I Didn't Mean To Hurt You, I'm Just a Left Handed Woman

 

 Hello O Reader.
I feel somewhat tentative because I offended Someone & had to delete the post that featured them.
They said that what I said about them was Defamatory & that I must come home at nite & down a few glasses of wine & then start writing the blog.
I was shocked & mortified. I quaked in my boots. I protested loudly that I Don't Drink & Blog. And, I felt stupid that I didn't really fully understand the Defamation Laws.
One good thing, though. I now understand how a Celebrity feels when they say or do Something Inappropriate & people get mad at them & then accuse them of  Substance Abuse. I could just see myself being photographed entering the courthouse for the Great Defamation Trial wearing a Slightly Slutty Dress not unlike the one that Lindsay Lohan wore for her  recent trial.
But you'll be pleased to know that this Whole Awful Experience has not deterred me from putting  people on the blog. See how I've put my friend The Ex-School Nurse on it?  Here she is outside a v. interesting shop in Waterloo that we visited on Saturday as part of a Massive Shopping Odyssey.
Have you noticed how popular The Union Jack is as a Design Statement? It's almost as ubiquitous as 'Keep Calm & Carry On'. And Burberry Patterns.  I'm sure it's a Worldwide phenomenon. Next time you venture outdoors, look around you. I'm sure wherever you are, even if you are in Alice Springs, there's bound to be  someone who has a  little Bit of Burberry peaking out from somewhere on their person. Or they're carrying a Burberry umbrella. Or a handbag.
I could go on & on listing all the products that feature a Burberry pattern & I could even make a guestimate as to the total number of Real & Counterfeit Burberry Patterned Items that are currently in World Usage. But I won't. OK... I'll guess the number: One & a quarter billion.  I just know that I'm right.

 Oddly enough, I was wearing  Toy Burberry on saturday, along with a 'Jaegar' pure wool cardigan with Patrician gold buttons that belongs to the 'Aileen' part of my wardrobe, named after recently deceased 97 year old Aileen, whose clothes & 'Ferragamo' bag I currently have on High Rotation.
You may notice that my Top & Bottom are Incongruous: The Top part of me looks like Polo (the game, not the brand) Matron, 1985 & the Bottom Half looks Punk Rocker Wannabe 1985. Note the curious zipper at the bottom of my footless tights. BTW, I'm now wearing high heels as often as I can. So far, I can still Walk. Or more accurately, Totter. Or Teeter.

 On Saturday, we also visited 'Extinct', the perhaps Seconds Shop of  'Dinosaur Designs'. I am in love with the colours & made a mental note to stop wearing so much black.After all, my current Fashion Crush is Anna Della Russo who looks like a Male Peacock at all times, even straight after breakfast.
As I look down at what I'm currently wearing, most of it is black, although I've got a silver & black thrifted 'Bluemarine' skirt  on which sounds a bit Nightclubby for a Day at School.

Below is Guinevere, who is photographed behind the counter at 'Extinct'. I was totally fascinated by her Japanese Kimono Style which she effortlessly blended with select 'Dinosaur' pieces.

Lastly, we visited 'Tea Parlour', an old fashioned Tea Room in Elizabeth Street Surry Hills.
I thoroughly enjoyed it & feel sad that Rebecca & Darla & Zizzi & Janavi  etc  can't visit it because I'm sure they'd appreciate the ambience as well as the Magnificent Quince tea that was served to us in a v. grand silver teapot.
I am constantly amazed at how smells & tastes can be transported to candles & tea & soap & bubble gum & lip gloss.  I'm still wondering how the hell can you stuff the smell of the Hall of Mirrors at the Palais de Versailles into a little scented candle?

 But I digress. Back to the script.
'Tea Parlour' was full of little still lifes. Or is it 'Still Lives'?
Presiding over the Tea Pouring was a gigantic stuffed Male Peacock whose gargantuan plumes enveloped the whole place. Now, that's the second time I've mentioned Male Peacocks in the one post. Clearly, just like Aileen's clothes,  they're on High Rotation right now.
But the stand out for me were the little clusters of Faux Fleurs that filled every orifice - from empty bottles of 'Veuve Cliquot' to beer bottles to Retro Enamel kettles to grand silver chalices.  Seriously, they totally looked like Real Fleurs. But Amelia, the gracious proprietor, assured me that they came from Go-Lo, which is incidentally one of my favourite shops. Of course, I went there yesterday & bought a whole mess of them for my own 'Still Lives'.

Time to go, but before I do, please read 'Reader Rita's comment in the previous post about Steamers. It's worth it. Also got to post a pic of me in my DVF Wrap Dress.
Oh......one more thing. I desperately hope I haven't Offended Anyone. If I have, I Sincerely Apologise. And I apologise for all those Careless Throwaway Comments that I've made over the years.  I didn't mean it. I'm just a Left Handed Woman.

I Never Knew I Had Ears Like An Alien

Rarely do young attractive Males feature on my blog. Except perhaps Tyler, my step-son. But he doesn't really count because he's Family.

Tim, featured above is Not Family.

But don't think he's become my new Toy Boy. Non, non & Double Non. Besides the fact that he's definitely taken by Lara, my Favourite Barista in the World, I am strangely not attracted to young men. I used to be. But that was twenty-five years ago. I've Moved On.

Oh, but not far enough, it seems. Lately, I've been desperately looking at Men My Age on the street, in the supermarket queue & dare I say, on the Internet, & sadly  they all remind me of my father. 

I loved my Dad. I was a real Daddy's Girl. But I never wanted to date him. And all these blokes over fifty I've been looking at look like Dad. Or Santa. Or Fidel Castro.

 

Anyway, back to Tim. He's an artist, graphic designer, design teacher & gallerist. He & Lara have recently opened Buckland St Gallery in Sydney with an opening exhibition featuring Tim's digitally altered portraits of people. The first photo is a straight photo of the person. The second photo is their left side merged & the third photo is their right side merged.

I was thrilled & honoured when Tim asked me to be a subject. Of course I was worried sick that my middleaged skin would look all wrinkly under such close scrutiny. I shouldn't have worried. Far worse were my Rogue Eyebrows & the Disturbing Alien Ears I've got in the third photo.

I dropped in to the gallery on saturday & became involved in a lively conversation with an excited lady who found the whole process v. fascinating. She was earnestly looking at everyone's portraits & deciding which side was vulnerable or hard or artistic or playful or whatever. She told me the Alien Ear side of me was the Disciplinarian & the other side was the Artistic Dreamer.

I was completely stumped. For the life of me, I couldn't see any of that . Maybe I was blinded by The Ears.

But of course I just loved the attention.

Not The Queen's Real Birthday

Fortunately for us in Australia, we celebrate the Queen's Birthday with the annual Queen's Birthday Long Weekend. Of course, it is a ridiculous celebration considering that we're basically a republic but just too lazy to change to one & it's also not the Queen's Real Birthday. But who's complaining?
While Mr. Middleaged is rotting in Europe, I've been staying at our beach house engaged in my usual activities - Frenzied Thrifting, yoga classes, meeting girlfriends, visiting the art gallery, taking photos, reading & watching Agatha Christie adaptations on cable tv & of course eating & blogging.
I've posted some photos that summarise my activities: last night I watched this super-long adaptation of Agatha Christie's 'Why Didn't They Ask Evans?' starring breathtakingly beautiful Francesca Annis. It was the perfect Globally-Warmed-Winter's night's entertainment that was marvellously complemented by drinking a glass of 'Frangelico.
Met my old friends, L& J at The Art Gallery. I persuaded them to pose for the blog, making them laugh because Middle Aged Women often look like Sad Old Crones in photos. I think they look Young & Vibrant which is of course, their Real Selves, not that we're Slaves to Youth, heaven forbid!
We all revealed that our teeth are falling out which is a disgusting thing to write, but sadly true. Thank heavens for fabulously expensive teeth implants & other Miracles of Dentistry. I wonder if Carrie & her pals discuss such things in the the new SATC movie, which I haven't yet seen, but am keen to. Surely after all this time they can't be still talking about blow jobs, can they? Was quite cheered to read that Kim Cattrell turned 50 during filming & still the young girls flock to see them!
My friends both looked great in dark blues & blacks, making me look a little bit like a Patchwork Quilt, or maybe someone who has raided a a charity bin & then piles it all on at once. This may sound a little harsh, but it could be true. I did notice that I was getting some raised eyebrows from Women of a Certain Age whilst at the gallery, but possibly that's my Inflated Ego talking.
The Art Gallery is a favourite destination for Wedding Photographs. This wedding party was a doozy & I couldn't help taking a few snaps myself. They all looked wonderful, but the poor bridesmaids were freezing their arses off. Perhaps they could have worn capes, but maybe that's a bit too Narnia.
The Queen's Birthday is not over yet. I'll get back to you with some more updates.

Thrifting Frenzy Blurs Judgement

My holiday is over. Back to work tomorrow. And it's a good thing. Maybe the solid routine of the classroom will restore some sanity. For the past two weeks, I've been in a Thrifting Frenzy, alternating between The Red Cross, The Salvos, The Wayside Chapel & St Vincent de Paul. The day doesn't seem complete without scoring some wonderful cast offs from one of these places. While I admit that I've picked up some mildly good stuff, I've also bought some Real Doozies, things that not even Kate Moss would look good in. You can judge for yourself in the pictures above.
The crunch came when I bought a heavily patterned pure wool dress for $12. Even though I suspected within the dark confines of the Thrift Shop dressing room that it just might be a little shapeless, I was nonetheless thrilled! But when I got it home I realised, yes, it really was shapeless, & no amount of adornment could fix it up.
But the good thing about Thrift Shop Addiction is that it's like Coffee Addiction - it's relatively guilt free. I'm addicted to two skim lattes , & a few thrift shop finds a day, which is a whole lot better than being addicted to heroin or gambling.
Now, that's a justification if ever I heard one!

Love Lollies

It's been a challenging Wardrobe Week. I've spent most of it outside of the comfort zone of the classroom at the Annual Swimming Carnival, at a depressing suburban 'Aquatic Centre' & then three days at a senior 'Retreat' at a pastoral location outside Sydney surrounded by enormous Alpacas (I think that's what they are: huge wooly animals that look like a cross between a camel & a horse) & a large quantity of high spirited 17 year-old girls. It was  full on: supervising a dizzying array of spiritual/personal growth activities interspersed with huge carb meals all to an Enja/John Denver/Cat Stevens soundtrack.

It was one of those Wardrobe Moments when I really have to dress for practicality & warmth. Sydney has been experiencing some unseasonally cold/rainy weather not seen in my lifetime which I'm sure is related to some horrendously depressing Global Warming Issue. This explains my rather bag ladyesque leg/foot attire. My feet were so cold, I couldn't feel them. So I loaded up with animal print leggings, thick black men's sox (stolen from B.) & polka dot flats newly bought from 'Target'.

But I had to wear some jewels. I thought my diamante 'LOVE' necklace suited the theme of the retreat & the multi-coloured beads added some colour. I can't go anywhere these days without a whole armload of little armbands mainly featuring religious icons. Everyone else seems to be wearing them too. But I don't care. I'll wear what I like!