Monday, April 28, 2014

Never Too Matchy Matchy

Like most loud women, I've always been a fan of Joan Crawford.
Admittedly, I went through a stage that lasted about fifteen years of loathing her after I first read Mommie Dearest & then saw the movie.
Who could ever forget the chilling opening sequence where Joan , played by Faye Dunaway is shown washing her face first thing in the morning from a massive sink full of ice cubes?
I can't imagine any of the beauty gurus of the time like Elizabeth Arden or Max Factor or even that arch-punisher, Helena Rubenstein recommending doing anything like that.
So she must have made it up herself - The Masochist's Guide to Achieving Non-Saggy Skin Over a Certain Age.
Maybe I should try it.
But far more train-wreck gruesome were the photos featured in the book & of course brought to life in the movie of Joan & her adopted daughter, Christina wearing identical outfits.
Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if both of them were wearing a simple black sheath under an ocelot coat or a mink stole, but it was always something truly pukey like matching pinafore skirts awash with frilly bits & bows. And character shoes & sox. Perfect for a six year old, but not for a film star over forty.
And even though it was all smiles in the photos, you could tell that they hated each other's guts.

Take a moment to seriously study the photo I've generously provided, below & you will see what I mean.
Then after you've done that, look at the photos taken at Easter of my daughter, Maeflower & Me. The only thing that links us to Joanetc is our matching outfits in both pictures.
In the first one, we are both wearing identical shirts sadly in a synthetic fabric by Peter Morrisey for Big W. He used to be a big name Australian designer who is now reduced to designing for Big W but maybe that's not such a bad thing if people like Jason Wu currently design for Target. Not that I'd recognise a Jason Wu if it knocked me in the face with the coat hanger it was hanging on, but I thought I'd drop his name to make me sound like a Fashion Bligger. Oops, I meant Bloogger.
Blogger. I think it's time for bed.
But before I do, I must alert you to the v cozy matching slippers also from Big W that we're wearing. They have a kind of Alpine feel to them which is apt because Canberra at this time of year is v nippy particularly at nite. In fact, I slept in them.
After that, we couldn't keep the Matching Outfits at bay. They became a force of nature & there was nothing we could do to stop them. The next day, we found ourselves sniffing the roses in the garden out the front of Old Parliament House with matching grey tops & black bottoms.
One last thing, as hard as I tried, I could hardly smell a thing from the roses.
Are roses losing their perfume as a result of global warming, or is it just my nasal passages?

Monday, April 7, 2014

The Right Kind of Powerful For Me.

Rarely, if ever do I want to be anyone else. Usually, I couldn't be bothered.
But just lately,as I trudge down the hill to school each morning, I've been wondering what it would be like to be really really powerful.
And as I trudge, I compile a list of powerful women who I could become.
So far, it is a v v short list.
Desperate for inspiration, today I turned to my almost favourite class of 16-17 year olds in Year 11.
They know everything, I said to myself, they'll give me some names.
Ellen because everyone knows who she is without having to use her surname.
Michelle Obama. Really?

What about some Australian examples, Girls?
Everyone immediately yelled out Gina Rineheart. Or maybe it's spelt Rhinehart.
I was shocked. But of course they could be kind of right.
World's richest woman.
Hates welfare recipients.
Most of her children hate her.
Maybe hate is too strong a word. Perhaps, resent.
Desperately needs a makeover. But the same could be said of me.

Like the highly trained performing seals that they are, the girls kept on rolling out suggestions until they became hoarse.
Foreign minister Julie Bishop. Lockjaw.
Cate Blanchett. Far too universally admired.
Ex- Governor General Dame Quentin Bryce. Too perfect. Hair a little bit too neat.
Governor of New South Wales, Marie Bashir. Overloaded with gravitas.
Best Supporting Actress Oscar nominee or perhaps even winner, Jackie Weaver. God no.
And on it rolled.

Finally, I had to admit defeat. Hate to say it but no Aussie woman has the Right Kind of Powerful for Me.
I had to go to my old favourite, Hillary Clinton.
And I turned to what must be the most famous photo of her - one that has inspired countless memes & blog entries & newspaper articles. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because she's sitting in an Airforce One type plane texting with sunglasses on.
Inappropriate Wearing of Sunglasses usually says one of two things -
1. Trying too hard
2. Kickass.
Clearly Hillary doesn't need to try too hard to do anything, so it must be Kickass.

Amazingly, I stared at the photo for so long that I actually morphed into it. Who knew I could do that?


Above are two v recent photos of me being powerful.
It felt wonderful.
I thrifted the black ornately pleated "Preen "dress last year from Bednobs & Broomsticks.
I remember the occasion distinctly. I walked into the shop on a Friday afternoon fresh from the classroom. I boldly walked up to the "Designer" rack & pulled out the dress, noting that the label was still on it with the original price blacked out & with the new price of $15 scrawled across it. I recognised the label as one that Important Fashion People who are in the know always crow about when they're asked in Harpers or Vogue what their favourite designers are. I immediately put aside any misgivings I may have had about the sleeves looking a little too bulbous & bought it.
I scampered home to check the average price of a Preen dress on the internet.
$1000. I rarely exaggerate. And anyway, if you don't believe me, check it out yourself.
Even though I've worn the dress a number of times, I still haven't had the heart to remove the label which is silly because it's rubbing against the back of the dress & is perhaps making a small hole. Quelle horreur!

In the last dress, I'm really feeling powerful as evidenced by the position of my arms.
Again, it's another thrifted item from Bednobsetc , this time a DKNY dress which also had the label still on it. But you'll be relieved to know that I cut it off because the original price was a mere $99.
I didn't realise that Donna could be that cheap.
You may also be interested to know that it is a Mullet dress - party at the front & business around the back hemline-wise. Trixie thinks it makes my waist look thinner than all those Von Furstenberg Wrap dresses I love wearing.
She's always right.
Lastly, I'm going to go to bed soon to think about Mickey Rooney who died today who I loved in the Andy Hardy movies even though they were twee. But he was cute & spunky.
And I'm going to dream of going to school in Airforce One.
And maybe tomorrow I'll wear sunglasses in the classroom.