If Middleagedteacher Was Featured in 'Fashion Police'

It is more than Perilously Close to my Official Bedtime. In fact I'm teetering over the side of it.

So, I'll make this quick. I will type Like the Wind. I will throw spelling, punctuation, syntax & grammar to the wind. ......../?!`

My New Default Dinner

It's always good to have a Default Dinner up your sleeve, I find. It stops you from having to think v. hard about what to eat when you can't think of anything.

Some nites I just know that its Skinless Salmon Nite. Or Lamb Forequarter Chop Nite . Or Vegetable Frittata Nite.

But when I'm unable to tell what kind of a nite it is, I just make my Default Dinner. It saves loads of time & agonising indecision at the supermarket which almost always leads to Dinner Ennui.

Let me walk you through the contents of my Latest Default Dinner. I'm sure you'll find your mouth watering v. soon.

1. par-boiled & then roasted-to-a-crisp chopped potatoes. Rock salt & olive oil. Perhaps some sprigs of Rosemary for Remembrance.

2. fried low-fat Haloumi Cheese strips. Haloumi tastes slightly like rubber but in a good way.

3. Tinned Cannelini beans. Or chick peas. Or butter beans. As long as they look slightly white. Kidney beans remind me of Real Kidneys.

4. Half an avocado mashed with some low-fat yoghurt, lemon & two stalks of spring onions, finely chopped.

5. Sliced Cos Lettuce.

6. Other salad vegetables.

7. Chopped red paw paw. I know now it has another fancier name, but I can't remember what it is. Anyway, its kind of dark orange with smallish black seeds in the middle. I am one of the Silent Minority who really like putting fruit in Savoury Dishes. Many people eschew it.

8. A Mountain of Salt because I'm daring my Arteries to Harden.

It is now after 10.30 pm & I've just wasted all this time banging on about dinner & not mentioning a word about Me n' Joan Rivers n' Fashion Police.

It's not my fault. It's the Stupid Blog's Fault. It casts an Enchantment over me & I become its Willing Puppet. I must, must be stronger. I will be stronger.

So, I'm obsessed with 'Fashion Police'. Every week Joan Rivers & her panel of 'experts' walks us through the previous Week on the Red Carpet. Sometimes, they say really nice things, like how 'Be-uuu-ti-ful' Courtney Love looked & how come she, 'got it soo right for a change', but mostly they say nasty things like Beyonce's legs look like they've morphed into Sausage Skins in those tight Plastic Leather pants. Or Anne Hathaway looks like one of Santa's Helpers at a Department Store who lines up all the kids to sit on Santa's knee. Even though she's wearing a Chanel Babydoll dress with a big bow. Or that Charlize Theron looked like Big Bird in that yellow feathery gown.

Why is it that when I say it, it doesn't sound funny? But let me assure you, when Joan says it, its funny. Perhaps that's the difference between Joan & Me.

Anyway, on last nite's show, Joan said that Poor Anna Wintour looked like a Librarian that was telling everyone to be quiet in that Lanvin dress with the cardie over it. You can see me in it above. I was wearing it as well in a Parallel Universe. I thought I looked pretty damned good in it too.

The Slightly Neglected Art of the Lunch Box

Eating.

Like most of you, I'm fond of eating.

And just to prove it, here is a picture of me eating my Mid-Morning Snack this week.

Let me briefly walk you through it.

Inspired by a group of Year 10 girls who I have dubbed, 'The Green Tea Luncheon Club', I am now officially bringing my own food to school each day. Every week, when I am on what we call in the Teaching Trade, 'Yard Duty', I watch with great interest what emerges from these girls lunch boxes:

1. Green teabags of course. They each pay 50 cents for hot water from the Tuck Shop.

2. Hard boiled eggs, of which only The Whites are carefully chopped up & eaten.

3. Avocados, mashed on the spot.

3. Tomatoes chopped on the spot.

4. Cardboard Ryvita Biscuits.

5. Small cans of tuna.

Honestly, it's a Banquet every day at recess for these girls.

And so it is for me, too.

The most exciting part about my new regime was buying the Lunch Boxes. I bought them at 'Hot Dollar', my almost, but not quite favourite two dollar shop. They're Japanese & they stack on top of each other & they're microwaveable. I've always wanted them. In fact there are many things from Japan that I've always wanted:

1. An ornate Wedding Kimono

2. An entire wardrobe designed by Rei Kawawhatever of 'Commes des Garcons'

3. A Sushi Chef on call

4. A spacious apartment in Tokyo.

Anyway, back to the photo. In case you were wondering, I'm eating chopped carrot served with hommus. Most days, I try to include Another Vegetable as well, as I'm fearful of ingesting too much Keratin & turning yellow. Apparently, you don't have to eat many carrots at all before the yellow begins to set in.

Jewelry Alert.

Note I'm wearing Two Fun Things:

1. Mah Jong tiles as a bracelet. At least I think they're called 'Tiles'. I have never played Mah Jong & will probably Never play it because I am Bad At Games. The only card game I know & remember is appropriately called 'Grab'. And I used to play Pontoon as a young adolescent only because I fancied the boy who played it with me. Story of my life. But that's a whole other story.

2. Large Red Lipped Brooch. What an absolute corker! I bought it the other day, NOT from 'Diva', where I usually buy all my jewels, but at a new shop called 'Lovisa' in Westfield.

Have you noticed that there are lots of cheap jewel shops everywhere now? I'm sure its not just a Sydney Thing.

And they say that Minimalism is about to make a comeback. I pray that it isn't so. I couldn't take it. What would I do? Walk around looking like a Nun in Civvies?

And what would all these cheap jewelry shops do? And what would happen to to all the cheap jewels? Landfill perhaps?

My hands are sweating already, & it hasn't even happened yet.

A Fantastic Christmas Gift Idea If You Like Napoleon.

Trixie Drew, my friend & colleague, has a great Eye. So, when she spied this wonderful Black Wax Candle of Napoleon with a Giant Wick in his hat in a nifty gift store in Bowral, she couldn't resist it.

It's made by the wonderful French Candlemakers, 'Cire Trudon'. I've mentioned them before. They've been making scented candles since Louis the Whatever in such tantalisingly named flavours such as 'The Floors at Versailles' & 'Carmelite Monastery Walls', my two particular favourits. I swear I'm not making that up. And this isn't a paid advertisement. As if anyone would pay for my endorsement.

In case you were wondering, I have artfully placed a small figurine of 'Grommit' of 'Wallace & Grommit' fame in 'Ol Nap's arms. I couldn't resist it.

Don't you think he looks Decidedly Paternal?

Emergency Remedial Thrifting.

Here I am this afternoon in 'BednobsEtc' doing some Emergency Remedial Thrifting straight after I got off the bus from our Annual Speech Day & Prizegiving. Sadly, I had to wear my academic gown for most of the day which makes me & everyone else look like A Human Bat. To compensate, I just had to buy something, but definitely NOT the handmade Eighties Moth Eaten & Slightly Rusty Appliqued Purple Ensemble with Matching Belt I'm holding.

Instead, I sensibly bought a black ruffled shirt that I will be taking to California with me when I leave on December 6. In fact, over the past few weeks, I have been slowly amassing a whole new Entirely Black/ Navy Winter Wardrobe especially for my two week Trip Back to Winter.

I can't wait. There's nothing quite like a Southern Californian Winter.

Upstairs Downstairs

Helen Mirren's Doppelganger.

You may or may not be wondering what I'm still doing at the Rozelle Market.

It's rather cumbersome to explain & I'm sure you're not that interested.

I know that I'm certainly not that interested in telling you.

I'm far more interested in getting back to watching one of my favourite films of all time, 'Gosford Park' which I've paused for the moment.

I hope you've seen it. If you haven't, you shouldn't be reading this blog.

That's perhaps a trifle harsh. I take it back. But seriously, if you haven't seen it, or haven't seen it in yonks, do yourself a favour & watch it.

Why?

1. It's directed by Robert Altman which means that everybody talks over each other. Kind of what people do In Real Life, whatever that is.

2. Poor Robert is dead which is a damn shame because I would have liked him to do a sequel - 'Gosford Park 2: The Revenge of Downstairs'.

3. It has my Ideal Cast - Maggie Smith, Helen Mirren, Eileen Atkins, Stephen Fry, Alan Bates, Richard E (or is it 'F'?) Grant & Dumbledore to name just my particular favourites. The only sour note is that Judy Dench is not in it.

4. I totally remind myself of Maggie, Judy & particularly Helen.

5. It's set in my Absolute Dream Time & location - a large country house full of nasty plummy voiced guests & poor downtrodden servants in 1930s England. No prizes for guessing what group I would most identify with.

Sudoku Dressing.

Here I am with The Ex-School Nurse.

I've really gone Out on a Limb with the Pattern Mixing which is one of my Favourite Pastimes besides having my eyebrows waxed. I'm absolutely convinced that it keeps my brain active, rather like doing a crossword puzzle or perhaps, Sudoku.

Of course, my great fear is that I look like a Tarot Card Reader or a Circus Performer. Not that there's anything wrong with looking like either.

The Ex-SN is wearing an absolutely scrumptuous 'Dinosaur Designs' necklace which is sadly partly obscured by that ungainly lampshade which I hope nobody bought. Drat.

One of the main reasons why I do so like to go to the market is to take photos of Other Outfits.

I loved the look of this Latter Day Mary Poppins Shopper. Her outfit reminds me of two trends that I've noticed lately : 1. The Preponderance of Polka Dots. 2. The long dress.

Although I think this lady looks great, I personally wouldn't wear a long dress. But perhaps if it was a Designer Label that I managed to purchase v. reasonably at 'Bednobs Etc' I might be persuaded. But it would have to be an 'A' list Designer.

I desperately wanted to buy this Man with His Insides Showing on the Outside as I could identify with it. I often feel like my insides are showing.

And I'm getting mightily sick of typing in bold when I didn't ask for it.

But I didn't buy it. Xmas is coming & I want to buy some nice gifts for my daughter Maeflower, who totally deserves a little pampering. And I'm not just saying that to suck up to her. Plus I'm going to California in two weeks tomorrow. And the Australian Dollar has parity with the US Dollar. And I need Dental Work done unless I'm keen to look like something out of 'Hansel & Gretal'.

The Gravitas That Fakes Never Have

Bonjour Mes Amigos

Come on a quick Pictorial Journey with me & The Ex-School Nurse! You won't be disappointed. Or bored. But perhaps a little Sad that you weren't with us.

It was yesterday morning at around 7 am when we loaded up Nursey's Four Wheel Drive & headed for Rozelle Markets where we had High Hopes of selling all our Unwanted Items of Clothing. And look at how much of it we had. If only I could get rid of all my Unwanted Emotions so easily. Actually, It wasn't v. easy for me to get rid of the clothes either. But more on that later.

Eyebrow Appreciation.

Look look look at me above with my Freshly Waxed & Shaped & Dyed Eyebrows that scream 'Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee'. Actually not her. More, 'Look at me, I'm Janet Leigh'.

I've just been teaching 'Psycho' to my Year 9 class & all I can look at & admire is Janet's majestically arched eyebrows. My eyes can't keep away from them even during the Shower Scene.

The Strict Eyebrow Regime.

Every four weeks I go to 'The Waxing Diva's' in Bondi Westfield .

And every time I go, it gets More Painful as Roe, the Eyebrow Diva finds more Rogue Hairs on my face to Wax. Eventually, I imagine that my entire face will be waxed.

How will I withstand the pain?

What the Hell? Why, O why am I talking about eyebrows when I'm supposed to be walking you through My Market Stall Pictures?

You know, this is the problem with Della. I'm mentioned this before. But its high time that I mention it again: The Blog has a mind of its own. It wants to run the show. It wants to set the agenda. But you know what? I'm in charge. Not Della.

So its back to Market.

Persistent Polka Dots.

Don't you think that the term, 'Polka Dot' is an Absolute Crack Up? I've never thought of it before. I'm suddenly thinking of neat rows of Happy Peasants on the Village Green with the Matterhorn in the background, madly polkaing to the accompaniment of a a Piano Accordion.

Perhaps it was the earliness of the hour, but when I got up on sunday morning, I was suddenly impelled to pay homage to the Humble Polka Dot. And I'm not sorry. I totally loved wearing this ensemble which was made entirely from Man Made fabrics . Luckily, I don't sweat much.

Arm Candy Rules.

I'm still totally obsessed with loading up my arm with Elacticised Bracelets that mostly feature pearls & diamantes & little cubes that spell L-O-V-E. Usually, I wind them all around each other to form an Interesting Arm Sculpture that often cuts off the circulation. But I couldn't do that at the market as I needed to use my arm.

Not that I don't have to use it on Normal Days.

Here's The Ex-School Nurse looking radiantly unruffled as she unpacks the Unwanted Clothes even though a small pack of vultures are surrounding her.

I must say that it was slightly stressful unpacking everything & throwing it on the trestle tables that are so generously provided by the Market.

(a) My table groaned under the weight of The Unwanted.

(b) I'm sure My Table was too much of a challenge for Most People.

(c) There's always at least One Item that everybody is drawn to & has to pick up & inspect.

And then they put it down. This time, the lucky Unwanted Item was a patterned slightly bubble shirt. After its Fiftieth Rejection, I started to feel quite sorry for it.

(d) Sales were generally slow throughout the day. Which was absolutely NOT what I imagined would happen.

(E) At the end of the day, I had to stuff most of it back into the bags & schlep it back into The Ex-SN's car.

(f) After an exhaustive Post Mortem, I decided that my Presentation & Marketing Strategy Needs to Change.

(g) I had a great time. The Ex-SN gave me a Louis V. satchel that had been kicking around her house for yonks & she thought she must sell. I am totally convinced that it is The Real Deal because it has a Certain Gravitas that Fakes never have. Plus, I have convinced myself that the stitching is a kind of a mustardy colour, which I am told is a Total Giveaway in identifying a real one. Plus Plus, I bought from her a fab pair of Patent Loafers that will be perfect for me when I briefly resume Winter when I go to California in three weeks.

Hats.

Here's a few Hat People that generously allowed me to photograph them.

I asked one lady who looked a little like a more grotesque version of Eddie in 'Absolutely Fabulous' if I could photograph her . She was head to toe designer-logos: Huge Dior sunglasses, LV silver logo dangly earrings, TWO LV shoulder bags & Dolce & Gabbana jeans. She must have been in her sixties. Not that I'm criticising because that's exactly where I'm heading.

I went up to her & smiled & asked if I could take her photo.

'Why?' she asked.

'Oh, for my blog', I replied.

'What's a blog?'

'You, know, The Internet'.

She kind of begrudgingly agreed & I scampered back to the stall to grab my camera.

Sadly, when I came back she said that she had decided against it because the Sour Woman in the next stall had informed her that I could be 'making money' out of her.

'No problem', I said.

I do love the contrast between the Frank Sinatriness of the hat with the Hippy Peasantness of the cheesecloth blouse.

That's twice in this entry that I've mentioned Peasants.

I'm sure there's an interesting contrast or a juxtaposition going on in the photo above, but I just can't find it at the moment. It must be time for Bed.

This lady, looked an absolute knockout.

So did this one.

My Life as an Absessed Tooth

Denial

Dear Amigos

It is such a shame that I have a v. strict policy of 'Never Explain Never Defend' because if I didn't, I would begin this post by explaining to you why I haven't posted for what seems like an Age.

Instead, I will just simply say that I have an Absessed Tooth.

I suppose you guessed already because of the pictures which I took myself.

They show all the various Shades of Me as an Absessed Tooth.

In the first photo above, I am imitating a knarled tree in order to distract myself from the Pain.

It didn't work.

The Dawning Realisation.

In the next photo, above, I have seriously moved into Ennui as the realisation has just dawned on me that I Will Have to Go to the Dentist.

Luckily, the dentist, 'Dayman Dental' is conveniently located right next door to my apartment building. Sadly, he is v. expensive. But then everyone tells me that ALL dentists are expensive.

And I absolutely can't put this off. Half of my face has Slightly Ballooned, accentuating my Naso-Labial Folds and making me prone to dribbling.

Libina, my Nasty Colleague says that I look like I have Bell's Palsy.

But none of my students noticed.

An Overdeveloped Gag Reflex.

Here I am above, after I've returned from 'Dayman Dental'.

I'm feeling dazed & slightly embarressed because My Gag Reflex went into overdrive when the dentist tried to shove something in my mouth when he was x-raying it. I just couldn't help it. But the dentist looked utterly disgusted.

Another thing to feel ashamed about.

Lightly Dribbling.

I went to the dentist.

He put me on Double Doses of Anti-biotics.

I'm still slightly swollen & lightly dribbling.

Tomorrow I go back to have the Rogue Tooth extracted.

I hope the dentist plays Michael Buble on his Dental Sound System during the procedure. I know Buble sounds like he's reading from the Phone Book when he's singing a Love Song, but I think that he's the Perfect Accompaniment for a Tooth Extraction. I only hope I can hear over all the drilling.

Oh, even though Pain Prevented me from catching Joan Rivers' 'Fashion Police' this week, I've still got Absolutely Oodles to tell you. And its all worth telling. I promise.

But not now. I have to finish watching a documentary about 'The Importance of Being Earnest' & then take an aspirin & then fall into bed.

But one of the things I will preview is about my Clothing Stall with The Ex-School Nurse that's coming up this sunday at The Rozelle Markets. Please come & visit us if you live nearby. We are going to be conveniently situated close by to a tree slap bang in the middle of the market. I already have some pictures to post as we went to the market last weekend to pay for the stall.

Just like Dr. Frankenfurter, I'm 'trembling with Anti-ci-PATION.'

Non Practicing Halloween Participants

Unexpectedly Celebrating Halloween.

For the benefit of My Overseas Visitors, I must inform you that Australia doesn't really celebrate Halloween.

To us, it's an Alien Holiday, almost, but not quite, as incongruous as us deciding to celebrate Thanksgiving , which also is a holiday featuring pumpkins.

I should know about Pumpkin Holidays because once, years ago whilst staying in California, I cooked an entire Thanksgiving Meal after watching a week's worth of Martha Stewart's Special Thanksgiving Banquet Shows. I've never heard the word 'gourd' used more in a half hour Lifestyle/Cooking show before. But I seem to have now forgotten what it actually means. Maybe Martha used 'gourds' as Thanksgiving table decorations? So perhaps they've got something to do with pumpkins. Or decorative autumnal leaves which I'm sure are a must at Thanksgiving.

Anyway, look look at me & my stepson Tyler taken last nite at the beginning of our 'Mad Men Season 4 Sunday Nite Dinner'. He had spent all that afternoon in between watching Bette Davis in 'All About Eve' (one of my favourite films of all time, but that's a whole other story) creating this exquisite Jack O'Lantern, which is what I believe to be their Technical Name.

I was absolutely thrilled to bits to be spontaneously celebrating Halloween at last even though I don't believe we should celebrate it.

Dripping in Pearls & Synchronicity.

And Oh dear Reader, the Synchronicity! I'm positively Dripping in It!

Little did I realise when recently purchasing that rather large nest of Pumpkin Coloured Candles from my favourite Candle Shoppe, 'Stax of Wax' in Newtown that they would go so magnificently with a Real Pumpkin!

I must really be in The Zone.

Note if you will, my Silvery Metallicy Bling Infested Top which is missing a rather large piece of bling at the front which I unsuccessfully overcompensated for by winding as many strands of pearls around my neck as was humanly possible. Up close, my neck looked like someone had Attempted Strangulation. But it was worth it.

But I'm not so sure about Me & Metallics. Maybe not. Maybe more Carnival Worker than Call Girl. And we all know what look I'm shooting for.

Here's Hunter & Tyler looking Magnificent. Sadly, I used a flash which slightly ruins the Magic & makes the Pumpkin look Cranky rather than Scary.

Sometimes I wonder what is better - looking cranky or scary. I'd say neither.

The Front of Betsey Johnson.

Today at 'BednobsEtc' I bought these Betsey Johnson Towering Infernos.

I couldn't resist them because now all my purchases are dictated by The Label.

What a Liberating Way to Shop! It cuts decision-making time in half!

The Back of Betsey Johnson.

I'm not entirely sure that I can actually walk in these shoes. And they are a rather Rare Size. 7M.

Even though I have a Flexible Attitude Towards shoe sizes, I don't think I'm a 7M.

But I'm just going to have to make myself a 7M.

As a slight test, I made myself walk all the fifty metres back to my apartment from 'Bednobs' in them. By the time I got inside the front door, I swear I felt like I had suddenly developed Chinese Bound Feet. Or Bunyans . Plus blisters & a broken little toe.

But if Guiliana Rancid can wear them & all the other co-hosts on 'Fashion Police' can wear them, so can I.

No Disrespect to Fish Wives.

Here's a particularly flattering photo taken of me today. At least the photo above is flattering. The full length one below has a slight Fish Wife quality to it. Not than I mean any disrespect to any Fish Wives that may be reading this.

In keeping with my Labels Only Dress Code, I'm wearing a 'Calvin Klein' dress that I swear to God looked like something a Nun would wear to do some Good Works when it was hanging up at of course 'Bednobs'. Because of the label, I bought it anyway & was genuinely surprised when it didn't look quite so Nun-like on.

In conclusion, I'm not giving you the finger in the photo. It was a mistake as I was applying lipstick. I have just violated my Strict Code of Never Explain Never Defend.