I am telling you because 1. As a poor Abandoned Princess, I'm always angling for sympathy.
2. It is a Mildly Interesting Story.
But where oh where do I begin? Do I start where the trouble began on the previous weekend when I finally cleaned out my Shiny On the Outside but Quietly Rotting on the Inside Stainless Steel Refrigerator?
Or do I cut to the chase to last Wednesday nite's dinner when the problem really came to a head?
Let's go with the dinner.
1. Desperate to infuse some Comfort & Warmth into a small straggly bowl of cauliflower flowerettes, I reached for some 'Weightwatchers' grated cheese from the fridge, confident in the knowledge that since I had just cleaned it out, everything in it was reasonably within their Expiry Dates.
2. I sprinkle cauflifower with said cheese & microwave it.
3. I eat at least three mouthfuls before I Smell a Rat.
3(a) I abandon eating it.
4. I go to bed.
5. I wake up at 4.30 & wonder what's wrong with me.
6. Five minutes later I know what it is.
7. I am sick for two days.
8. I originally blame the Basil Infested Gourmet Sausages that I ate along with the cheese soaked flowerettes.
9. But then I drag the 'Weightwatchers' plastic wrapper out of the garbage & read with dismay that it was five months past its expiry date.
10. I feel relieved that it wasn't a Mystery Illness as I was beginning to think that perhaps I had a Brain Tumour that had vomiting as a symptom.
Anyway, that top photo was taken on the day of the illness. Its a lesson in, 'You Never Know What's Going to Happen Next'.
One minute you're standing next to the whiteboard pondering Descartes' Dictum -' I think therefore I am' & feeling Rather Smug about it & the next you're lying next to the toilet in a foetal ball wondering whether its worthwhile trotting back to bed before the next attack arrives.
Do bother to scroll back & behold my Andy Warhol Marilyn tights. I haven't worn them in a while & decided they needed an airing, although I was concerned that I may look a little (a) Moutonesque in them (b) Carnival Workeresque in them. (Of course no offence to Carnival Workers intended)
I did enjoy wearing them even though Nasty Ernestina in the staff room said that it looked like I was going back to 'The Bad old Days' . Whatever that meant.
Please note that I'm wearing my almost, but not quite favourite shoes - thrifted Subtle Electric Blue 'Ballys'. They certainly lend a Minnie Mouse quality to my outfit.
But where oh where is Mickey, I wail?
Lastly, I'm wearing a little badge with lips like Marilyn on them that I bought at 'Diva', my favourite shop in the entire world besides 'Bednobs & Broomsticks'.
Here's me last nite while mindlessly waiting for my guests to arrive for the weekly 'Mad Men' dinner.
Please note that I wore an item of clothing that v. soon was to create Some Controversy amongst the guests .
Underneath my Plastic Toy Biker's Jacket, I am wearing a Real Dolce & Gabbana top which has only got room to say 'Dolce & Gabb' on it. How appropriate.
Tyler & Hunter, both young hip men, said that wearing brand names was Absolutely Fine except that they didn't do it anymore. In fact, Tyler was wearing a V. Born to Rule Lightweight Cardigan with the 'Pringle' insignia emblazoned discreetly on it but no words.
They said, as long as it wasn't a 'Diesel' bought for two bucks in some country Famous for Counterfeiting, or perhaps a 'Lonsdale' brand, it was Perfectly Acceptable.
I felt Affirmed.
But then Carlotta, ever the purist, said that she thought wearing a brand name on your front was Cheap & Pointless.
I was crushed.
What a Knife's edge I live on.
Desperate to create another controversy, I quickly made another Costume Change straight after 'Mad Men' finished.
This time it was a genuine silk shirt by 'Valentino' that had been languishing in the racks at 'BednobsEtc' for the past two, or was it three weeks, slowly lowering in price.
Last week before my illness set in, I finally decided to put it out of its misery by purchasing it for five bucks.
I was thrilled. Fancy, me & a Real Silk Shirt by The Last Emperor Himself!
I made everyone guess what brand it was.
No one could come up with the right answer until I mimed someone tanning their face under a sun lamp.
Knowing the brand made absolutely no difference to the Universal Opinion that it was awful. Even though shoulder pads were back in fashion, they weren't the right kind of shoulder pads. It needs a belt or something. The pattern looks tired. Like Valentino was phoning it in the day he designed it. The elderly woman who owned it probably died & it was generously donated by her niece.
I am now Setting Myself an Official Della Street Wardrobe Challenge.
I am going to wear this shirt to school or perhaps more wisely on the weekend & Make it look good. Or perhaps, will it to look good. Never fear, I'm going to do Whatever it Takes.
After all, if a sixteen year old from Australia's Sunshine Coast can sail around the world on her own like Jessica Watson did, I can make this Tired Old Valentino Silk Shirt look chic. Or at least presentable.
I've been trying to think of a way to mention Jessica all through this post.
Now I've done it, its Time to Go to Bed.
Oh, here's 'Ol Dolce & Gabb unadorned. Please note that I am wearing Pants but I would rather call them Slacks which is what they were called when last I wore them back in 1979.