Monday, February 25, 2013

Miles of Red Carpet But No Oscar

Good evening Viewers, I'm coming to you live tonight from The Red Carpet.
For what seems to be about the last fifteen hours I've been with The E News team watching actresses wrench themselves out of their limos, hike their strapless dresses back up to where they should be so there's no unscheduled nipple or sideboob exposure, & stagger up to the red carpet all the while being yanked by passerbys stepping on their trains.

Thank God I don't have that kind of trouble in the classroom.
Imagine my stress levels? Through the roof.
No Armani Prive.
No having to make sure I pronounced "Haute" as in "Haute Couture" properly when the interviewer asked who I was wearing.
No people stomping on my train.
No wearing two million dollars worth of Fred Leighton jewels. (But then not having to return them in the morning unless of course you are Poor Old Lindsay Lohan who would sadly lose them at the after party)
No threat of Wardrobe Malfunction seen by six billion viewers.

I couldn't believe what Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence wore. It was this strapless Dior gown that was v. fitting in the bodice, but then it hugely billowed out at the bottom. In fact, the dress was so voluminous at the bottom, it looked like all the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz could happily hide in there.
But my personal favourite was Sally Field who was still recognisably the Gidget that I soo loved & was desperate to be like when I was fourteen. I was thrilled to read in Wikipedia that she is 66 & has got osteoporosis. Not that I want her to have it, but that she talks about it.
On the almost eve of my 60th bday, am frantically trying to come up with a list that doesn't just have Helen Mirren & Meryl Streep in it of Fab Old Dames that will make me feel better about getting a Seniors Card.
Must now urgently hop into bed. Too late to watch The Actual Oscars.
Oh, I almost forgot, here's me in the classroom not wearing a Train or Fred Leighton Jewels or Armani Prive. As you can see, I'm still wearing black dresses. This one got worn three times last week which sounds gross. I'll let u imagine me daintily scrubbing it every nite before hanging it over the bathtub to dry.
In case you are wondering what I'm doing in the photos, I'm madly shaking my arms so they'll look more athletic.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Perhaps Too Many 'Nots'.

I'm so exhausted from Wearing Black All Week.
But not exhausted enough not to curate another blog entry at Doll Hotel. (Oh dear, I can't work out if I've put in One Too Many 'nots' in this last sentence. I do hope it's not a sign of Early-ish Onset Alzheimers).
Note I used the word 'curate' which could to some ears sound Slightly Pretentious, but I hope not to your Ears.
The theme of the blog entry is one of my favourite sayings-  (along with Keep Calm & Carry On which has been so overused that I sadly cannot ever use it again, but I can still quietly Think It)  Alert But Not Alarmed.

In case you were ever wondering what I was like In Real Life whatever that is, this saying totally sums me up in a nutshell.
I do hope you can take a look.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Lenten Wardrobe

Hello & Welcome to a New Della who is coming to you fresh from The Blogger App for iPad. I have just this past moment installed it.
And what a wonderfully uncharacteristic moment of Power & Control I experienced when the tip of my quivering finger ever so gently pressed on "Install App", & it did it, as if by magic. But then again, I have a v. Low threshold of Magic Recognition as even operating a can opener has a kind of Magical Quality to me.
Anyway, I'm not sure how this entry is going to look on the blog. So, I'm anxious to hurry & finish it so I can go & look.
So, here's what I want to say:

It's only Day 2 of the Lenten Wardrobe Challenge & already I'm slightly tired of it.
You may recall that Us Challengers had to nominate 10 items of clothing that they/we are only to wear for the entire duration of Lent which sadly goes on for weeks & weeks. At the end of each week, you lose an item so by the end, you're down to 5 things.
Sounds pukey, doesn't it?
Why O why did I let myself be talked into it by my friend Trixie? What were we thinking?

For my 10 items , I have decided to go with a traditional Lenten Sackcloth & Ashes Theme.
I have selected 7 black dresses & 3 jackets, but I most probably won't get a chance to wear the jackets because it won't be cold enough.
This afternoon The Headmistress asked me if I was finding wearing only black depressing.
I nodded even though it was only the second day.
At least I can wear as much jewellery as I like without looking like I'm about to read someone's tea leaves.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Lenten Wardrobe Challenge

 Hello Everyone & Welcome to Lent.
For those of you unfamiliar with it, Lent is a 40 day period of fasting leading up to Easter.
It starts tomorrow.
I'm not usually a fan of fasting unless I am trying to Lose Weight which is incidentally what I have decided to do immediately after carefully scrutinizing my midriff in today's Wardrobe Photo of me in a thrifted Hugo Boss wrap dress.
I must have a strong word with Ireland, my official Classroom Photographer tomorrow morning & encourage her to take more flattering photos of me if humanly possible.

Anyway, my desperate & sudden urge to lose weight is Absolutely Not what I want to talk about.
Instead, I want to talk about a Lenten Wardrobe Challenge that hopefully many of my fellow female colleagues will consent to be part of after they receive the email I just sent them.
Perhaps you could join us by starting your own Lenten Wardrobe Challenge at your own Workplace.
It would be such fun.
I'll now cut & past the contents of the email just so you'll know more about Lent (& let me tell you, there's lots to know) & about the Rules of the Challenge.

Hello Every Woman in the Humanities Staffroom & Affiliates,

As you all know, Lent starts tomorrow.
It is supposed to be a time of self-denial, self-renunciation, self-control, almsgiving & penance.

Many people struggle with the above.
It's so Medieval.
And it's not that much fun either.
So, we folk in the North Eastern End of the Staffroom have devised a Lenten Wardrobe Challenge
which has been specifically designed to give Traditional Fasting a fresh, fun & modern twist as well
as raise money for Charity.
It's a Win/Win for Everyone!

The rules are v. simple:

1. The challenge starts next Monday.
2. To enter, pick 10 essential items from your wardrobe & identify them to us - e.g. Frock, Blazer, Blouse, Slacks, Top, Leggings etc.
Let's call this Your Capsule Wardrobe.
4. You can only wear these items for the duration of the Challenge which finishes at the end of Lent. Check your diaries for the Exact Date.
3. Pay a (I think) $10 entry fee.
4. At the end of the first week, The Official Third Umpire,Trixie Drew, will draw the name of a wardrobe item out of a hat for each person participating in the Challenge. You must then immediately remove that item from your Capsule Wardrobe for the duration of the Challenge.
5. By the last week of Lent, which is mercifully only three days or so, you will be reduced to only 5 items.
6. If you wish to keep an item that is drawn out of the hat, you will be required to pay an additional $5 for each item you retain.
7. If you wish to replace an item with an entirely new item, you will be required to pay an additional $10.
8. All proceeds will go to a yet undecided charity.
9. Shoes & Jewellry are not included. If included, it would be Too Cruel & Virtually Impossible to Achieve (for at least one person)
I do hope that you will consider joining our Challenge.
Best Regards,
The Northern End of the Staffroom.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

My Life as an Outfit

 Greetings & Welcome to My Life as an Outfit Fresh Off the Whiteboard.
I'm not sure about this last statement.
I can't decide whether it's incredibly pithy & fresh & energetic or if it's just wordy & lame & absolutely nonsensical.
But, you know what?  I'm not going to change it because I haven't got time.
It's now 8.44 pm & I'm determined to get to bed ASAP.
Why the hurry, you may well ask?
Well, it's because I'm desperate to get to sleep before 11pm.
Lately, I haven't been sleeping so well. And it's not for want of trying, let me assure you.
 I've been making myself hop into bed no later than 10.30, my Official Eye-Shutting Time which simply means No lights, no reading, or no jumping out of bed  to open the fridge to eat an After Dinner Mint followed by a visit to the bathroom to retrieve a Dental Flosser.
Absolutely Not.
I  make myself lie there with  eyes firmly shut. I allow myself a few minutes to plan The Next Morning's Outfit & then I'm supposed to gently drift off to sleep.
 But lately that hasn't happened. Either I get all lathered up trying to remember what tops I have that might go with that freshly thrifted subtly sequinned skirt that I've been aching to wear or I might suddenly become Overheated.
 Or I might think of something hateful like how I havent' paid my o'erdue credit card bill.
Or worrying that I might have offended a student by accidentally calling her 'Twinky'.
Anyway, none of that nonsense is going to happen tonite.

BTW, look above at the Real Not Toy Marc by Marc Jacobs Handbag that I thrifted at 'BednobsEtc' for a v. small sum & am rather smugly holding up on the first day of classes last week.
Sadly, the little metal testimonial that says that it's a Marc by MarcEtc had come off but was safely tucked inside the bag. I took it to the local exotic shoe repairer, Cobbler Cabbalero who put it back in its right place by using generic little Studs which I'm sure are nothing like the Real Marc Studs.

It seems that everything I own is kind of like that - Slightly Chipped, Bruised, Stained or Moth eaten.
But luckily,  I'm not.

 The following day I decided to introduce some colour into the Classroom with a rather Stickily Synthetic  dress that looks like a Bad Copy of a Jackson Pollock Drip Painting.
 But not necessarily in a Nasty Way.
I couldn't resist wearing a pair of half-mast legging which only partially cover my Self-Inflicted Spray Tan.
Have you noticed that leggings have been totally taken over by Middleagedwomen?

In the photo above, I look like I'm just about to gaze into a crystal ball or read a student's tarot or perhaps their tea leaves.
 But in fact I'm holding out my hands because Ireland, my Official Photographer has lately been getting me to show off my rings. She's always got my best interests at heart.

 Here I am again showing off my rings the next day in a dress that I've had for years. Each time I wear it I swear it's going to be the last time, but I can't seem to part with it even though there's nothing Slightly Slutty about it & I'm always going for that look although most of the time you wouldn't know it.

It's 9.33 & I'm Almost Done.
In my final photo of the nite, It's back to black again. In fact, I would almost but not quite, love to wear this dress everyday even though it's got an unsightly white stain on the chest which I suppose I'll have to have dry cleaned out because it's silk & I ruin just about everything I wash myself.
Note my French Manicure Pedicure which is my new favourite Toe Look.It goes well with the Self-Inflicted Spray Tan.
Off to bed to plan tomorrow's outfit.