Good evening Viewers, I'm coming to you live tonight from The Red Carpet.
For what seems to be about the last fifteen hours I've been with The E News team watching actresses wrench themselves out of their limos, hike their strapless dresses back up to where they should be so there's no unscheduled nipple or sideboob exposure, & stagger up to the red carpet all the while being yanked by passerbys stepping on their trains.
Thank God I don't have that kind of trouble in the classroom.
Imagine my stress levels? Through the roof.
No Armani Prive.
No having to make sure I pronounced "Haute" as in "Haute Couture" properly when the interviewer asked who I was wearing.
No people stomping on my train.
No wearing two million dollars worth of Fred Leighton jewels. (But then not having to return them in the morning unless of course you are Poor Old Lindsay Lohan who would sadly lose them at the after party)
No threat of Wardrobe Malfunction seen by six billion viewers.
I couldn't believe what Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence wore. It was this strapless Dior gown that was v. fitting in the bodice, but then it hugely billowed out at the bottom. In fact, the dress was so voluminous at the bottom, it looked like all the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz could happily hide in there.
But my personal favourite was Sally Field who was still recognisably the Gidget that I soo loved & was desperate to be like when I was fourteen. I was thrilled to read in Wikipedia that she is 66 & has got osteoporosis. Not that I want her to have it, but that she talks about it.
On the almost eve of my 60th bday, am frantically trying to come up with a list that doesn't just have Helen Mirren & Meryl Streep in it of Fab Old Dames that will make me feel better about getting a Seniors Card.
Must now urgently hop into bed. Too late to watch The Actual Oscars.
Oh, I almost forgot, here's me in the classroom not wearing a Train or Fred Leighton Jewels or Armani Prive. As you can see, I'm still wearing black dresses. This one got worn three times last week which sounds gross. I'll let u imagine me daintily scrubbing it every nite before hanging it over the bathtub to dry.
In case you are wondering what I'm doing in the photos, I'm madly shaking my arms so they'll look more athletic.