I'm Not Just a Thief of Other People's Intellectual Property

Hello & Welcome to My Frustrating Little Life.
For weeks I've been making the above video as a little celebration for Turning 60.
When I finally completed it, I anxiously uploaded it to YouTube.
It took ages not just because I couldn't find the Upload Button (or is it Icon?).
It took sooo long that I rang my internet provider to inquire if I had Connectivity Problems, which I know has been a problem in other areas of my life, like Relationships.
But no, I didn't.

Anyway, finally it uploaded.
But then a Nasty Notice Appeared telling me that I was using content owned by EMI (the song, And She Was by Talking Heads) & that my video was blocked in Some Countries (which turned out to be two French-sounding places that I'd never heard of, no offence to the French).
I became Alarmed.
But then I decided to ignore the notice after acknowledging that in fact I was using content owned by EMI.
Mea Culpa.
For personal reasons that I can't possibly go into now, I totally loathe Copyright.
If you knew the reason, I'm sure you'd understand & not think that I was just merely a thief of Other More Important People's Intellectual Property.

But the Other Snag is that I can't seem to change the Syndication Settings for the video (sorry to become suddenly so technical) & now it won't play on mobile devices or iPads.
I can't stand it.

Above is a Deleted image from the film.
I couldn't work out a way to use 'was' in the sentence as all the other sentences in the film start with 'If I Was....'.
And  'If I Was Doll Hair'  just didn't sound right.
Also, it looks like I've got a giant Cold Sore on my bottom lip which I don't have but it was created by the Magic of Photoshop & I couldn't be bothered trying to fix it.
I do hope you can manage to watch my film.
I guarantee that it's Kind of Worth It.

If I Was Part 2

Hello & Welcome to Turning 60.
To celebrate, I'm dressing up as my Favourite Women of all time.

 I actually would have hated to have been Bette Davis.
What a life.
All that fighting & flouncing.
Although I would have liked to have said, 'Fasten your seatbelts, we're in for a bumpy night'.
Maybe I could say it anyway.
But I must say that I love wearing her eyebrows.

 Talking of eyebrows, I absolutely adored wearing Joan Crawford's.
She really knew how to Give Good Eyebrow.

Lastly, but not Leastly, it was such a privilege to wear the Queen's diamonds. I particularly enjoyed the tiara, although it was a little heavy.

If I Was

 Did I mention that I'm turning sixty this week?
Well I am.
I can scarcely believe it.
And what a time I've had.

To celebrate, I've given myself a v. special treat by dressing up as some of my Favourite Women Over 60.

 What would have I been like as Secretary O'State, Hillary, I wonder? I'm sure it wouldn't be any more demanding than having Year 8 last period on a friday afternoon or supervising a group of Year 7s whilst they're waiting for their Cervical Cancer Booster Shot.
One thing's for sure, though.
I certainly wouldn't wear Matching earrings & necklaces.

 And I'm sure I'd be terrific on The Red Carpet.
Except I certainly wouldn't wear Bright Yellow.
I look enough like a canary as it is.

But I think that, despite all the fab Jewels & wonderful outfits, it would have been a pain to have been The Duchess of Windsor.
Imagine having to spend decades of your life trawling around the major pleasure spots of the World on yachts & luxury liners accompanied by an adoring husband  who gave up his Crown for you?
Even if he was an infantilised whining toad.

A Yawn & a Snore All Rolled into One

Hello & Welcome to My Last Week As a Woman in Her Fifties.
Yes, hard as it is to believe, I'm leaving my fifties behind on Friday.
That Ship (or is it, Boat?) has sailed (or is about to set sail).

The question is, will I still be able to call myself, Middleagedteacher?
I do hope it's not stretching the truth too much if I keep it because there's something Quite Unappealing about the term Elderly Teacher.
But wait.........
Could there be a more attractive alternative, something I've never considered before?
Advanced Teacher perhaps?
OR
better still,
Senior Teacher?
There's something rather Sassy but Dignified about Senior Teacher, don't you think?
I'll have to ponder it.
All week, by way of Celebration, I'm making my Fellow Colleagues come up with Names of Fab Women Over 60. In fact, we've managed to have a number of catagories - Fab Women over 60, Not So Fab Women Over 60 & Women Who Will Be Fab When They're 60.
Of course, we've all come up with the Tired Old Usual Suspects - Helen Mirren, Judy Dench, Susan Sarandon, Hillary Clinton.
But I'm wanting Fresh Names if not Quite Fresh Faces.
You know, Women that don't immediately spring to mind.
And they don't have to be still living.
But I don't mean Katherine Hepburn. Or The Duchess of Windsor. Or Coco Chanel even though I would walk over wet cement for a Chanel Bag.
If you have any interesting suggestions, drop me a line.
And don't suggest Miss Piggy. She hasn't reached 60 yet.

Oh....BTW, the photo above is selected outfits from my Lenten Wardrobe Challenge.
What a total yawn & snore all rolled into one.
And....there's still over two weeks to go.

Trapped in Black

It's Monday nite. I've just watched The Fashion Police Oscars Special whilst eating a large bowl of lamb mince that I've tried to dress up by adding Moroccan Spices-in-a-Packet & pine nuts & raisins & figs.
I know that I'm Completely Off Topic (but as Regular Readers well know, this blog has a mind of its own) but I've come to realise that the World is divided into two types of people -
1. People who like to add fruit to savoury dishes & salads
&
2. Those who don't.
I belong to the first category.
I like nothing more than to add mango to a tuna salad.
Or team a red onion with a red papaya.
I could keep going. But I won't.

Instead, I want to talk about the first picture which you may have to scroll down to see. That's the trouble with the Blogger App, it won't allow me to sprinkle the pictures in with the text.
Anyway, I'm desperate to show you this Stop Worrying Road sign photographed by my almost favourite Still-Alive photographer, Tim Walker. I have it as Wallpaper on my new Skinny & Slippery iPhone 5.
If only all road signs contained more pieces of advice that I could quickly take heed of.

Like in the morning when I'm scurrying down the hill on my way to school loaded up with laptop, iPad, lunch pail & handbag , listening to Pool Old Whitney Houston belt out, "I Didn't Know My Own Strength" on my iPhone.
If only one of those people who hold up Stop Signs at schools could suddenly dart out in front of me with a large sign that said BREATHE, I'd be all set for the day.
I must give this some more thought & come up with more Advice-Giving Road Signs.

I've now gone on so long that sadly I've almost run out of steam.
And it's nearly bedtime.
But before I go, I'll just quickly walk you through the rest of the pictures which I assume are below.
Four of them are of me wearing the same old black dress or pretty much the same dress as part of our Lenten Wardrobe Challenge.
It is now Week 3 & there's still weeks & weeks to go. Already, we've had to remove two items from our tiny repertoire of items which brings the number down to eight.
The whole thing is unbearable.
Why O why, did I choose to go with the Sackcloth & Ashes Theme & wear black every day?
At least I now know why those Nasty Nuns who taught me were so cranky.
They were trapped in black.
It doesn't seem to matter how many strands of Toy Pearls I wrap around my neck or how many Toy Cartier bangles I wear, I'm still Trapped in Black.

The weekend however, is an entirely different story. Look look at me on Saturday at Bednobs & Broomsticks photographed with Brooke, a volunteer at Bednobs, who was so desperate to sell this Poor Old Neglected Bridal Dress that probably someone was jilted in that had been hanging around the shop for months, that he modelled it.
There's on or two many "that's" in that sentence. But I couldn't be bothered changing it.
Sadly, there were no takers. Must be jinxed.
I'm standing next to The Bride in a new Shades of Chanel gold & yes, black shirt that I bought from them earlier in the week. I felt like a Free Woman.

I must now hop into bed & dream of Advice Giving Road Signs.

Miles of Red Carpet But No Oscar

Good evening Viewers, I'm coming to you live tonight from The Red Carpet.
For what seems to be about the last fifteen hours I've been with The E News team watching actresses wrench themselves out of their limos, hike their strapless dresses back up to where they should be so there's no unscheduled nipple or sideboob exposure, & stagger up to the red carpet all the while being yanked by passerbys stepping on their trains.

Thank God I don't have that kind of trouble in the classroom.
Imagine my stress levels? Through the roof.
No Armani Prive.
No having to make sure I pronounced "Haute" as in "Haute Couture" properly when the interviewer asked who I was wearing.
No people stomping on my train.
No wearing two million dollars worth of Fred Leighton jewels. (But then not having to return them in the morning unless of course you are Poor Old Lindsay Lohan who would sadly lose them at the after party)
No threat of Wardrobe Malfunction seen by six billion viewers.

I couldn't believe what Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence wore. It was this strapless Dior gown that was v. fitting in the bodice, but then it hugely billowed out at the bottom. In fact, the dress was so voluminous at the bottom, it looked like all the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz could happily hide in there.
But my personal favourite was Sally Field who was still recognisably the Gidget that I soo loved & was desperate to be like when I was fourteen. I was thrilled to read in Wikipedia that she is 66 & has got osteoporosis. Not that I want her to have it, but that she talks about it.
On the almost eve of my 60th bday, am frantically trying to come up with a list that doesn't just have Helen Mirren & Meryl Streep in it of Fab Old Dames that will make me feel better about getting a Seniors Card.
Must now urgently hop into bed. Too late to watch The Actual Oscars.
Oh, I almost forgot, here's me in the classroom not wearing a Train or Fred Leighton Jewels or Armani Prive. As you can see, I'm still wearing black dresses. This one got worn three times last week which sounds gross. I'll let u imagine me daintily scrubbing it every nite before hanging it over the bathtub to dry.
In case you are wondering what I'm doing in the photos, I'm madly shaking my arms so they'll look more athletic.

Perhaps Too Many 'Nots'.

I'm so exhausted from Wearing Black All Week.
But not exhausted enough not to curate another blog entry at Doll Hotel. (Oh dear, I can't work out if I've put in One Too Many 'nots' in this last sentence. I do hope it's not a sign of Early-ish Onset Alzheimers).
Note I used the word 'curate' which could to some ears sound Slightly Pretentious, but I hope not to your Ears.
The theme of the blog entry is one of my favourite sayings-  (along with Keep Calm & Carry On which has been so overused that I sadly cannot ever use it again, but I can still quietly Think It)  Alert But Not Alarmed.

In case you were ever wondering what I was like In Real Life whatever that is, this saying totally sums me up in a nutshell.
I do hope you can take a look.