Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Fashionable Classroom

Hello & Welcome to My Fashionable Classroom.
Above, Dear Reader is a wonderful line-up of the Class of 2010's Top Achievers.
Three of them were my students, but sadly I can't take any of the credit, although of course I'd love to.

Here they were last thursday just after a special assembly at school where we honoured them & others.
On the far left is Madeline, who was My Official Wardrobe Diary Classroom Photographer for two years. Sadly, I'm struggling as we speak, to replace her. I just can't find the Right Person: someone who always remembers to stay back after class & take the photo; someone who doesn't suffer from Shaky Hand Syndrome & someone who would rather take my photo than rush off to the next class.
Next, is Emma who is channelling Beach Goddess. Emma is the closest I've ever come to teaching A Saint. One time, I went into meltdown during a lesson when I noticed that the Gold Buckle on my YSL flats had come unstuck. Emma immediately rushed the shoe & Rogue Buckle up to The Art Dept. where she expertly glued it back on. But that's not the reason why she's  a Saint.
Then there's Maddison, who, as a Peroxide Blonde has featured on this blog a number of times. She is brilliant & wonderful & always calm no matter what.
Then there's Me, Middleagedteacher, wearing a thrifted Kate Sylvester dress in a fabric that is trying to look like its Roughly Hewn Leather. I do like this dress, or rather I did before realising that it makes my boobs look like a couple of fried eggs with barbeque sauce poured over them. Perhaps I'm being a Little Harsh. But it's saturday nite & I'm totally boiling hot & I've got 'Billy Eliot' on pause & I'm up to the bit where Billy's Dad belts him up for taking ballet lessons & Billy calls him 'a bastard'  I'm desperate to get back to it.
And I've got three more Stylish Girls to go.
Next is Ali who is Smart & Sassy & funny & out there & will end up running a PR Firm. Rarely, do I make predictions about anyone but I'm sure I'm right. Perhaps I'm becoming Psychic, although I don't want to look like one.
Then there's Bridget, who is channelling Urban Fairytale. Perhaps Gretal, or a Slightly Edgy Little Red Riding Hood without the Red & the Hood. She loved reminding me that when she was in Year 7 I told her, when no one wanted to sit next to her in class, that it appeared that she didn't have any friends. I am absolutely sure I never said that, but she never let me forget it anyway, particularly when she didn't have her homework done.
Lastly is  Georgie, The Deluxe Dux. She completely creamed her HSC Exams, scoring a Premier's Award. She's just come back from overseas, so she's wearing Top Shop with Edgy Librarian's Shoes.
Thank God that's over. I hope I haven't left anybody out.

 Three more snaps of me in the classroom this week.
I'm brandishing a lipstick instead of a whiteboard marker.
Thrifted linen & lace & pearl dress that would have looked good at a Suburban Cocktail Party in the early sixties where they served coloured pickle onions & french onion dip made with 'Continental' Soup Mix. I wonder if anyone remembers those soup sachets?
 Perhaps not.
Also wearing a load of jewels from the 'Fruits de Mere' section of my Jewelry Collection. I'm wearing them to cover up the unsightly rust stains on the front of the dress, which I'm told are impossible to remove. I probably wouldn't be able to remove them anyway, even if you could, because I'm a Bad Laundress.

 This outfit is really Midnite Blue but in the photo looks a strange shade of Perhaps Aubergine.
Ooooo...... talking of Strange, have just watched 'Fashion Police's' coverage of The Grammy's.
Finally, someone copied MY wearing of wings. It was Katy Perry, all done up in 'Armani Prive' complete with a pair of wings. Joan said that it was hard to tell whether it was Haute Couture or a Halloween Outfit. (In case you forgot, I wore black wings to my at-home birthday dinner last year. It's almost worth it for you to trawl through last  March's blog entries to see it again)

Here I am yesterday at the Gates of Hell. I had just finished teaching Lady Macbeth's nasty little speech calling on the spirits to, 'Unsex me here' & pour poison down her hubby's ear. The girls were appalled. Not at me. At Lady Macbeth.
Now it's Back to Billy.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Barking Rather Than Tweeting

Emotional Expungement.
Well, I managed to get through Valentine's Day without too much Resentment & Bitterness, two persistent emotions that I'm desperately trying to expunge from my v. limited Emotional Library.
But perhaps you read My Tweet on the topic. Not the bit about Emotional Expungement. But the bit about Valentines Day.
OH, what was I thinking when I signed up to Twitter on sunday nite after a Roast Chicken Dinner &  couple of glasses of Crisp Chablis?
Blame it on Hunter, who, after I fed him & Tyler & AJ at our usual sunday nite dinner, sat  next to me on the couch & walked me through my iPhone 4's Amazing App Store.
I was entranced. He suggested that I download Twitter. After all, it's free. And always The Follower, I agreed.
But after three Lame Tweets, I think I'm done.
 I'm more of a Barker than a Tweeter.
And who the hell can say anything of any substance in just on 140 characters, unless of course, you are Oscar Wilde?
OMG, can you imagine Oscar Tweeting? I'm sure if he lived now, he would be King, or perhaps Queen of the Tweets.
I've been told that Some People tweet on the hour. How can they do it? Are their lives really so interesting & varied that they can update their Salivating Public that often?
Here's what I would say:
'Just walking into class. I wonder if the DVD will work today? Or maybe it's the Projector's turn not to work. Why O why am I always on a Knife's edge?'
One hour later:
'What a nightmare. Shame about the Projector. Lucky that nice young IT guy only took 35 minutes to fix it. Just enough time to screen the court Scene from 'To Kill a Mockingbird'. Hope girls didn't notice me crying when all the black people in the gallery stood up when Atticus walked out of the courtroom after he lost the case'.
Of course that's waaaay more than 140 characters. I'm just not Pithy Enough.

But maybe I'll have One More Tweet tomorrow.

Sadly, it's Time for Bed. I've spent far too long writing this in between watching 'Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire' on a nasty Free to Air TV channel that is cho-'o-block full of ads. I must admit that Harry is one of my Almost Secret Inexplicable Pleasures along with  Michael Buble & Tina Arena & Robbie Williams & a whole host of other Nameless Inexplicables.
Watch out for another post tomorrow, if you can be bothered. I've got much much more to say. I want to tell you about my new obsession for Moist Refrigerated Face Washers that I serve to guests after dinner & also include in my Insulated Lunch Pail so I can freshen up before class. Also, I will have been with Joan on The Red Carpet at the Grammys. So, there's Ooodles & Oodles.
Thank you El Jay & Darla & Rebecca & ReaderRita & Zizzi & Janavi  & J.Sedai for your wonderful comments. I totally loved them. Sadly, El Jay, I have a v. strict rule about No Sewing. But thank you anyway.

Oh, BTW, the photo was of 'PoHo', the florist's shop close to my apartment building yesterday morning. I had to mince past it on my way down the hill to school.

Oh, & here's me yesterday in a 'Weekend Max Mara' shirt with a cute tie at the front & a v. tight skirt that created that Slightly Slutty look that I'm v. fond of. All, of course from 'BednobsEtc'.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Frugal February

 Hello, Dear Reader, & welcome to Frugal February.
Perhaps you didn't realise that  it was Frugal February because I didn't tell you earlier.
I meant to tell you sooner but I was too Hot.
But now that you know, you can Start Straight Away.
I do recommend it.

 Perhaps you are wondering How It Works. Never fear, I will enlighten you......

But before we get into the Nuts & Bolts, I must admit that Strictly Speaking I didn't make it up. No, other bloggers did & then I, as usual, Shamelessly Copied. That, by the way, is one of my Major Dictums in Life - Shamelessly Copy Whatever You Like & Then    Make it Your Own.
I saw it on Lady Jane's Blog. Thank you, El Jay.
I did make my own title up, though.

Anyway, here's how Frugal February works: Don't buy anything.
 Unless you really have to. Or if you absolutely have to buy something, buy it at the cheapest price you can find it for.
For example, look above at Me & Yesterday's Lunch in the Staff Lounge. Everything on the table, except for the cans of 'Diet Coke' which were generously donated by Trixie Drew, was brought from home. Moist Lasagne, salad with mashed avocados & chick peas & cottage cheese.
Note my new Insulated Lunch Pail. I saw one at the Supermarket & resisted the urge to buy it because I felt sure that I could find it cheaper at the Two Dollar Shop up the road.
I was right. Imagine my Squeals of Joy when I discovered it hiding under a pile of Larger Than Life  flesh coloured plastic drink bottles in the shape of a Man's Private Parts. I am absolutely Not Joking. I would never joke about such a thing.
Can you imagine someone walking along the street whilst swilling from such a bottle? Or at the gym?
Or sitting up in My Classroom with one perched on the desk next to their Pencil Case?
 In case you haven't been in a classroom occupied by teenagers for a while, let me inform you that No One enters them nowadays without a drink bottle. It's almost part of the uniform. It's like everyone is terrified that they're going to become Dangerously Dehydrated at any moment. The only time I ever drank water when I was a teenager was when I was swallowing an Aspirin.

Anyway, this is a perfect segue for me to bang on about Our Recent Heatwave.
Whilst Janavi & Rebecca & Darla & Zizzi felt like their toes were about to fall off up in the Northern Hemisphere, I nearly died from Overheating.

 Here I am on saturday morning looking surprisingly cool in the park across the road.
It was all an act. In fact, I was already melting.
The temperature that day reached 41 degrees celsius.
At midnite, the temperature was 33 degrees celsius.
I know this because throughout the nite I kept feverishly checking the weather on my newly-acquired iPhone 4. So much so, that on monday morning I received a text message from Telstra, the phone carrier, to inform me that already I had used up 82% of my Internet Allowance for the month & I'd only had the phone for four days.
I was Shocked & Appalled. Now I can barely look at the phone.
In fact, I have Sent it to Coventry.
I bet it's been a while since you've heard that phrase.

Anyway, so much for Frugal February.

 When things turn a little sour, I always think that it's Wise to Turn to Outfits. They Never Fail to Entertain.
Here I am above, on the first day of school for the year which was only a couple of weeks ago, but it feels like ages ago. I'm standing in the newly-refurbished dance studio which has a sprung dance floor. It was wisely installed by The Nuns almost a century ago, but steadfastly ignored until 'So You Think You Can Dance'  made it necessary to introduce dancing into The Curriculum. Sadly, I won't be teaching it, although I do regularly rhumba through the rows of desks in my classroom.
You can tell by the showy pose that  I'm Desperate to Dance.
In fact, I'm so desperate, that I'm going to go to Zumba Classes as soon as I can find a class in between After School Staff Meetings, twice-weekly therapy sessions, Boot Camp on thursdays after school & Body Balance twice a week at 'Fitness First'.
Note I'm dangling yet another Toy Louis Louis Handbag that I freshly thrifted from 'BednobsEtc' before 'Frugal February' officially started.
I'm not sure about Gladiatorial Sandals. They've been colonised by Backpackers.

 In yesterday's picture, above, I had just shown an extract from Zefferilli's 'Romeo & Juliet' & was feeling rather miffed that I couldn't wear a sumptuously beaded & embroidered Renaissance outfit just  like the ones that everyone in the film, except poor Juliet's Nurse, who was sadly swathed in what looked like white sheets, wore in the film. You can see that I have done a little portrait of her on the whiteboard.

Does anyone remember that Olivia Hussey was only fourteen when  she starred as Juliet in the film? I remember taking  a special interest at the time, because I was almost the same age as Olivia.  I almost convinced myself that I could have played Juliet & may well have been picked for the role except that I had a chin full of pimples. This was the same fanciful part of me that was convinced that I looked v. like Hayley Mills & Twiggy all rolled into one.
I wonder what happened to Olivia? What an unfortunate name. Not her first name. Her last name.  The nuns liked calling us 'Brazen Husseys' when we spoke back to them in class, which was rare.

This dress is getting The Toss.
It makes me look Far Too Lumpy. I've had  it since before my daughter, Maeflower was born & she's just about to turn 23. In fact, I think that it's older than me. Like it's sixty.
It's almost worth double clicking on the image to get a close gander at the mess of white necklaces I'm wearing. I made them myself.
Now that's Frugal February.
Happy Not Spending.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Green Without Envy

 I'm Sweating to Death.
I wonder if that's possible?
Maybe not.
It's 30 degrees & it's past 10 pm.
Perhaps I should suck on some ice.

I'm writing in short sentences because that's all I can do right now.
Look above.
Yes, that's right. It's Not Me.
This morning, I walked out of my apartment building & this person was walking in front of me.
I rejoiced.
I quickly & quietly took out my camera.
And took only one shot.
Luckily, I wasn't suffering from Hand Shake.
Not that I normally do.

 Here's the front of me.
I may not look like I'm sweating, but trust me I am.
Little rivulets of sweat are running down my back.
My toes squish together in plastic golden sandals from 'Target'.

Finally I had my hair cut.
It had been six months between hair cuts.
I just couldn't be bothered going to the hairdresser.
Of course I was informed that I was a mass of Split Ends.

In case you wondered, the masses of pearls & Toy Gold are not choking me.

 Can you detect a Theme Emerging?
Yes, it's the Colour Green.
I'm Green Without Envy.
Again, I'm not choking on the masses of this time Plastic Green Necklaces.

 Here are my Squishy toes.
I had them painted green.
I always insist they give me three coats.
That way the polish lasts longer.
That's my Little Tip.

Here's me straight after I went for the Six Monthly Haircut.
The hairdresser got out the GHD Straightener.
I think that's what it's called.

I must must stop before I Spontaneously Combust.