Monday, April 30, 2012

Walking on the Wild Side

 Today is Sunday.
I often suffer from. Sunday Ennui
Perhaps it's a relic from childhood when Sunday Sucked. Often on sundays my mother would make Roast Pork for lunch which I loathed. She & my father would then lie & tell me it wasn't really pork but meat from a different animal called 'Chickenpork'.
I desperately wanted to believe them. The same way I desperately wanted to believe them when they swore black & blue that I wasn't adopted.
But on both counts, they lied.

God, this is getting depressing.
Maybe because it's Still Sunday & maybe also because I took a walk in the Botanical Gardens today where I was totally creeped out by the tree above that had Frightening Purple Hued Hands growing from it.
No wonder many people don't like trees & want to chop them down, although I'm not like that & I wouldn't admit to it anyway..

As I was trotting along the Gardens, I came across a v. large kookaburra.
I am not a Bird Watcher.
But I do like Kookaburras & I've been desperate to photograph one for years but they always fly off just when I have my camera poised.
Today was different, though. This one just sat there & let me get closer & closer until I was standing just underneath. I couldn't believe how wide was its Girth & how many feathers it had.
At one stage, I thought it might be a Stuffed Kookaburra. But then I realised that that was impossible because it kept on moving.
Later, when I told my daughter by phone, she suggested that this kookaburra might be tame. 

 After I finished taking the photos, I thanked the kookaburra & moved away only to spy a little girl who looked eerily like my daughter Maeflower when she was about three. She is now twenty-four.
And, for a brief moment, I wondered if Time was Playing a Trick on me.
It wasn't.

When I'd had enough of Nature I ventured out to Circular Quay which is the gateway to Sydney Harbour. The place was crawling with what appeared to be tourists. I felt somewhat out of place.

As I was walking & desperately trying to fit in, I spied a man smiling & holding his arms outstretched with a sign saying 'Free Hugs'.
I immediately inwardly sneered.
Who the hell is going to want to be hugged by a stranger while they're on their way to join a queue to get on the Manly Ferry, or eat a bucket of Hot Chips, I wondered?

Turns out, a whole lot of people.

I was shocked.
Older Men, younger men.....
Middleaged women......
                                    and Young women.
But not me.
I did ask myself if I wanted a hug but it turned out I didn't.
Instead, I opted for a chat.
The Hugger is called Chris & he gives out Free Hugs when he thinks there could be a need. And it appears that there is a Big Need. He said that he rarely gets negative comments. A woman yelled out once that he was a depraved sinner & may God forgive him. But that was the only nasty thing he could remember. I bet if I did it, I'd remember every nasty sneer or sideways glance that I ever got.
But that's just me.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Getting Even

 Welcome Back O Reader. I do sincerely hope you are Still There. 

Perhaps you're not. But I'll pretend that you are.
 And I'll imagine that you are wondering what happened to me. Where did I go? Did I simply lose interest? Did I run out of seemingly endless Rhetorical Questions to pose to the Blogosphere? Or did I run out of outfits to pose in? Or run out of anecdotes or TV shows to bang on about?
Not for a nanosecond.
No, I simply went on a Holiday.
A School Holiday.
And a Blog Holiday.
I wish I could say that I spent the entire time being expertly massaged by a Shiastu Master & having my Chakras realigned & soaking in hot mud baths & eating delicious healthy meals made from ingredients that aren't pronounced the way that they are spelled, like Quinoa for example.( Can you believe that it's pronounced , 'Kinwaa'?) O, & slurping huge amounts of Vitamin Water & Cocoanut Water. And maybe some Lite Lipo & Botox thrown in at the end.
Sadly, as you can see from the photo taken today on my first day Back at the Whiteboard, I did none of that.

 But yesterday I did take myself & my friend AJ & a v. generous Gift Certificate she gave me for my birthday off to a shop called 'Benefit' where I kind of had a v.v. small makeover, although you'd never know it from the photo, above.  The whole experience opened me up to a Whole New World of Problem Areas that I'd previously been blissfully unaware of.
Like Pores. I had no idea that I had large pores around my nose the size of small bunkers on a golf course. But thankfully, I was able to buy a product that hides them. And a whole swag of other products too.
I was thrilled.

 But the thing I admired the most was the name of the products. Like the one above.
I have no idea what 'Get Even' does, but it wins the award for the Best Name for any Cosmetic Product of All Time in my books.
I hate to say it, but I've always yearned to Get Even. And when I first  heard the expression, 'Don't get Angry, get Even', it sounded like the wisest thing that I'd ever heard. Of course, it was 1986 & I had a Mullet. So what would you expect?
The one time in my life when I seriously tried to Get Even, it backfired on me in a big way. Full stop.
But I do love Getting Even in Movies even though I can only think of one at the moment.
The First Wives Club. You know, where Goldie Hawn & Diane Keaton & Bette Midler were all married to Nasty Swine who they all publicly took to the cleaners, except that Bette Midler took her Swine back in the end & I applauded her for it . I'm sure I would have done the same if I had the chance. Which I didn't.
But that's a whole other story.

 After the  makeover & Major Pore Realisation, AJ & I browsed & window shopped. I quite liked the quotes that covered the window of a boutique in nearby Paddington. My favourite quote concerned sweat pants & of course Karl Lagerfeld said it. 'Sweat pants are a sign of defeat'.
But after giving it some serious thought, I'm wondering if women actually wear sweat pants so much anymore?  Maybe sweat pants are Over. And, my next question is, 'if they are over, what has replaced them?' I can't answer that. Perhaps you can.
Take a moment or two, if you can be bothered, to read some of the other quotes. They're sort of worth it.

 You may recall that one of my favourite pastimes is to furtively photograph pages from books in bookshops. Perhaps you may think me a Lousy Cheapskate who  gets her kicks from the possible risk of Public Humiliation by being frogmarched out of a bookstore by an irate book salesperson? I mean, think of the embarressment.....
But I just couldn't help but show you these two wonderful quotes that I found in a  little book that I sadly didn't notice the title of.
 After the bookstore, we went to a shop called 'World'. I couldn't help but be intrigued by the 'I heart NZ' badges, but couldn't for the life of me imagine wearing one.

 As we were nearing our car, I also couldn't help but notice the name of another boutique, below.
No matter how hard I try, I just don't get it.

 And then there was The shop next door. Easton Pearson, featuring Lime & Burnt Orange. I know that Lime is the Colour de Jour, but somehow I wasn't thrilled.
Perhaps I'm being a little harsh.

 I must must must get Into Bed. I'll never get up at 6.30 tomorrow which is my newish Regime. My aim is to bound out of bed in the morning like an Energiser Bunny who's just been fitted with brand new batteries.
I'll race out to the kitchen & before putting on the kettle,  drink two glasses of tap water even though a Health Professional recently informed me that Sydney Water had traces of arsenic & cat's wee in it. And perhaps an Eye of Newt.
 I don't care, I'm drinkin' it anyway.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Unparalled Cuteness

Apparently, Rabbits Don't Have Ears That Long.
Last sunday, I woke up v. early only to realise that I was totally out of Little Sachets of Apple & Cinnamon Flavoured Instant Oats.
Undaunted, I quickly dressed & scampered down the hill to the Supermarket, hoping against hope that no one would see me Without Make Up & wearing Uggs.
But half way down the hill, I stopped in my tracks when I came upon this Large Gaggle of Rabbits in the window of 'Macleay on Manning', a shop that sells Missoni Towels & Fornasetti Everything & Limoges Coffee Mugs & Prada Room Spray . And obviously Rabbits .
Perhaps you may prefer to call them Bunnys.
I was enchanted. They were adorable. And they meant Easter.
And Holidays.
As quick as a flash I took a photo with my iPhone.
But just as I was taking the photo, the spell was quickly broken by a neighbour, who stopped, took one quick look at the window & remarked, 'Sinister, aren't they?'
'Pourquoi', I inquired.
'Look at the way they're just sitting there staring at us. And they're all different. No two rabbits are the same. And what's with the ears? Rabbits don't have ears that long'.
Clearly, I'd unknowingly stumbled into a Parallel Universe.

 I'd certainly moved into a parallel universe in the photo above, taken in a Science Lab at school last week. Rarely do I venture to these parts, even though there's all kinds of enticing things to ogle at, like frog's fetuses & tiny dinosaur skeletons & dangerously fetid fish tanks with piranhas swimming in them. And models of the Human Heart like the one below.
Note I'm wearing a large Toy Dior scarf & a rather Nasty Spiked Bracelet that reflects my Inner Rage.

Did you know that the Semi-Colon reached its Peak of Popularity in 1800 & has been in decline ever since? Personally, I wouldn't give a rat's if it Completely Disappeared Tomorrow Morning, although I know certain people who hold great affection for it.
I mean, why bother?
But there's one Punctuation Mark that I do value.
The Question Mark. You can see one with a little noose hanging from it  in the photo below. I hope you don't think I'm being too maudlin or anything. I was just visually representing a line from a novel- 'The question hung in the air like a noose in the gallows'.
Let's Lighten Up.
In the photo below,  I'm having a Slight Wardrobe Malfunction because I wore my usual black singlet under the Ruffled Dusty Pink Pirate Shirt & it made its presence a little too felt. But I cheered myself up every time I looked down at the red & white Bruno Magli shoes I thrifted in Palm Springs this past  January.

 Smiling Coquettishly at Death.
I'm teaching a novel at the moment that's full of Death.  Small time thugs being found dead in cellars with their tongues cut out. People having their legs broken, that sort of thing. It's kind of Stomach-Turning, but I'm just waving & smiling through it all while I coquettishly point to the word 'Death' on the whiteboard, below.
I'm wearing a newly-thrifted miliary style dress in one of my favourite colours, Lite Elephant. 
On each wrist is a matching leather cuff with a strip of Toy Gold at the front.
I do love a Cuff. They're fun & classy.
Around my waist is a Toy Gucci belt. I'm just a Walking Toy Designer Brand.

 I decided to end this entry with a Cute Photo, just like the Nitely News likes to end their bulletins with a Cutesy Story like Marmosets dressed as jockeys riding Dogs on a Racetrack.  Or piglets doing Something Adorable.
The kitten below is called Dolly. She belongs to The Head of English who brought her to school because she was desexed & had to wear an Elizabethan Style Ruff around her neck which she kept on trying to get off. So, Dolly had to be Closely Monitored at School.
I think every Workplace, even an Abbatoir would definitely benefit by having a Pet.
 It humanises the place.