Walking on the Wild Side

 Today is Sunday.
I often suffer from. Sunday Ennui
Perhaps it's a relic from childhood when Sunday Sucked. Often on sundays my mother would make Roast Pork for lunch which I loathed. She & my father would then lie & tell me it wasn't really pork but meat from a different animal called 'Chickenpork'.
I desperately wanted to believe them. The same way I desperately wanted to believe them when they swore black & blue that I wasn't adopted.
But on both counts, they lied.

God, this is getting depressing.
Maybe because it's Still Sunday & maybe also because I took a walk in the Botanical Gardens today where I was totally creeped out by the tree above that had Frightening Purple Hued Hands growing from it.
No wonder many people don't like trees & want to chop them down, although I'm not like that & I wouldn't admit to it anyway..

As I was trotting along the Gardens, I came across a v. large kookaburra.
I am not a Bird Watcher.
But I do like Kookaburras & I've been desperate to photograph one for years but they always fly off just when I have my camera poised.
Today was different, though. This one just sat there & let me get closer & closer until I was standing just underneath. I couldn't believe how wide was its Girth & how many feathers it had.
At one stage, I thought it might be a Stuffed Kookaburra. But then I realised that that was impossible because it kept on moving.
Later, when I told my daughter by phone, she suggested that this kookaburra might be tame. 

 After I finished taking the photos, I thanked the kookaburra & moved away only to spy a little girl who looked eerily like my daughter Maeflower when she was about three. She is now twenty-four.
And, for a brief moment, I wondered if Time was Playing a Trick on me.
It wasn't.

When I'd had enough of Nature I ventured out to Circular Quay which is the gateway to Sydney Harbour. The place was crawling with what appeared to be tourists. I felt somewhat out of place.

As I was walking & desperately trying to fit in, I spied a man smiling & holding his arms outstretched with a sign saying 'Free Hugs'.
I immediately inwardly sneered.
Who the hell is going to want to be hugged by a stranger while they're on their way to join a queue to get on the Manly Ferry, or eat a bucket of Hot Chips, I wondered?

Turns out, a whole lot of people.

I was shocked.
Older Men, younger men.....

Middleaged women......
                                    and Young women.
But not me.
I did ask myself if I wanted a hug but it turned out I didn't.
Instead, I opted for a chat.
The Hugger is called Chris & he gives out Free Hugs when he thinks there could be a need. And it appears that there is a Big Need. He said that he rarely gets negative comments. A woman yelled out once that he was a depraved sinner & may God forgive him. But that was the only nasty thing he could remember. I bet if I did it, I'd remember every nasty sneer or sideways glance that I ever got.
But that's just me.

Getting Even

 Welcome Back O Reader. I do sincerely hope you are Still There. 

Perhaps you're not. But I'll pretend that you are.
 And I'll imagine that you are wondering what happened to me. Where did I go? Did I simply lose interest? Did I run out of seemingly endless Rhetorical Questions to pose to the Blogosphere? Or did I run out of outfits to pose in? Or run out of anecdotes or TV shows to bang on about?
Not for a nanosecond.
No, I simply went on a Holiday.
A School Holiday.
And a Blog Holiday.
I wish I could say that I spent the entire time being expertly massaged by a Shiastu Master & having my Chakras realigned & soaking in hot mud baths & eating delicious healthy meals made from ingredients that aren't pronounced the way that they are spelled, like Quinoa for example.( Can you believe that it's pronounced , 'Kinwaa'?) O, & slurping huge amounts of Vitamin Water & Cocoanut Water. And maybe some Lite Lipo & Botox thrown in at the end.
Sadly, as you can see from the photo taken today on my first day Back at the Whiteboard, I did none of that.

 But yesterday I did take myself & my friend AJ & a v. generous Gift Certificate she gave me for my birthday off to a shop called 'Benefit' where I kind of had a v.v. small makeover, although you'd never know it from the photo, above.  The whole experience opened me up to a Whole New World of Problem Areas that I'd previously been blissfully unaware of.
Like Pores. I had no idea that I had large pores around my nose the size of small bunkers on a golf course. But thankfully, I was able to buy a product that hides them. And a whole swag of other products too.
I was thrilled.

 But the thing I admired the most was the name of the products. Like the one above.
I have no idea what 'Get Even' does, but it wins the award for the Best Name for any Cosmetic Product of All Time in my books.
I hate to say it, but I've always yearned to Get Even. And when I first  heard the expression, 'Don't get Angry, get Even', it sounded like the wisest thing that I'd ever heard. Of course, it was 1986 & I had a Mullet. So what would you expect?
The one time in my life when I seriously tried to Get Even, it backfired on me in a big way. Full stop.
But I do love Getting Even in Movies even though I can only think of one at the moment.
The First Wives Club. You know, where Goldie Hawn & Diane Keaton & Bette Midler were all married to Nasty Swine who they all publicly took to the cleaners, except that Bette Midler took her Swine back in the end & I applauded her for it . I'm sure I would have done the same if I had the chance. Which I didn't.
But that's a whole other story.

 After the  makeover & Major Pore Realisation, AJ & I browsed & window shopped. I quite liked the quotes that covered the window of a boutique in nearby Paddington. My favourite quote concerned sweat pants & of course Karl Lagerfeld said it. 'Sweat pants are a sign of defeat'.
But after giving it some serious thought, I'm wondering if women actually wear sweat pants so much anymore?  Maybe sweat pants are Over. And, my next question is, 'if they are over, what has replaced them?' I can't answer that. Perhaps you can.
Take a moment or two, if you can be bothered, to read some of the other quotes. They're sort of worth it.

 You may recall that one of my favourite pastimes is to furtively photograph pages from books in bookshops. Perhaps you may think me a Lousy Cheapskate who  gets her kicks from the possible risk of Public Humiliation by being frogmarched out of a bookstore by an irate book salesperson? I mean, think of the embarressment.....
But I just couldn't help but show you these two wonderful quotes that I found in a  little book that I sadly didn't notice the title of.

 After the bookstore, we went to a shop called 'World'. I couldn't help but be intrigued by the 'I heart NZ' badges, but couldn't for the life of me imagine wearing one.

 As we were nearing our car, I also couldn't help but notice the name of another boutique, below.
Acne.
No matter how hard I try, I just don't get it.

 And then there was The shop next door. Easton Pearson, featuring Lime & Burnt Orange. I know that Lime is the Colour de Jour, but somehow I wasn't thrilled.
Perhaps I'm being a little harsh.

 I must must must get Into Bed. I'll never get up at 6.30 tomorrow which is my newish Regime. My aim is to bound out of bed in the morning like an Energiser Bunny who's just been fitted with brand new batteries.
I'll race out to the kitchen & before putting on the kettle,  drink two glasses of tap water even though a Health Professional recently informed me that Sydney Water had traces of arsenic & cat's wee in it. And perhaps an Eye of Newt.
 I don't care, I'm drinkin' it anyway.

Unparalled Cuteness

Apparently, Rabbits Don't Have Ears That Long.
Last sunday, I woke up v. early only to realise that I was totally out of Little Sachets of Apple & Cinnamon Flavoured Instant Oats.
Undaunted, I quickly dressed & scampered down the hill to the Supermarket, hoping against hope that no one would see me Without Make Up & wearing Uggs.
But half way down the hill, I stopped in my tracks when I came upon this Large Gaggle of Rabbits in the window of 'Macleay on Manning', a shop that sells Missoni Towels & Fornasetti Everything & Limoges Coffee Mugs & Prada Room Spray . And obviously Rabbits .
Perhaps you may prefer to call them Bunnys.
I was enchanted. They were adorable. And they meant Easter.
And Holidays.
As quick as a flash I took a photo with my iPhone.
But just as I was taking the photo, the spell was quickly broken by a neighbour, who stopped, took one quick look at the window & remarked, 'Sinister, aren't they?'
'Pourquoi', I inquired.
'Look at the way they're just sitting there staring at us. And they're all different. No two rabbits are the same. And what's with the ears? Rabbits don't have ears that long'.
Clearly, I'd unknowingly stumbled into a Parallel Universe.

 I'd certainly moved into a parallel universe in the photo above, taken in a Science Lab at school last week. Rarely do I venture to these parts, even though there's all kinds of enticing things to ogle at, like frog's fetuses & tiny dinosaur skeletons & dangerously fetid fish tanks with piranhas swimming in them. And models of the Human Heart like the one below.
Note I'm wearing a large Toy Dior scarf & a rather Nasty Spiked Bracelet that reflects my Inner Rage.

Did you know that the Semi-Colon reached its Peak of Popularity in 1800 & has been in decline ever since? Personally, I wouldn't give a rat's if it Completely Disappeared Tomorrow Morning, although I know certain people who hold great affection for it.
I mean, why bother?
But there's one Punctuation Mark that I do value.
The Question Mark. You can see one with a little noose hanging from it  in the photo below. I hope you don't think I'm being too maudlin or anything. I was just visually representing a line from a novel- 'The question hung in the air like a noose in the gallows'.
Let's Lighten Up.
In the photo below,  I'm having a Slight Wardrobe Malfunction because I wore my usual black singlet under the Ruffled Dusty Pink Pirate Shirt & it made its presence a little too felt. But I cheered myself up every time I looked down at the red & white Bruno Magli shoes I thrifted in Palm Springs this past  January.

 Smiling Coquettishly at Death.
I'm teaching a novel at the moment that's full of Death.  Small time thugs being found dead in cellars with their tongues cut out. People having their legs broken, that sort of thing. It's kind of Stomach-Turning, but I'm just waving & smiling through it all while I coquettishly point to the word 'Death' on the whiteboard, below.
I'm wearing a newly-thrifted miliary style dress in one of my favourite colours, Lite Elephant. 
On each wrist is a matching leather cuff with a strip of Toy Gold at the front.
I do love a Cuff. They're fun & classy.
Around my waist is a Toy Gucci belt. I'm just a Walking Toy Designer Brand.

 I decided to end this entry with a Cute Photo, just like the Nitely News likes to end their bulletins with a Cutesy Story like Marmosets dressed as jockeys riding Dogs on a Racetrack.  Or piglets doing Something Adorable.
The kitten below is called Dolly. She belongs to The Head of English who brought her to school because she was desexed & had to wear an Elizabethan Style Ruff around her neck which she kept on trying to get off. So, Dolly had to be Closely Monitored at School.
I think every Workplace, even an Abbatoir would definitely benefit by having a Pet.
 It humanises the place.

Flaunting Conventional Wisdom

Fruits de Mer, a photo by middleagedteacher on Flickr.

Easter is rapidly approaching, which means one thing - Holidays.
If I don't have a holiday soon:
I might explode.
Or use a Rude Word.
Or rush out of the house in the morning without a stick of Jewelry on.
Or eat a large packet of Corn Chips.

Actually, I've been shovelling in loads of Corn Chips lately which is a telltale sign that I'm nearing the End of My Tether, whatever that is.

But there was Absolutely No Sign of any of this today, as you can see from the photo taken just moments after lessons finished for the day & moments before I had to scamper off to a Tedious Meeting where I just managed to stop myself from hitting the teacher next to me with a Wet Flounder. Not that I had one with me at the time. But I fantasized about it.

Anyway, in the photo I'm wearing Real, Not Toy or Target Missoni!. A student told me that she'd spent the entire lesson trying to work out whether I was wearing a necklace or whether it was just part of the dress.
It's part of the dress.
And I'm wearing Horizontal Stripes without any fear at all that they're making me look any wider.
Personally, I don't care for Conventional Wisdom. What has it ever done for me?
And anyway, if the Missoni People think Horizontal Stripes are OK, who am I to disagree?

The Whirlwind Wardrobe Week

What a Wardrobe Whirlwind of a Week it Was! And it was all Dresses. But let's call them Frocks!

A Fractured Ode to  Frocks.
 Some were Old.
 Some were new. 
Some that seemed a little tighter than the last time I wore them. 
And one was blue.
One that was crushed even before I put it on.
 And, it had just been to the Dry Cleaners. 

A Little Known Fact about Me - I've always longed to be a poet. Not like Sylvia Plath. No horrible ugly old fish rising out of some mirror or lake or whatever it was frightening the living daylights out of everyone.
Absolutely Not.

But none of this has anything to do with the FLy photo, above. In fact, I'm not really sure what Fly London is except that they must be Shoes because I saw this poster in the window of Booty, my local shoe shop that I never buy anything in because I never buy anything new. I didn't realise how wonderfully majestic flies look, although I don't think that they seriously are Midnite Blue, a favourite shade of mine.
A Near-Perfect Segue.
Speaking of Blue, look look, below. I'm wearing a frock in almost the same colour as the Fly. I bought it a week or two ago from my favourite thrift store, 'BednobsEtc'. It has a French Connection label.
Do you remember when they used to call themselves FCUK?  Talk about Charmless. Although I've always thought a really catchy name for a Women's Clothing label is 'Rumpslapper'.
Back to the Outfit. Note I took a Small , or perhaps Large Risk in wearing Lime Marc Jacobs shoes. I'm sure I've told you that after seeing My Style Icon Jenna Lyons from J. Crew with a Lime handbag (do click on the link to actually SEE Jenna & Her Bag) I'm desperate to accessorize with Lime as often as possible which sadly narrows it down to wearing these shoes.
I must, repeat must find more Lime.

And then I wore Another Frock.
What an interesting life.
I never know when I spring out of bed every morning what I'm going to wear.
The Morning Routine 2012.
1. Get Up at 6.30 even though it's still dark because of lousy, stinking Daylight Saving which feels like it's never going to end.
2. Draw  bath.
3. Put kettle on. Make  cup of Twining's 'Afternoon Tea' tea.
4. Put sachet of Uncle Toby's Instant Porridge With Fake Fruit in Microwave. Wait 50 seconds. Take out.
5. Get in bath with Tea & Porridge.
6. Eat/slurp whilst wondering what to wear.
7. Definitely Decide.
8. Get out of bath.
9. Get dressed.

And then I wore a Crushed Frock, below, which I teamed with Jewels from The Fruits de Mer section of my Jewelry Wardrobe.
I must say that I was quite crushed myself when I picked this 'Carla Zampatti dress up from the cleaners. How come I paid ten bucks & it came back crushed? I then tried to iron it myself but gave up when the iron started to steam up & get all angry.

And then, here's me again, below, sitting at my desk in the staffroom having my Eyebrows Shaped by Fragrant Rose, a beautiful young teacher who is also a make up artist.
Every few weeks Rose makes the three metre journey across to my desk in the staffroom & attempts to put some sense back into my eyebrows after they were almost butchered to death by an assistant at Sharon-Lee, Sydney's Number 1 Brow Emporium.

Lastly, I'm wearing a dress that I've had for some years which I now feel is a little Too Snug for me, although I had no problem zipping up the zip which I think is an indicator that it Still Officially Fits.
I can't decide if I've put on a few pounds or not. It's driving me nuts. And I'm absolutely Not getting back on the scales because I've promised myself that Those Days Are Over.
So, I'm taking some Precautionary Measures by only eating protein for dinner. And no corn chips.
Last nite I  ate three boiled eggs & a can of baked beans.

I'm a Totally Shameless Copier, But Who Isn't?

Hello & Welcome to The World of Shameless Copying.
I'm not sure if I've ever admitted this before, but I'm a Totally Shameless Copier.
Never had an Original Idea in my life.
But then, who has?
Last week when I was watching At the Movies, a weekly round-up of  newly-released movies, One presenter, Margaret reminded Other Presenter, David, after he bitterly complained that the storyline of the latest action thriller had already been made into a film at least a hundred times before, that, after all, there are only Seven Stories in Storyland.( Quest, Romance, Tragedy, Comedy, Overcoming the Monster, Voyage & Return, Rags to Riches & Rebirth. Sounds like the story on my life. Perhaps it's yours too)
So, I don't feel so bad about No Original Thoughts. Neither should you.

 One of the first ports of call that I always go to if I want to Steal an Idea is The Sartorialist. I bet I'm not alone on that one.
I was thrilled last week or so when I came across the photo above of some wonderful young woman who had an enviable job in fashion, although after watching The Devil Wears Prada a number of times, not to mention loads of The Rachel Zoe Project, I'm not sure that any job in fashion would be enviable.
 Imagine the tyranny of having to race around all day like a Mad Overwound Mechanical Mouse in  Towering Inferno Heels  in order to meet Silly Deadlines ? (Actually, that sadly sounds frighteningly familiar)
 Or having to have the latest 'It' bag even if you hated it, although in my case, hating any 'It' bag would be Virtually Impossible?
Or having to hang clothes up on racks all day? I can barely hang my Own Clothes Up.
And having people who hate you call you 'Darling'?
Anyway, scroll back to the photo of the Young Woman With The Not-So-Enviable-Job. When I clapped eyes on her bejewelled collar I was overjoyed. Surely, I have something similar in my Toy Jewel Cupboard?
A hand crotcheted beaded collar made by the young Masai Girl who sold it to me just before I contracted Salmonella Poisoning from a Seafood Buffet at a Johannesburg Hotel in 2003.

Anyway, I promptly wore my Masai Necklace the v. next day mixing it with some Toy Gold & silver chains in a feeble attempt to emulate The Real Thing, shown above which I totally want to buy but is like 800 bucks.

 And I can't even afford to have a tooth filled at the moment, let alone get Badly Needed Root Canal Therapy or even worse still, have Tooth Implants inserted. I know it's such a downer to bring my Ever-Present Dental Nightmares into the blog post especially since we were having such a nice time up until now. But I just couldn't help it.
Now, where were we? Ah yes, we're out of the dentist's chair & into the magnificent virtual showroom of Dannijo Jewelry, who made the collar. 

I just typed in Scrool instead of 'Scroll'. I must say that I prefer it. It sounds cooler.
Anyway, look at me above at The Usual Sunday Nite Dinner last Sunday. I'm wearing a vintage dress which  is Slightly Old School of Me because over the past three years & seven months, I have been Not So Gradually throwing out all the clothes that I wore before August 2008 & many of these clothes could be loosely called, 'Vintage', but not necessarily In a Good Way.
I'm not going to go into Why I've done that, but suffice to say that I needed A Regime Change.
But for some reason this dress survived.
Or perhaps I bought it only a year or two ago.
 Anyway, last sunday nite was the first time I wore it & it may well be The Last Time. But do note that I peared it with two large Dinosaur Designs pendants that are dangling down like Strange Fruit, but not the kind of fruit in the Billie Holliday song.
I'm finishing up with yet another photo of Someone's Else's Jewels. I soo totally want them.   In case you're wondering, they're presumably owned by the person who is wearing them. Anna Della Russo who is another fashion person, perhaps connected to Vogue Nippon.
 Anna's great.
 She always looks like she's dressed for a Cocktail Party in Hell .
But in a good way.

Me Me Me & Moi

Maybe it's just the Company I Keep, but have you noticed that people these days are always going on about Other People being Narcissists or even worse, Psychopaths?
I've just trawled through a list of new books about Psychopaths on The Huffington Post.
My favourite title was 'Snakes in Suits - When Psychopaths Go To Work', although I must admit I was inexplicably drawn to 'I Married a Psychopath But Didn't Notice for Twenty Years: A Users Guide'.
Anyway, why I mention the topic is because this blog entry is choc-a-bloc full of photos of Me Me Me & Moi. I just couldn't help it.
And maybe you think that I'm nothing but a Nasty Narcissist or worse still , a Parading Psychopath.
 But I'm not. 
A Narcissist is not at all like Nilbrain Narcissus in the myth who fell in love with his own reflection that he saw in some rancid pool of water which he probably ended up drowning in but I can't be sure because I didn't  bother finish reading it.

 Nay, a Narcissist is someone who can't see the world from any other perspective than their own. They lack remorse & are low on gratitude. They like to flatter people who admire them & detest people who don't. They are Big Braggers & Huge Experts.
Not Me.
Oh, while we're not on the topic of me, why not scroll back to the first photo while I walk you through it:

1. In case you were wondering, I'm holding up a freshly baked tin of cupcakes baked by one of my students to celebrate a birthday which wasn't mine. Mine is next week. And it's One Off a Landmark Birthday.
2. I'm wearing my favourite trenchcoat which looks v. like a Parachute.
I could never go Parachuting. I would die of fright before I got a chance to pull the Ripcord or whatever it's called.
Now, scroll to the second photo which was taken yesterday in the staffroom by Aunt Nettina. I always get her to take my photo if I forget to have one taken in the classroom. She is most obliging.
 But let's not Talk of Her.
 Instead, look at the Giant Black Flower that I've attached to the dress that I bought a few years back from 'Bednobs Etc', which is where I bought everything I'm wearing in just about all the photos.

 Look above. This is what I wore today:
1. Blouse with Pussy Bow.
2. Skirt with Ruffle. Thankfully, no one mentioned that they were different patterns that didn't quite go together.
3. Lime 'Marc Jacobs' shoes. In spite of the fact that Lime is   difficult to wear,  it's  favoured by many Middleagedwomen who mistakenly think that Lime makes them look Cool.
  I am not one of those women, but I am a succour (that can't possibly be the right spelling?)....oh now I remember - Sucker (what a moment of Revelation. I wish I had more of those) where was I?....oh yes, I'm a sucker for  a Designer Brand, & Marc Jacobs is about as good as it gets.
4. Dinosaur Designs resin bracelets that weigh down my wrists but I don't care.

 To prove that I actually have some kind of Social Life outside of the Classroom, here's me at a birthday celebration last week at "LL Bar & Restaurant, Potts Point. I have a kind of Love Me I'm Helpless look on my face but it was only because it was Raining outside but not in my Heart.
I'm wearing a Wild Animal Print Jacket I bought for ten bucks at Cotton On when I was last shopping there with my daughter, Maeflower.
Oh, & I'm wearing a Number 9 charm that I bought at Anthropologie.

 Talking of Dinosaur Designs, here is the beautiful & stylish, Guinevere, daughter of my friend, The Ex-
School Nurse at the helm of the Dinosaur Seconds or Whatever Shop, Extinct.
I was totally bowled over by her wearing of Royal Blue & Aqua together, which is my Almost Favourite Colour Pearing. (deliberately spelt that way)

 And then I went to an Afternoon Tea on Sunday at the Stylish Tea Parlour in Sydney's Redfern. I was enchanted by Amelie, the vibrant hostess of the establishment, who served up Russian Caravan & French Earl Grey Tea in large silver teapots amid a dizzying array of fascinating objects including a Real Stuffed Peacock.
 I'm sure that a Peacock would make a Marvellous Mascot for a Narcissist.

Anyway, Amelie had a fab vintage red dress on & shoes with a v. interesting heel which sadly I didn't manage to capture in the photograph.

 And then I was trudging down Macleay Street to work & came across this dog who was stuck outside a cafe with a lifeless toy for comfort while his owner sat inside shovelling in a giant bacon & egg roll.
The dog looked like how I happened to be feeling that morning.

When will this ever end? I'm desperate to hop into bed as it's almost Past my Official Bedtime.
I'll just talk in Dot Points from Now on.
Above:
 *Sharon Stone in 'Casino'.
 *Slightly Slutty but Acceptable for Work.

* More Cupcakes. Another birthday.
*Diane Von Furstenberg dress. That makes 3.
* Two necklaces.

* Full view Diane V F.
* Another DVF. below. .
* Now have 5 DVFs but not really counting.