Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Time Loop

I've always been A Stickler for Correctness. It's The Martinet side of my personality.

Anyway, I need to correct a Technical Term from yesterday's entry where I walked you through a 'Star Trek' episode I've never seen. At the time of writing, I said that the inhabitants of the Starship 'Enterprise' were stuck in a Time Warp.
I was wrong. Of course, The Time Warp belongs to 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'.
The correct term is, 'Time Loop'.
Thank you, dear friend & colleague, Trixie Drew who made the distinction this morning after I arrived at my desk in the staffroom. During our conversation, Trixie also revealed that there was also a Seminal 'Dr Who' episode, starring Tom Baker with the same plot. Clearly, The Time Loop is popular in Sci-Fi Shows.
I hope that this doesn't mean that my life is becoming a Si-Fi TV Series.
Perhaps it's always been one & I hadn't noticed.
I must start thinking of a Suitable Title.
' My Favourite Martinet'?

Not twenty minutes ago, I came breathlessly back from 'Boot Camp'. My brain, revived from gruelling sets of boxing & running up a hill that felt like I was running up The Great Wall of China which I believe is v.v. steep as well as one-handed push-ups (admittedly on my knees) , went immediately into overdrive. In a twinkling, I opened my web browser & discovered the exact name of the Star Trek Episode: Episode 18, 'Cause & Effect'.  And to my great delite I discovered that Kelsey Grammar-School guest starred in the episode. You can see him in the picture above looking like he's about to offer Captain Picard a plate of scones. I'm standing behind looking like The Perfect Martinet.
Talk about a Time Loop

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Every Day I Slay The Jabberwocky

Hello, Dear Reader & Welcome to Autumnal Autumn. Or perhaps you may prefer to call it 'Fall'.
Of course it certainly doesn't feel like it. More like Sticky Summer.

I hate to admit that I'm feeling Slightly Guilty for not blogging much lately. And, I failed to meet the Deadline to submit my regular column in 'Flowers & Sunshine', The School Newspaper.
Of course I've got a Raft of Excuses which I'm just aching to wheel out  but I won't because I'm determined to stick to my Favourite Dictum , 'Never Explain, Never Defend'. Actually, it's my Second Favourite dictum after , 'A Girl Should Always be two things- Classy & Fabulous'.

Lately I've been feeling like everyday I have to get up & Slay the Jabberwocky.
And everyday I'm in 'Groundhog Day' or maybe an episode of 'Star Trek' where, even though I slayed the Jabberwocky yesterday, I've got to do it again today. And the next day. And the day after that.
You may be intrigued by my reference to 'Star Trek'. It may have even crossed your mind that I could be a 'Trekkie'. Sadly, I'm not. In fact, I don't think I've ever watched an entire episode or even a half a one in my life. But I did recently hear of an episode that I would love to watch if I had the chance.

The Starship 'Enterprise' or whatever, was inexplicably  caught in some kind of  Time Trap or perhaps Warp. I don't know the Technical Term.  They'd reach a certain distance & then they'd be blown up by a Death Star or Darth Vader or  Whatever .
 Then they'd be chugging along again through Space, minding their own business, & then they'd be blown up all over again . 
And then they'd be tootling along again & guess what happens? Yes, that's right. They get blown up.
Finally, they realise that they're Stuck.
 So, before they get blown up the next time, they watch what's happening closely & then change whatever they were doing which enables them to change course & avoid being blown up.

Be grateful that I don't wheel out 'The Art of War'.

I was never really attracted to 'Star Trek' because I didn't admire The Outfits. They looked like Fire Traps. And I thought they made William Shatner look like a Nancy Boy. And Poor Leonard Nimoy & Those Vile Ears. Although I did think that they went well with the name 'Nimoy'.

Talking of Ears, Note mine in the photo above. My poor lobes were visibly aching under the strain of the gigantic Red Chandelier earrings that I insisted on wearing one day last week. Note too, that I'm wearing two different red dresses on two consecutive days. And neither of them look like an outfit from 'Star Trek'.

The Magic Coach.
 Here I am today in my 'Camelot' Outfit holding up a Birthday Present from MBFF Marge from California.
It's a Real, not Toy 'Coach' Bag bought on sale at Macy's in 'The Oaks' Mall, Thousand Oaks. I was totally thrilled that she got it on sale because I love a sale more than anything & it felt like we both got a gift on my birthday - Marge saved some money & I got a Bag of My Dreams. I'm determined to wear Autumnal Shades for at least the next week just so I can use the bag.
A Nasty Nun Tale.
It was my birthday yesterday. I've always loathed my birthday. Each year I'm reminded of a v. unpleasant incident which occurred on my Fifth Birthday. I was in kindergarten. I was taught by a Repellent & Insensitive Sister of Mercy named Sister Rosalia.
Anyway, I cried. God knows why. Possibly Existential Ennui. Sister Rosalia told me that if you cry on your birthday, you cry all the year round. I toyed with the idea of believing her.
This is the same nun who advised everyone in kindergarten whose home was fitted with a gas stove, to go home that afternoon & turn on one of the  elements on the stove & briefly put their finger in the flame. That would give them some idea of what hell was like. Only that Hell would be putting your whole body under the gas flame forever.
Luckily we had an electric stove.

But then today I found these shoes at my favourite thrift shop, 'BednobsEtc'. They were a steal at twelve bucks. Even though they're probably a size too small, I couldn't resist them. Luckily, I have a Relaxed Attitude towards shoe sizes.
Why couldn't I resist them, you may ask?
1. The Brand Name: 'Gossip Girl The TV Series'. At last I'll be like a Senior Blake Lively.
2. I love that style. It's soo 'It Girl'. Or perhaps, It Girl two seasons ago in 'Gossip Girl'. But that's the price you pay for only buying at thrift stores. You're nearly always sooo last season. Or the season before that etc.
3. I love a challenge. How the hell am I going to teeter down the hill in them, I wonder?

Here's me in yet another dress that The Ex-School Nurse gave me. In fact, she gave it to me some time ago but I've hardly worn it. You can see that I've Chaneled -It -Up by wearing a linen camellia given to me by Tyler for Xmas. Also, I'm still persisting with Sockettes. Sadly, they didn't protect me from Those Wicked Red Shoes. By the end of the day I thought I would have to have my heel amputated because they gave me a v. nasty blister on my right heel.
Incidentally, did you know that God Never Gives You Any More Shoes Than You Can Handle?

Remember my Sunday Nite 'Mad Men' dinners?  I'm still having them nearly every sunday even though we haven't got any more 'MM' to watch because  Season 5  wasn't or isn't being made for some hateful humbuggery reason.
Anyway, last sunday was my 'No Mad Men Sunday Nite Birthday Dinner'.  The usual attendees attended. We watched 'Fashion Police' instead.
Going to Get Great Guns.
Here I am with AJ who presented me with an entire set of Dumbells as a  birthday gift. I was Dumbstruck. AJ knows of my devotion to 'Boot Camp', in fact she attended a number of boot camp sessions in their early days. And, she knows of my fervent desire to Get Guns, which I believe is the Technical Term for Muscly Arms like Cameron Diaz. Have you seen her arms lately? They're like Madonna's  only without the veins.

Tyler & Hunter  presented me with beautiful white roses. I was thrilled.
And Darleen & Carleen gave me a stainless steel kitchen bin that Carleen found in her apartment building's garbage room, a stainless steel lemon squeezer that she obviously bought new & a black  sweatband just like the one that Olivia Newton-John wore in 1980 in her 'Physical' video clip.
This was the Perfect Combination of gift for me because not only do I love a bargain, but I also love discarded useful items that are found in the street or in the recycling bin. And I desperately need kitchen utensils because I don't have hardly any & this annoys Maeflower, my daughter when she comes to cook in my kitchen.
I must hop into bed.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Magical Diane Freis Dress

Hello, dear Reader.
Obviously I went to work today. I had to go because I was Busting to wear the fab 'Diane Freis' dress that The Ex-School Nurse, pictured above, presented me with last saturday over lattes at 'Dov'.
I couldn't believe the powerful therapeutic power that this dressed held, or is it, 'holds'?
 As soon as I put it on, all my hideous cold symptoms magically vanished. All except the croak which I didn't mind having because I think it makes me sound like A Temptress.
A Brief Segue
I must say that my grammar is getting worse. And I seem to be losing confidence, particularly around The Apostrophe.
And and, my spelling is shot to pieces. Girls are constantly correcting my spelling on the whiteboard. Of course, I'm v. gracious about it at the time, but inside I'm quaking.  It will only be a matter of time before Parental Complaints start rolling in.
Of course, I totally blame all this on my Grammar Nazi Colleagues. They're always at the ready, invisible red pens quivering in anticipation, to jump on any infraction, no matter how tiny.

Back to the Diane Freis Dress. Although I would much rather call it 'Diane Fries'.
When I arrived at school this morning, I immediately walked into The Staff Lounge. I was  greeted by Imelda, a middleagedgeographyteacher who promptly identified the brand of the dress. It rolled off her tongue just as easily as if she were  identifying an Igneous Rock. I was shocked. Were Diane Freis' dresses (hope I used The Apostrophe correctly then) that common, I wondered?
Yes they were, as it turned out. Some years ago Imelda's Mum volunteered at a local charity shoppe in The Southern Highlands, a slightly toffee-nosed in a good way semi-rural area a small distance from Sydney. Apparently, the shoppe was always full of them even though they cost hundreds of dollars & you could tie them in a knot & throw them in the washing machine & they'd bounce back to their original shape. You'd have to say that that was Magic, wouldn't you?

Anyway, I totally enjoyed wearing Diane Freis today. And I totally enjoyed pairing it with my thrifted  Court Jester strappy heels & my Fluro Swan pendant from the 'Dinosaur Designs' warehouse sale.
In fact, I enjoyed wearing it so much, that I'd like to wear it again tomorrow.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Cold that Ate Paris

WARNING WARNING: Description of Hideous Symptoms below. Absolutely Not For the Faint-Hearted.
 Hello, Dear Friend & Welcome to My Sick Bed.
Yes, I have a Bad Cold which includes a Range of Predictable & Highly Annoying Symptoms - A runny nose, nasty phlegm in different sickening hues, ears that feel something dreadful has happened to them &amp, ; the inevitable slow creeping of the cold into The Lungs. There is also a constant feeling of having my v. narrow nose pinched as well as a dull headache at the back of my head, a condition that always makes me feel like I might be growing a Brain Tumour.
Oh, & I've been reduced to a croak which is the nicest of all my symptoms. I enjoy the novelty of a croaky voice & can almost convince myself that I sound like Lauren Bacall or Kathleen Turner.

I've had  The Cold now for nearly a week & there's no sign of an abatement, even though I've talked to it nicely, told it that it's made its point & kindly asked it to leave.
But it won't.
Today was my first Official Day in Bed. All the other days I've been ignoring it because I read somewhere that Bed Rest isn't really necessary. I know that sounds almost Blasphemous. But apparently, a Cold decides how long its going to stay regardless of how long you linger in bed.
I do feel a bit like a Martyr, but Certainly Not a Victim, heaven forbid.

It's now 7.45 pm. I've just shovelled in two steaming bowls of chicken soup featuring corn that I elegantly sheared off a cob & an avocado that I sliced & placed on the top.
Avocado is my favourite food. I eat it with everything. I particularly enjoy sliced avocado on top of soup because it cools it down slightly. Oh, FYI, I made the soup from scratch. I got out of bed & struggled down to 'Harris Farm Potts Point' Market & bought everything:
1. free range chicken thigh fillets. Tender, Juicy, succulent.
2. Continental Brand Powdered Chicken Stock, my all-time favourite Ingredient.  I totally recommend it. My daughter Maeflower recently informed me that research has found that MSG is not as bad as all that & in fact, may  be good for you. What a relief. Not that I particularly care too much about things that I really love being bad for you. Like coffee.
I must stop this Food Rambling. I'm sure it's the effects of The Aspirin, my favourite drug.

Look look look  at me, above taken last sunday in Glebe Park in Canberra when I was visiting Maeflower.
That was Before the Cold. Note my Joie de Vivre. Note also my constant use of incorrectly spelled French words & phrases. Perhaps if I keep saying them, I might get to Paris one day.
Now that's the Aspirin Talking.
Maeflower created a Bone of Contention by informing me that Middleagedwomen needed to be v. careful wearing a Jean Jacket because certain JJ's do tend towards Boxiness which can create a kind of a top half of a fridge look, if that makes sense. . But she assured me that this particular thrifted 'Gap' JJ didn't commit that sin. What a relief for us all!
Note I'm carrying a shopping bag that I bought for $2  at 'Typo', a mall store that sells lots of things featuring letters. The bag a rip off from the sadly overused, but still charming, 'Keep Calm & Carry On' poster that last year spread like a Nasty Cold Virus throughout the world.
In case you can't make out the text, it says, 'Keep calm & Carry On Shopping', a sentiment that I totally agree with. Note also, I'm wearing a little diamante encrusted 'Le Tour Eiffel' pendant. There's definitely a theme happening.

Here's my torso taken just when The Cold made its first appearance.
I'm wearing a homemade necklace that I made last year. I must must must make more necklaces. If only that had been one of my New Year Resolutions, I might have actually made some this year.
Still, it's only early March.
I can't really be bothered walking you through the necklace. I'm sure you can see the 'Double C' emblem on it, so you'll know who I'm channelling.

Here's the Rest of Me in a pose  reminiscent of a Trussed Chicken. I'm not sure if that's the right term.
Note the Joan Crawford High Notes with the Shoulder Pads & note my ever-so-slightly tanned legs, courtesy of 'Dove' Summer Glow.

Can you see that I'm starting to look a Little Wan by Thursday's Wardrobe photo?
What a total shame that you can't really see the two necklaces that I put together. I spent the day in a lather of self-congratulation at how clever I was. Sadly, you can't really see them. It just looks like a Mass of Black.

By Friday, I'm definitely looking Sick. In fact, I'm pointing my toe in an effort to attract attention to the bottom part of me rather than the cold-infested top part of me.
But I do like this outfit, even though it's a Bit Caze (short for casual) for the classroom. And also a little bit short for a Middleagedteacher. Fortunately, no one appeared to notice, including the School Principal who I had a long conversation with at Morning Tea, or more accurately, 'Recess'. I found myself urging her to stop wasting her time taking long strenuous walks & instead take up running & weights. She looked at me in horror.

Can't believe how much black I've been wearing. It must be The Cold.
Here's me in my Favourite Under-rated Colour, Brown. I do recommend wearing brown, particularly if you are blonde.

It's now 8.20 pm. A New 'Miss Marple' is about to start. I'm bristling with excitement even though I know it won't be that good.
But before I go, I will leave you, Dear Reader with a quote from Helen Gurley Brown. I found her book, 'I'm Wild Again' in the One Dollar Bin at 'Bednobs Etc'.
I wonder if she is still with us? The photo on the front cover makes her look like she's dead & doesn't know it. Perhaps that's Unnecessarily Cruel.
Anyway, here's what Helen says under the heading of 'Awful Women':
'What comes up & grabs me sometimes and chokes the breath away like a mongoose with its jaws around a cobra, is the realisation of how totally terrible women are.'
No wonder it was a dollar.
Sadly, haven't got time to mention The Oscar Red Carpet. Perhaps the only outfit I would wear was what Cate Blanchett wore - do Google it if you don't know what I am talking about. I promise you it will be Almost Worth It.
One last Slightly Exciting Thing- The Ex-School Nurse has given me a real 'Diane Fries' (surely its not really spelt like that. It sounds like it should be on the menu at McDonald's.) Dress. Remember them from the eighties? I'm wearing it tomorrow. That is, if I can get out of bed.
Can't wait.