The Overworked Hologram

1. Due to excessive fatigue am reduced to writing in Numbered Points.

2. You'll be relieved to know that My Cable TV is back. I almost cried with joy when Two Burly Cablemen finally arrived on saturday afternoon to install it.

3. I've just been watching a Slightly Smug English Arts Programme - The Book Show, hosted by a Blond Norwegian woman whose Plummy English accent has been voted the sexiest voice on TV. She quoted novelist J.D. Ballard who said that reality was an, 'overworked hologram'. That's exactly how I feel at the moment.

4. Today was my final lesson with my Senior Class. I got a Huge Ring from The Class Angel, Grace. It went well with my Vintage Lanvin possibly silk dress that I wore today above, making sure that the word, 'Lanvin', which had been v. thoughtfully printed on the pussy bow, was Visible At All Times. In fact, I spent all day trumpeting the dress's 'Lanviness' to anyone who would listen, or at least pretend to listen. OMG, I just invented a new word. Even though I'm nearly sick with fatigue.

5. This morning I was standing at 'Zinc', waiting for a takeaway latte when I bumped into my Ex-Real Estate Agent. If I was an American, I would call him My Ex-Realtor. Ant is a slickly well-oiled chap. Some would even go as far as to say that he was Smarmy, one of my favourite words, but one that I sadly don't use often enough. Others may even call him Fragrantly Pin-Striped.

Anyway, Ant took one look at me & immediately noticed that I was carrying a small 'Hermes' shopping bag.

'Is that a Fake Hermes carry bag?' he asked.

'NO', I replied.

'How did you get it then?'

I smiled & said nothing. Never Explain, Never Defend is my motto, although you'd never know it. (They gave the bag to me at 'Bednobs Etc.')

Then Ant looked at the Rest of Me. I knew that this next bit was going to be a challenge.

'The rest of you looks Unusually Expensive as well'. ( He didn't actually say that in words, but that was what he meant)

'Its Vintage Lanvin'. I just couldn't help myself.

I guess ever since Joan Rivers began asking Stars on the Red Carpet, 'Who are you wearing?' that its kind of OK to Trumpet the Brand.

But can you just imagine The Queen or Jackie O doing it? Certainly NOT the Queen. Perhaps Jackie did. She certainly loved a Brand. Her second wedding dress was a v. unexciting 'Valentino', I just read. But I'm Such a Fan, I think she looked fab in everything, even the blood-splattered pink Chanel Suit. I know I'm vulgar, but I'm sincere.

6. 'Vulgar' is word absolutely dripping in subtext for me. My mother used it. My grandmother used it. The nuns used it. Being vulgar was really about the v. worst thing you could be & every time I heard it, a little part of me would die.

I'm now desperately trying to remember what a Big Vulgar Sin was, but I'm stumped for the moment. . . . It definitely must have had something to do with swearing. And I'm sure shoes came into it somewhere. Possibly talking loudly. Telling dirty jokes. Sitting with legs splayed. Mentioning money in polite company, particularly at a dinner table. Wearing huge fake diamonds. Name-dropping. Talking Politics. Oh God, I could go on for Days!

I knew it would all come back to me if I put my mind to it.

7. Channelling Queen Mary.

I'm nearly choking above, on my grey necklaces. Actually it' s one long graduated necklace that I've wound around my neck a couple of times so that the circulation has almost gone, but it was worth it.

Queen Mary has got to be one of my all time Style Icons. I bet that you didn't know that I felt this way about her. Someone once told me that she tried to slit her throat perhaps on her honeymoon on the Royal Yacht & for the rest of her life she had to cover up her neck to cover the scar. That seems a little unlikely, but its almost a good story.

8. Lastly, before I leave you, I must give you a last minute tip for reading 'Mrs Dalloway'. I just learned it from a Learned Antiquarian Bookshop owner from Sussex on 'The Book Show' who had never managed to read it because of its Stream of Consciousness, but Had to read it because she'd just joined a book club & it was The Book of the Week. Anyway, she recommends that you initially allocate One Hour with the book. You have to sit there & wriggle & squirm with it for a hour. At the end of the hour, you'll love it. In fact, Antiquarian loved it sooo much, that she read two more Virginia Woolf's after.

9. Lastly, lastly, my daughter, Maeflower has just purchased a Tropical Fish Aquarium. She is following Strict Rules about waiting a week to let the water become more Fish Friendly or whatever before placing fish in there. A wise move. She reminded me of our Underwater Family when she was growing up. We had an axolotl called Sushi for perhaps as long as ten years who was not young when he was given to us. I waited in vain for Sushi to transform into a Salamander. Sadly, he died a slow death before it happened. In fact, I think he had been dead for some time before we realised as it was difficult at the best of times to tell if he was alive. I remember taking him out of the tank & wrapping him in a pair of of Mr. Ex-Middleage's Calvin Klein undies & putting him in the freezer. I'm not sure why I did this. Perhaps I thought I was cryogenically freezing him, so that he could be brought back to life later.

Time for Bed.