Use Tricks Learned in Dog Obedience Class to Train Men.

Just because I've been dumped doesn't mean that I have to become cynical about Men. 

Quelle Horreur! 

But during conversations with other women concerning Men over the past few weeks, I've noticed a Recurring Theme. I'd describe it as a kinder & gentler variant to  the 'All Men are Bastards' routine. 

In a nutshell, it's  'Men are like Inanimate Motorised Objects or Companion Animals & for Best Results, Treat Them as Such'.

Over breakfast at my local cafe recently I became mesmerised when Liz, a highly successful businesswoman, repeatedly described Men as 'Tonka Toy Trucks'.  She used rigorous arm & hand movements to demonstrate how they move along their path oblivious to everything around them until, 'BANG', they run into a roadblock & then they stop. I can't remember what's supposed to happen next, but I quite liked the idea that Men were Toys that we could direct at will, which was supposed to be the Moral of the Story (I guess)

On saturday morning, I was seated with my friends, Jenny & Di in the park across the road watching a huge array of dogs play & poo. It was another mesmerising experience. Talk turned to Dog Obedience Classes, something that I should have done when  my Poor Dead Dog, Bill was alive. Bill, an amazing black toy poodle died about three years ago, & I've never really recovered. But that's not saying much as I don't think I've recovered from anything. Anyway, Bill totally ruled my life, something I've been assured he wouldn't have done, had I taken him off to Obedience Classes. 

Jenny said that a way to stop dogs from jumping up  on  you was to look at the dog, clap your hands twice, & then turn your head away. Apparently, it works like a charm. Then, someone said that they'd heard that you can apply the same principles of Dog Obedience Training to Men  with Spectacular Results. In fact,  there's a book written about it. 

I must find out the title. 

Top 500 Victim Songs

In my relentless search to find the top 500 Victim Songs, I've been given a few great suggestions. Darla, from Bay side to Mountain side, provided me with the lyrics of 'Black Coffee', a great & classy song that fits the criteria beautifully. Thank you Darla. 

Work that Wardrobe suggested 'Every Breath you Take' which immediately resonated with me as it's all about stalking,  a behaviour that I briefly flirted with during the Mullet Years.

Over lunch in the Staff room, my esteemed colleague, The Duchess, loudly proclaimed that 'If I Could Turn Back Time' by Cher was the No. 1 all time Victim Song. Who could forget that inexplicable video of Cher aboard some Naval Vessel packed to the rafters with salivating sailors? I seem to remember her singing whilst straddling a v. large cannon on board the ship while the crew leered at her. And what did any of that to do with Turning Back Time, I ask you?

And what about the Outfit? I guess she was just giving fodder to Drag Queens.

Old Mullets

In yesterday's post, I revealed that 1986 was Mullet Year for me & that I'd post a Mullet Photo as well as a Mullet Anecdote. I've just spent hours trawling through hundreds of loose photos & I finally found a Double Mullet featuring my friend Marge, who I  recently visited in California. What's amazing is we're both channelling Billy Ray Cyrus & didn't know it at the time. In fact, I think that Billy's Famous Mullet came a few years after ours, so clearly we were ahead of our time.

Note the closely cropped sides which accentuated the Rooster top bits & the crimped long bits. Neither Marge nor I had a crimping iron (that's a rather old fashioned term), so we used to smear our hair in 'Dippity Do' setting lotion (more stuff out of the Ark) & make lots of little plaits & then sleep on them. The next day, we'd take out the plaits, & just like magic, our hair was crimped. 

Now for the Rather Sad Anecdote. Just after a particularly brutal Mullet hair cut where the sides were actually shaved, I visited my parents. At this stage my Mum was v. sick, but not yet Officially Dying. She had always been totally obsessed with my hair mainly due to it's extreme blondness which was a mystery to her because I was adopted. 

As soon as she clapped eyes on my Fresh Mullet, Mum started getting angry. In an effort to calm her down, I breezily said, 'Oh, Mum, it's only hair, it'll grow back in about six months'. 

'Well, that'll be too late for me because I'll be dead by then!' she replied. 

And she was.

Relentlessly Trawling

A few posts ago, I revealed my Latest Listening Choices for the Dumped Woman on my iPod. Of course most Dumpees  would gravitate to what I like to call The Wailing Woman Genre, also known as Victim Tunes.  I'm no exception. 

Lately, I've become obsessed with discovering my Top 10, or even my Top 100 Victim Tunes. But why not My Top 500? It's not as if there's not millions to choose from.

Between lessons, I sit at my desk in the staffroom, earphones in position,  relentlessly trawling through iTunes. Today, both Aunt Neddy & Trixie loudly complained that they could hear the earthy tones of ADELE (she only has a one-word name & it's inexplicably capitalised) asking 'Why be Right as Rain, it's better when there's something wrong' coming through the earphones & it was disturbing them. I hadn't realised until now that they both have Bionic Ears. That's a sadly dated reference to the eighties show, 'The Bionic Woman' which was a companion piece to 'The Six Million Dollar Man'. I personally didn't watch either show because I was too busy at the time relentlessly trawling bars searching for 'Mr Right', but my parents watched them. 

Ah, the Eighties! 1986 was a particularly Bad Year for Me & I celebrated  by having A Mullet. Next blog entry will contain at least one photo of Me with Mullet.  In the accompanying text, I'll reveal my Poor Dying Mother's reaction to it. It's almost a tearjerker. 

Anyway, I've just rediscovered at least some of the great Victim Tunes from that time. Aretha & Tina Turner were my favourites. Aretha had a couple of hits, with a silly song which  I quite liked, 'Who's Zoomin Who?' & my Personal Favourite, 'Another Night', where she loudly proclaims - 'My Man.....I Don't Need YOU to be bringin me down.....HEY!!!' I listened to it last night in bed just before I turned the light out. It made me feel surprisingly good & didn't disturb my sleep at all.

But the Song That Speaks to Me Most at the moment has got to be Dusty Springfield's 'Goin Back'. Strictly speaking, I don't think it's really a Victim Song, but it's got a sad, slightly knowing & regretful tone to it. In fact, I think that it was played when Dusty's coffin was being carried out of the church at the end of her funeral. 

Here's some of the words:

'I think I'm goin back

to the things I learned so well

in my youth.

I think I'm returning to

Those days when I was young enough

to know the truth.'

I just love the photo of Dusty singing in 1964.  I was desperate to look just like her. Unfortunately, that was virtually impossible because I was eleven at the time. Here's me, standing next to the sewage pipe in our backyard in Bondi, Sydney, wearing the outfit I wore to see The Beatles live. On the night, I wore a long Beetle Pendant & red tights & black patent shoes. Mum made me wear my hair like that. I would have preferred a beehive.

If anyone has any suggestions to add to the Top 500 list, I'd love to hear them.

Tears Dry On Their Own

Wardrobes, Lamb Roasts & Wishing Wells.

When I was part of a couple, I often lamented the lack of dinner invitations to private homes. Now that's a rather old fashioned term, isn't it? Private Homes.  It's the kind of thing my grandmother who would be 117 if she was still alive, would say.

Anyway, rarely did we get invited to dinner. Maybe people assume that as part of a couple you're far too busy Nesting. I'm not sure.

 But over the past two weeks I've been on two such outings.  And I'm fairly sure neither of them were Sympathy Invitations. 

On saturday night I unintentionally chose to dress as Mrs. Claus to have dinner at Jenny's house. At present, I'm mad on Muppet collars, so I wore this White Rat Muppet with a red wool sweater & big faux Chanel quilted boots. But the Wardrobe Highlight was the creamy gold cuffs freshly purchased from Diva. Luckily, I still have My Wardrobe to keep me distracted.

Di, another guest, humoured me by wearing a vintage suit from Paris. Worn with just one huge black bangle, it was simple & chic with a slight Hitchcock Blonde feel to it. 

After a fabulously cooked lamb roast, Jenny took us into her bedroom to admire her Wishing Well. Over dinner, we'd been discussing the Nasty Lawsuits against the founder of 'The Secret', Rhonda Byrne. I have to admit that 'The Secret' which has cleverly marketed the Law of Attraction,  has been my Guilty Secret, where I greedily  gobbled up the book & the video & the web site without telling anyone. Jenny's version of  'The Secret' is the Wishing Well which she keeps in her wardrobe.  It's a small Japanese-looking ceramic miniature well that contains a scroll where you write down what you want & then lower it into the well. So far every wish that Jenny has put in the well has come true. Mind you, some of the things she's wished for were pretty tame.  But I'm still impressed & will rush out & get one tomorrow.

Whilst admiring Jenny's Well, I spied a wonderful Rotting Doll Decorative Touch  on a  nearby shelf. Regular readers know my penchant for the Rotting Doll Style of Decorating, so when I see a great example, it makes me feel at home. Jenny's rather scantily clad Rotting doll  is also just visible in the photo of Jenny & her sister  taken  during the heyday of black & white photography. 

I guess it's almost my turn to host a dinner. Maybe on the weekend. Gosh, who would I invite? I'll have to drag some people out of The Vault, or maybe Cold Storage.

Glands & Things

My senior class have only got a month of their School Life to go & then they face their final exams. It's a dangerous time for them & their teacher. Frequently, students cope by going on the Glandular Fever Merry-Go-Round, a medical condition that I believe is known as 'Mono' in other Lands. Large numbers of students are either currently absent from school with it, or getting ready to go back to school after having it, or waiting for the Test Results to come back. Others fear that they might have it but would rather just worry about it instead of going to the doctor. That would be my Preferred Method of dealing with Glandular Fever.

Meanwhile, I'm at my usual post in front of the whiteboard  desperately trying to shovel in some last tasty morsels that they can use. When I mentioned that David Malouf uses truncated sentences  in 'An Imaginary Life'  , everyone looked at me blankly. You've never mentioned that before, they said. What is a truncated sentence anyway & what effect do they create? I just drew a picture which they then heavily criticised.

Anyway, I thought today's outfit thematically fitted in with the whiteboard.  I guess because it's got a slight Forest Feel to it. Everything except the Forest Green footless tights is thrifted, including my favourite YSL flats.