammary Gland out on show, I recoil in horror & almost have to physically restrain myself from shouting out 'Put those Girls Away!' 

About the only part of my body that I feel reasonably comfortable revealing are my Finely Turned Ankles &  calves. For some reason, it appears that that part of me has Forgotten to Age like the rest of me, although maybe that's because I haven't been looking at them with my glasses on lately. 

But please don't think that I'm full of Mid-Life Self-Loathing. Or that I've got the Body Awareness of an Anorexic. In fact, I'm full of gratitude for having this body. And also that over the past three years I've lost nine, maybe ten kilos - around eighteen pounds.

Now that we've cleared that one up, back to Slutty. By the way, in my staffroom we've got a number of terms for it, curiously all starting with the Letter 'S'   - Slapper is everyone's favourite, but I personally like 'Slurry'. Of course, like when Gay People call themselves 'Queer', we're  Reclaiming these words as Our Own.

A Vital Ingredient for Slutty is definitely Footwear. 

You can't trudge around in Elf Shoes or Sensible Shoes, although the Australian Style Invention, The Ugg Boot, a disgusting creme furry flat heeled boot that makes women look like they've got Incredibly Fat Sheep's Legs, is the exception to that rule. Ugg Boots, worn with Denim Skirts that were so short that they skimmed the Panty line, were Popular Trailer Trash Chic a couple of years ago, & in some circles may still be in Vogue. 

But I'm not sure that Slightly Slutty & Trailer Trash are in the same Venn Diagram.

So, I decided that I had to start wearing heels. Not the Towering Inferno type, like the ridiculous Golden Torturers that I noticed Kate Hudson wearing at the Time 100 Most Influential Dinner this week . No No & NO.

I think Mid-Heels are enough to create the right effect. Notice my thrifted Midnight Blue 'Ballys' in the photo above. I think that they do the trick.

Anyway, this afternoon, I got the Ultimate Accolade from my friend & colleague, Trixie Drew. Over pea & ham soup at lunch she said, 'You know, in that outfit, you don't look just Slightly Slutty.' And then later in class, a couple of my Year 9's looked at me in amazement & said, 'Ms Middleagedteacher - you look really great today'. 

I knew I was on the Right Track.

It's an Update Kind of Week

Being an English Teacher, I'm always looking for Themes. 

Maybe I'm biased, but to me Death is the most popular theme in English literature. I guess it's what we've all got in common with each other.

 I often like to Dress Thematically, you know like a Scottish Person or a Trekkie or something. Sometimes I like Dinner Party Conversation to have a theme, like 'Where Are They Now' or 'Therapy Through The Ages' or my personal favourite 'Ageing'. But rarely, if ever, do I have a theme on the blog.

But it seems that this week is an exception - I have a theme - Updates!

Yes, in Monday's post I gave a kind of update on Mr Ex-Middleaged and today's post is an update on January's obsession with 'Abundance Through Frugality'. You may or may not recall it. And Such a Timely Theme it was too, with the Financial Crisis or Recession, or maybe, Depression. 

Anyway, last year I embraced Frugality. I've always liked the Idea of Frugality, but I never cared for the Meanness that often went with it. My Grandmother & Great Aunt Essie always saved string which they kept in a kitchen drawer. In fact, I think String Saving was a v. popular pastime for folk who lived through The Great Depression. Not that my relatives were Mean. They absolutely weren't. But it was more that I always associated being frugal with Used String. 

And what a revelation it was to discover only last year that there was far more to Frugality than String . You may be surprised to learn that it opened me up to a Whole New World of Fun, Excitement, Challenge, & dare I say, Risk! 

You see, I'd always had a Shocking Attitude towards Money. If I had it, I'd just spend it. And then I'd be Gripped with Panic when an Important Bill would arrive & I couldn't pay it. Many's a year when I'd drive my car with Absolutely No Car Insurance because I didn't pay the bill. American Express finally took my card away after twenty-five years because I didn't pay the bill. And I couldn't go back to the Neurologist because I didn't pay the bill. Not that he deserved it. But that's a whole other story.

By now you're probably wondering what all this talk of shocking financial irresponsibility has got to do with the pictures that accompany the text. 

What would a picture of a small indoor forest, old linen tea towels, a wardrobe shot of me & then a picture of a woman in a bathing costume have to do with Frugality?

Well, the Indoor Forest is a current installation in my kitchen. Because I no longer buy flowers, I have to find other ways of having some Nature around . I often drag flowers & branches home that I find on the street. Lately, I've been asking Natalie, the School Gardener, who prunes every week, if I can take home some offcuts. This week she gave me The Small Forest. I'm so thrilled, but  sadly, the leaves have already begun to fall. 

Oh well, Everything's Temporary.

The tea towels are wonderful vintage ones that I found at 'Bednobs & Broomsticks' thrift shop. They're Irish Linen & of course I can't bring myself to use them. So I had to go to the supermarket & buy new ones. 

But it was a Good Try at Frugality.

Talking of 'Bednobs & Broomsticks', here's some cute shoes that I bought there recently for twelve bucks.  They were probably a half a size too small when I bought them, but because I have a Flexible Attitude towards Shoe Sizes I bought them anyway. Amazingly, they seemed to have Slightly Stretched, which is the first time that a shoe has ever done that for me. Thank you, Caring Shoes.

Oh, that's another thing about Abundance Through Frugality - I actually notice & appreciate what I get. And I feel grateful for everything. Before I wouldn't have even noticed.

Here we are at the last photo. I just love it. It's a picture of Hateful Hjordis, the wonderful actor David Niven's second wife who apparently could have been the original model for the Evil Stepmother in Hansel & Gretel. It was in last month's 'Vanity Fair' magazine. In the past, I spent literally hundreds of dollars a month buying magazines. I was obsessed & used the fact that I'm a collagist as an excuse to fuel my obsession. 

Now, I still get magazines but I don't pay for them.  I 'borrowed' the magazine from 'Zinc', my local cafe, photographed all the things that interested me & then took the magazine back to the cafe with no one the wiser. 

Next post or so, I'll tell you about my Adventures with Garbage in part two of 'Abundance Through Frugality- An Update'.