Della Street Dreaming Ennui

I'm suffering from perhaps Blog Ennui.

I don't want to call it 'Della Street Dreaming' anymore.

And I've never even bothered to tell you who the hell Della Street is & why I called my blog after her in the first place.

And, while we're at it, what's with the 'Dreaming'?

Let me explain.....

Once upon a time, I was a child who was Addicted to TV.

My favourite show between the ages of 8-10, maybe older, was 'Perry Mason', starring Raymond Burr as the brilliant lawyer who resembled a Fridge with Gravitas. His incredibly efficient, gorgeous & empathetic secretary was Della Street, played magnificently by Barbara Hale, who was an expert in Eyebrow Acting.

I never missed an episode & as a result became v. well-schooled on how a murder investigation & subsequent trial should be properly conducted.

The show stopped in 1966. Poor Raymond became 'Ironside', a name that really suited him because of his Fridgeness. I stopped watching TV & retreated to my bedroom where I picked my pimples & attempted to apply Mink False Eyelashes whilst endlessly listening to The Troggs singing 'Love is All Around' on my portable record player. Once I listened to it continuously for four hours which was Quite a Feat considering it only went for two minutes, thirty-three seconds.

But that's a whole other story.

Years passed. I forgot about Perry, Della & Paul Drake, Perry's private detective who I didn't bother to mention earlier.

More years passed. And finally, like everything else, they turned up on late nite TV.

Even though it was on v. late, way past My Official Bedtime, which I didn't have then, I stayed up & watched them.

I became hooked all over again. It didn't bother me that I noticed that there was a distinct lack of a Jury in any of the Court scenes. Or that the sets looked like Carboard Cubicles & all the Nite Scenes were obviously filmed in the daytime. Or that the plots were a little thin or not quite believable.

I just loved all the regular characters. Even the unnecessarily Smug district attorney Hamilton Burger, played by an actor who looked like A Human Cigarette. Burger lost every single case against Perry, but doggedly continued his Unfailing Smugness through the entire nine seasons.

But my favourites were Perry & Della. I imagined myself getting into some kind of Serious Trouble & ending up inside Perry's wood-grained cardboard office with Perry looking at me with his Penetrating Gaze & Della comforting me with her Eyebrows.

In fact, I became so enamored with the show that I began painting it. That's the top picture. I made up a v. lame schoolgirl story called 'The Case of the Bulging Locker' about the theft of cakes from a girl's locker with Perry & Paul promptly bringing the culprit to justice.

Please, I beg you, click on the image if you can be bothered . I promise it won't disappoint.

So, when it came to give my blog a name, the first one that popped out at me was Della's.

Which is of course ridiculous because it has nothing whatsoever to do with her, although I often mention my Eyebrow Maintenance Schedule. But I've never mentioned Della's.

Perhaps there are other bloggers who have Rashly & Foolishly named their blog in a rush & then lived to regret it.

This is what I want to call it.

But I can't change the name. At least I don't think that I can.

Oh dear.

if Its Lanvin, It Must Be Silk

This is going to a v. short post.

More like a Blimp really.

But I just had to show off my Real Vintage Perhaps Silk Lanvin dress that I've been crowing about since last friday when I pounced on it at 'BednobsEtc'.

In fact, I spent the day sashaying around the school hoping that people would notice.

I began early by sidling up to The Head, Miss Bracegirdle with a More than Usually Cheery 'Good Morning'.

Sadly, she didn't appear to notice, although she said 'good morning' back.

But just about enough people noticed & made the right kind of noises to make it All Worthwhile.

I'm sure you're relieved as hell to know this.

Last post I mentioned that I was desperate for the dress to be silk. I searched like crazy all over the dress for a label that said 'Silk in French', whatever that is, but sadly couldn't find anything.

But wonderful Janavi, who is an acclaimed expert in the Field of Clothes, wrote that if it is Lanvin, it must be Silk.

Phew! I'm v. relieved.

Behold, the World's smallest Horse.

Carlotta, knowing my desperate desire to own a Miniature Companion Horse sent me this photo today while I was suffering from Mid-Afternoon Ennui at my desk in the Staffroom.

Talk about a Bonding Experience! All the other English teachers who were similarly suffering Mid-Afternoon Ennuiness, crowded around my school computer & cooed for what seemed like An Age.

Definitely one for the Middleagedteacher Happiness Project.

More Middleagedteacher Happiness

A Quick Update.

Perhaps you might remember some weeks back when I discovered 'The Happiness Project'. I couldn't be bothered buying the book & then having to turn the pages to read it, so I just downloaded it with a Free Credit from audible.com.

Each nite for say, three nites I went to bed & put on my Massive Listening Earmuffs & tried to listen.

Each nite I fell asleep after about five minutes max.

Clearly, I wasn't really that interested in Happiness.

I was much more comfortable with Sadness, tinged perhaps with a little Resentment & a dollop of Rage on the side.

So I gave up listening to 'The Happiness Project'.

Anyway, the author, whose name now escapes me, wasn't that unhappy to start with. Perhaps even a little Smug . She had a husband who pukily Adored her, an apartment in Manhattan, a job as a lawyer maybe, & some little children who were adorable. It seemed that her biggest problem was Cluttered Shelves.

Quelle Horreur!

So I gave up listening to Madame SmuglyHappy. But that doesn't mean to say that I've Abandoned the Project.

No no no. I've just Re-Branded It.

The Middleagedteacher Happiness Project.

Happiness Item #1: Necklace Making.

Lately I've been beavering away in my cluttered studio amongst cluttered shelves making necklaces. Like me, all the materials that I'm using are 100% Recycled. So far I've made ten. This one, called 'Three Coins in the Fountain' is one of my Personal Favourites.

Happiness Item #2: Taking a photo of my Weekend Outfit.

It never disappoints. This weekend I wore All Black which fits in beautifully with the Slight Whiff of Autumn that Sydney is having. The top has a Sad History. But I am desperately trying to Rehabilitate it.

You see, it was amongst the large truckload of mainly thrifted clothes that remained & rotted in my Ex-Beach House after Mr Ex-Middleaged exited. I only recently got them back after twenty months of being abandoned in some damp-ridden & rat & spider infested hole out of sight & out of mind.

Oh dear, I'm afraid Sadness, tinged with Resentment & Mild Rage have crept in.

Make that Incandescent Rage.

Happiness Item #3: Thrifting & Rehabilitating Bruno Maglis.

Some of you may baulk at wearing Other People's Shoes, particularly if the owner died while wearing them.

That's why I alway wear my trusty Sockettes.

On saturday I bought these Slightly Scuffed Shoes at 'BednobsEtc' for five dollars off the asking price. I do drive a Hard Bargain.

But what was I to do about the Scuffiness, I wondered.

Carol, who works at 'Bednobs' suggested Nail Polish.

It was so exciting going to the Chemist & selecting the Exact Shade to match the shoes. Luckily, the assistant was a Drag Queen, so I got expert advice.

Hope you're feeling Happy Now.

Lastly, I can't wait to hop into bed & fall asleep because, when I get up, I'm going to wear Weather Permitting, my newly-thrifted possibly but not definitely, Silk Genuine Vintage 'Lanvin' dress that I got on friday after rather a demanding day at the whiteboard. The only negative thing about it is that there is no label anywhere on it that says 'Silk'. But it looks & feels Silken. Just like Silken Tofu. But you will be relieved to know that there is a 'Lanvin, Paris & New York' label on it. I wonder if they still make 'Arpege'. It always reminded me of somebody's mother.

Straight Out of a Fairytale

Behold! Me & a Carpet Snake.

Well, I'm not exactly sure what kind of a snake it is, but since it's frolicking on a carpet, let's just call it a Carpet Snake.

A Petting Zoo for senior Biology students came to the school last week & I unceremoniously horned in on it.

I thought my Golden Shoes from 'Target' a few years ago & my Agnes B skirt looked fantastic with the snake, who had absolutely loads of personality. I was shocked & immediately charmed by it/her/him.

And here I am back in my boring old classroom with a Felt Frog. It was all I could rustle up under the circumstances. But it felt so Fake & Inauthentic after I experienced a Real Green Tree Frog in the Science Lab.

Sadly, there's not much call to wheel in A Petting Zoo when you're an English teacher. Although there are snakes & even a lion in the Forest of Arden in 'As You Like It'.

Back to the Frog.

Again, I was surprised at the Breadth & Depth of the frogs's personality. Not only did he change colour during the brief time he was allowed out of his perspex home, he also massively leapt around the lab, showed remarkable ability to cling to things & made a small croak.

Talk about straight out of a fairytale! I felt like I was in 'The Frog Prince'.

My Body is My Playground

I do like the title I've given this post.

It was Entirely Serendipitous. A short while ago, I was watching The Style Network, no longer a favourite TV destination for me because, call me Impatient, I got sick of waiting for poor Ruby, the over 400 pound star of the channel, to lose the weight.

Anyway, some Man in the Street was asked on the Style Network by dear old Ruby whether he ate healthy foods. He said Absolutely Not. He only ate junk because, 'My body is my Playground!'

How Reckless! How Cavalier! How Devil May Care!

If only.

Here's me above at this week's 'Boot Camp' Experience.

Who would have thought that doing Plank Pose on a Medicine Ball would immediately make me feel like I'm living inside a Playground?

Amazing.

My friend AJ also joins in. She is desperate to box. A v.v. Important Milestone Birthday is Looming Large for 'ol AJ . So she must box.

I am putting on protective surgical gloves not to perform an internal examination, but to protect my hands from other people's sweat whilst inside the gloves.

I'm still delicately inserting each finger inside the gloves. It was a Tough Operation, nearly as demanding as the boxing itself.

Note my Sporting Top. Its a Stella McCartney for Adidas that I thrifted at BednobsEtc'.

I was thrilled.

A real Celebrity Designer meets a Real Sporting Brand. A marriage made in Sporting Heaven. Now I definitely have Boot Camp Cred, I thought.

Sadly, my fellow 'BootCampers' all queried Stella's use of the Puff Sleeve as a suitable style for a Serious Sporty Type.

Finally, I box. Who would have thought that the Puff Sleeve would be perfect for boxing? Note the way it hugs my upper arm & accentuates my Soon to be Bulging Muscles.

But more importantly, note the arms on Miss Jay, the Games Mistress from School. I want those Exact Arms.

Miss Jay has been accepted to run in the New York Marathon this November & not Anybody can go in it. You have to be good. I am soo hoping that some of this will rub off.

And in closing, I've just found out that my Monday evening Yoga Instructor, Kiren, also teaches Nicole Kidman.

Thrifted Holiday Outfits with Exciting Names

Outfit #1: 'Not Ninety Nine'.

You may be relieved to know, Dear Reader, that it is the end of the holidays.

I am now Officially Back at School although Without Students.

That comes tomorrow.

I must must must Blog V. Fast so that I can watch an episode of 'The Inspector Allyne Mysteries', an obscure British crime series by Dame Ngaio (pronounced Nao) Marsh, dramatised many years ago by the ever-reliable BBC & generously lent to me by Trixie who recently found a DVD copy & pounced on it I'm sure because she knew I liked it so much & she had a Gift Voucher to use up & didn't know what else to get with it.

What a long sentence. But sadly, not nearly as long as some of my students manage.

Recently, I counted a sentence by a Year 7 student that went for seventeen lines. I now realise what an incredible achievement that was. Perhaps she is really 'Gifted & Talented' after all.

Anyway, after I watch 'Inspector Allyne', I want to hop into bed & get to sleep in a twinkling which is something that I've had unusual success with lately. Perhaps its the Boxing.

And then I want to wake up v. early so I can swot up on 'Frankenstein' which I'm teaching with 'Bladerunner' first thing tomorrow morning & I can't remember a thing.

In fact the whole idea of teaching tomorrow seems rather Strange & Alienating. Like the last time I did it was a Lifetime ago & I'm scratching my head to remember.

Maybe its because I spent the Entire Holiday Feverishly Thrifting at 'BednobsEtc'.

And I do mean Feverishly. There is a reason for my Feverishness but I'm not telling now as its too unsettling. Maybe later when I've gotten over it. But then again, I've never successfully gotten over anything in my life.

Let me Walk You through some of my Holiday Highlights.

First cab off the rank if you can be bothered to scroll back to the first photo is a true vintage coat. Perhaps it could be called a Trench. It sadly Stunk O' Damp. I sent it to the Dry Cleaners but it still has a Slight Whiff O' Damp. The Knowledgeable Dry Cleaning Lady told me that I needed to hand wash it first.

Absolutely Not. I'd rather put up with the Damp.

I've called this outfit 'Not Ninety Nine' in honour of the fab 'Ninety-Nine' in 'Get Smart'. I'm sure she had a coat similar to this one but I bet it didn't Stink 0'Damp. When I was a kid, I wanted to look like her, but I definitely didn't want to be with Maxwell Smart. What a mistake.

Outfit #2: 'Me & Agnes B'.

I nearly wet my pants last week when Gabe, the manager of 'BednobsEtc' said that I could have this genuine Agnes B skirt for fifteen bucks instead of thirty, which was the marked price.

Outfit #3": 'Dolce & Me'.

I have become a Compleat Label Whore. I just couldn't not thrift this probably A Little Too Butch 'Dolce & Gabbana' top which sadly only had enough room on it to say, 'Dolce & Gabb'. I'm wearing it with a skirt I thrifted last year at a v. large so-called 'Vintage' store in Berkeley, Ca whose name I now can't remember along with anything about 'Frankenstein', but perhaps it had the word 'Buffalo' in it.

Outfit #4: 'Morticia Middleagedteacher'.

I hope you get the reference to Morticia Addams from 'The Addams Family'. When I was a kid I vowed that I'd grow up to be as Cool as a Cucumber just like her, but without the Creepy & Cloying husband Gomez.

But maybe I'm more Lily Munster. Which would dovetail beautifully into 'Frankenstein' as her husband Herman was modelled on Boris Karloff's monster.

All roads Lead back to Mary Shelley.

Or perhaps more accurately, back to Cheesy Old Sitcoms.

Anyway, I'm wearing a lace 'Wayne Cooper' dress which was a major thrifting coup because Our Wayne is Australian Designer Royalty.

Outfit #5: 'What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas'.

Sadly, there's not a designer in site in this outfit. And it probably shows. But I just couldn't resist the Satiny Blingy Busty Top that I've teamed with a Slightly Slutty skirt that has echoes of Wild Animal Print. I am standing in a rather unfortunate pose with my toes pointing in as if I'm channeling Waif or Street Urchin. It was an accident.

Advanced Style Goes to the Geriatric Ward

I went to the Hospital this afternoon to visit Aileen who is pictured above with me almost a year ago on our way to her 96th Birthday Treat to see 'Chicago'.

I loathed it. 'Chicago', not The Hospital.

Aileen was making her bed the other morning when she fell over it & hurt her face & shoulder.

When I arrived at the Geriatric Ward she was sitting up next to her bed. Most of one side of her face was coloured a most disturbing shade of Aubergine.

But In spite of it all, she was kind of chipper even though she couldn't remember if she'd seen a doctor.

Seated right next to her was Dorothy, aged 95. She was also kind of chipper. Even though a whole heap of Dorothy's family were gathered around being chirpy , it appeared that Dorothy thought that I was visiting her too. She ignored them & told me that she was born in 1915, had 11 grandchildren & over 200 great-grandchildren whose names she couldn't remember. I unsuccessfully tried to do the Maths.

Dorothy's family (mercifully minus the Great-grandchildren) must have had a gutload of being ignored, so they left. As soon as they were out of sight, she asked me to pass her the box of Cadbury's 'Roses' chocolates that were perched on Aileen's bed.

Aileen immediately said that was out of the question as Dorothy was a diabetic.

'What difference does it make?' I asked.

'It'll make her sick.'

I tactfully decided to change the subject.

'Haven't you just eaten a really large rock cake?' I asked.

'It was stale'.

I wasn't prepared to risk Aileen's ire so I sensibly hid the chocolate in the sheets.

Then the woman whose husband was in the opposite bed & who looked like he was in the next best thing to a coma, came over for a chat.

'We've been married for 55 years' she announced.

OMG, I was two. Fancy being married to the one person for nearly the whole of my life.

'I've been watching him the whole time you've been here, & he looks at you with such love' said Dorothy. I thought he was in a coma.

It was kind of fun being there. Everyone was chipper.

Why I've Never Embraced Free Spiritism.

Perhaps this might come as a shock to you, Dear Reader, but I'm Not a Free Spirit.

I'm far too Nail-Bitingly Nervous. Not that I bite my nails. I keep them v. short & file them, if possible every day. I am not a fan of Acrylic Nails. Neither are any of my close friends.

In fact, I don't belong anywhere in a Venn Diagram that represents Acrylic Nails.

Phew!

I'm glad we've got that One Sorted.

Now to get on with The Rest of My Life.

I am still on holidays. Hence, the Irregular Postings. I am out of my routine, away from the Comfort & Security of the Classroom, My Whiteboard & the Staffroom.

I sit in my studio making necklaces. Hopefully I will sell them at an Artisan's Market soon.

I take my little red Honda out of the Carpark & make short trips across the city. I don't wish that instead I was sitting in a water taxi or a gondola in Venice.

The Living Wall.

Here I am on Sunday nite at my weekly 'Mad Men' dinner which was a special occasion as it was a regular attendee's birthday. More on that later.

In the photo, I am re-sticking things back on the kitchen wall that had fallen off because my guests were standing too close to them. I was quite irritated by this, but managed to mask my feelings beautifully.

I've been dying to show you this wall for some time. I call it The Living Wall because in between the pictures on it I put anything that takes my fancy from Everyday Life- E.G. an envelope addressed to me; stamps from an envelope; used theatre tickets; 3D glasses; birthday cards. Occasionally I'm tempted to stick a Nasty Bill on The Living Wall. So far I've resisted.

I do like mixing Real & Fake Together.

A bit like my personality, really.

You'd never guess, but most of the enormous foliage in my kitchen next to the stove is Entirely Fake. The leaves trailing up the window are fake. So are the wonderful frangipanis. But not the massive cammelia leaves which are on the lower level.

On the v. lowest level is a v. scraggy maidenhair fern that I love dearly. It is Entirely Real. Every morning I will it to keep sprouting fronds or whatever they are. Its kind of obeying me.

The plant next to it absolutely refuses to die. I've been expecting it to for almost a year, but it keeps on growing new leaves.

A bit like Me, really.

The Evils of the Hankerchief Hem.

I wore this ensemble on monday for lunch with The Other Sue & her daughter at 'Fratelli Fresh', a local combined restaurant & Italian Providore. All the staff appear to be Italian Packpackers. Everything in the place seems to come from Italy, unless its a vegetable which I imagine would come from Australia, although I read a sign in there announcing the arrival of asparagus from Peru.

Anyway, the place gives me the craps because it pretends to be Italian when its not. Honestly, you'd swear you were in the middle of Rome instead of the middle of Potts Point.

Don't I sound like An Old Crab? I must get over it & move on.

Oh, yes, I must get back to The Evil Hanky Hem.

I have always had (or is it 'held'?) Great Ambivalence about them. They give off a Slight Circus Harlequinny feel, don't you think? Or maybe its an Eighties thing. I can't put my finger on it.

But on monday, I put these Serious Reservations on the back burner & went gaily tripping out of the house thinking that I looked like The Grande Dame of Street Urchins: Edgy but Age Appropriate, with a hint of Toy Chanel.

I felt sure that if Karl L. saw me mincing down the street, he would nod with approval.

I was wrong.

Back to Birthday 'Mad Men'. Here's Carlotta, the birthday girl with Velvet, the wonderful Horse vet who does not recommend that I keep a Dwarf Companion Horse in the apartment because she claims they can't be Potty Trained. Or whatever you call it.

Carlotta is looking rather suspiciously at the Twin Chickens that I especially roasted for her as a Birthday Treat. Note the Fake Chickens on the left of the picture that are leftover Easter Decorations.

It is getting Dangerously Close to my Official Holiday Bedtime. But before I trot off to the Land of Noddy & Big Ears, I must finish where I began: The Free Spirit.

Perhaps the reason why I've never embraced Free Spiritism is because I saw a biopic of the legendary dancer & Free Spirit, Isadora Duncan, played by Vanessa Redgrave, when I was an impressionable teenager.

According to the film, Isadora spent her life spontaneously breaking out into bouts of Free Form Dancing which involved loads of long flowing scarves & perhaps Nakedness.

Anyway, a scarf finally killed Isadora.

She was driving in a little open sports car along a narrow road, probably on the French Riviera or somewhere where Free Spirits hang out. One of her long scarves was wound tightly round her neck. The rest of it was billowing out of the car. It was windy. She thrust her head back & laughed as Free Spirits often do. But not for long. The scarf became entangled in the spokes of the wheel of the car. She was strangled to death.

I'd Like Everything, Including My Life to Be in 3D

This is the last of the Backlog.

Yesterday Trixie & I went to see 'The Men Who Stare at Goats'.

We both really liked it, although I would have liked it far more if it was in 3D which is my new favourite thing. I want everything, including My Own Life to be in 3D. It would add sooo much more to everything. I'm even thinking of going to see 'Nanny McPhee' because its in 3D. And perhaps even 'Clash of the Titans', which I'm told is a stinker.

Like every other cliche-ridden woman in the world, I am obsessed with George Clooney. I would love for him to stare at me, not in horror, but in fascination.

The closest I have ever got to a Hollywood Star looking at me was a few years ago at Sydney's Museum of Contemporary Art's restaurant.

I was lunching with a v. deluded female friend when I looked over & realised that the 'In Treatment' actor, Gabriel Byrne & an unidentified female were seated at the next table. When my food arrived, Gabriel leaned over & asked me what it was.

'Chicken Kiev', I replied.

'I'll have that too', he smilingly said to the waiter who was attentively hovering.

My V. Deluded Female Friend then moaned in a loud whisper, 'Why can't I find someone like that?'

'Because you're not Ellen Barkin', I hissed back.

Bling Droop

More backlog.

This time its a Birthday Party. I suppose you could tell from the shoes above.

One pair of them are 'Marc Jacobs' worn by my friend, The Ex-School Nurse. I'm not going to tell you which ones.

I'm such a wag.

Here's the Birthday Girl. Not the baby. She's not old enough to have a Birthday yet.

Here's a rather unflattering photo of The Duchess. Her partner, The Walking Kilt is standing behind her. I think the addition of a kilt adds a Certain Grandeur to any occasion.

Last week at the party to celebrate the closing of Art Month, I spied a man wearing what I was told was a 'SKORT'. Perhaps I've got this wrong. It was a long straight skirt which he wore with a suit coat.

Shouldn't it really be called a 'SKANT'?

You know, skirt+ pant= SKANT.

Anyway, kilts are Classier than skorts.

Anyway anyway, I loved The Duchess's After Five Lace Dress in my favourite shade of Elephant.

Pity I didn't get a decent photo. Perhaps she'll wear it to school next term & I can photograph it then.

Here's what I gave the Birthday Girl. Well actually, its only the outside wrapping which I thought was a triumph of Recycling, if not Re-Gifting.

On the left is a card that reads, 'Who said you can't have it all?'. I made it.

In the middle is a Jo Malone Scented Candle box that I got as a gift which I didn't like much because the candle didn't smell enough. I filled it with fab bling that I bought at A Bling Shop. I carefully wrote 'NOT' above the name 'Jo Malone' so she wouldn't get too excited & think she was getting a 'Jo Malone' item when she wasn't.

And then there's the little Carry Bag that I found in the Recycling Bin in my building.

Lastly, here's The Ex-School Nurse & me. We scrubbed up rather well I thought, although I do look a little like I've just emerged from a sauna.

I'm wearing my thrifted 'Charlie Brown' Bling dress which is sadly suffering from 'Bling Droop'.

The E-SN is wearing the 'Marc Jacobs' shoes. But you can't see them.

Buns

This week has been a Slack Blogging Week.

I'd love to make lots of Reasonable Excuses followed by a Humble Apology.

Holidays, existential ennui, laziness, procrastination, lack of motivation, desire to do something else for a change, earlier than usual Official Bedtime. A sore hand from too much boxing perhaps.

But I won't bother.

So now I've got a Backlog.

Let's start with over a week ago.

Good Friday to be precise.

What wonderful aromas wafted out of Heidi's apartment when she opened her front door to welcome AJ & Me for her Annual Good Friday Hot Cross Bun Tea Party.

Here am I Inspecting the Buns. They were beautifully soft & moist for a change & bore little resemblance to last year's Offerings which were as hard as rocks, resulting in a chipped tooth.

Perhaps you are thinking that I'm being a little too harsh & self-disclosing. But don't worry, Dear Reader, Heidi doesn't read my blog so I can confidently slag-off her buns with impunity.

I'm sure AJ will be pleased with this photo taken with The Buns. She looks like she could be advertising Powerful Pain Killers or something.

"I haven't got time for Migraines. I've got all these buns to eat.

I recommend 'Migratron'. It really works.

See your doctor if Pain Persists".

Lastly. I had to show you my new sockettes. I'm totally obsessed with them.

I'm Not Afraid of You, You're Nothing But a Pack of Cards!

Today Trixie & I went to see Alice in Wonderland which we both thought was an entirely misleading title. I won't bother walking you through the Plot, but suffice to say that Lewis Carroll was only interested in little girls & he certainly wouldn't have recognised Tim Burton's Alice who was chronologically old enough to get married, although not mentally old enough.

Problems With Unwanted Wetness.

I, of course had never seen 3D before. Such An Eternal Naif!

I nearly wet my pants, which at my age is not really that uncommon, although I'm not at the stage when I have to wear, what are those things called?

Elderly Nappies perhaps? I'm sure they've got some fancy euphemistic name escapes me.

I just remembered! Incontinency Pads. Or perhaps 'Incontinence Pads'

Anyway, The Magic of 3D was better than anything I'd ever experienced before. Just about.

And when a butterfly popped out at me at the end, I became v. excited & immediately took it as a sign of My Imminent Transformation. I'm not sure into what, though.

I wonder what's going on with me?

Last nite it was Imminent Resurrection.

Spoiler Alert!

Trixie & I both gave 'Alice' seven & a half out of ten because the plot stunk. You knew what was going to happen straight after she fell down the rabbit hole when Whatever His Name Was, the Smoking Caterpiller dragged out some old parchment that was supposed to be An Oracle which said that Alice was going to slay the Jabberwocky.

And that's what happened. The End.

Big Woop.

There was a Big Disney Message in there about Not Being a Wimpy Girly Wus (pronounced 'Wous' as in 'Cous Cous', you know, the Moroccan dish) which actually I quite liked & is certainly a v. apt Take Home Message for me right now.

Believe it or not, I have enormous Wussy Tendencies which I have to Urgently Overcome because I have my own Personal Jabberwocky to slay at the moment. I will reveal all when I've slayed him.

Final Regrets.

My favourite line in 'Alice in Wonderland' & perhaps in all the books that I've read so far, which incidentally for an English Teacher is not that many, is when Alice says to the Queen & her army, 'I'm not afraid of you, you're nothing but a pack of cards!'

I love it I love it I love it. I love it so much I want it on my tombstone.

Alice didn't say it in the film.

Here's what I wore to Alice:

1. Navy.

2. A Real, not Toy vintage Chanel scarf.

3. A Homage to Le Tour Eiffel.

Can you see it? Its a ring. You'll have to click on the image to actually see it. Go on. I bet you haven't got anything better to do.

I am absolutely Not a Francophile. I have never read 'A Year in Provence'. And I find I have little in common with other middleagedwomen who bang on endlessly about Frenchiness. The one & only time I went to Paris was when I was 21 & I wore massively bum-widening stonewash jeans.

But lately, everywhere I look, I see images of Le Tour Eiffel. Today for instance. I walked in to my favourite in the World Mall shop, 'Diva'. And what did I find? Yes, the ring. And these gorgeous little badges which I will wear tomorrow.

I just loved the second badge: 'A girl should be two things - Classy & Fabulous'.

I must must must remember that.

What Character Would I Be in 'Alice'?

Lastly, every time I see a movie that I like & I did like 'Alice', even though I only gave it a High B, I always ask myself what character am I in it. For instance, in 'The Sound of Music', I'm the Mother Superior, as well as The Countess who was going to put all the Von Trapp kids into boarding school once she snared The Captain.

In 'Alice', I would not be Alice herself. Nor would I be The Red Queen. I could never say, 'Off with her head' with such insouciance. Nor could I be The White Queen because I'm not interested in Ann Hathaway & wouldn't want to be her or any of her characters.

No, I'd be this really crapped off white mouse who was voiced by the Cockney actress, Barbara Windsor who must be about 80 now but used to be the little but busty blonde in the 'Carry On' films. Not that I sound like a Cockney. Or that I'm busty.

Even though its Holidays, its my Official Bedtime.

Can't wait to wake up tomorrow.

Au Revoir, mes amis (Franglais)

I'm Holding Out For the Resurrection

1. The Phenomenon of Easter

Here above are my Easter Decorations.

Not only do these hens look entirely realistic, if perhaps a little small, they sound realistic as well. If you press a button underneath the scarily lifelike Nest, a loud 'Cockadoodledo' comes out.

I'm soo kicking myself because I didn't treat my guests at last nite's 'Mad Men' dinner to this. It would have been wonderful to have all three sets of hens 'Cockadoodling' in unision. And I'm sure everyone, including the neighbours would have absolutely loved it.

As it was, the hens were the Talking Point of the evening. Everyone admired them & also marvelled at how I always manage to find Undiscovered Gems at Two Dollar Shops, which is where I purchased them.

It's now Easter Monday nite. The Easter Super Long Weekend is almost at an end.

What a relief. It appears that I managed to get through it without suffering too much Existential Ennui, which has persistently been a feature of My Easters over the years.

Perhaps I over-identify too much with The Cruxificion, which apparently I can't spell.

I need to move along to The Resurrection.

In Australia we appear to Really Really Observe Easter which is slightly strange because we're not known as being v. interested in religion & we've got one of the lowest Church attendances in the World. Oh, I do soo love sounding authoritative.

I'm going to be sounding authoritative more often. And you'll believe everything I say.

2. Walking You Through The Australian Easter:

1. Everything shuts on Good Friday.

2 Most people have the day off.

3. Everywhere is like a Morgue.

4. Easter Monday is shut too.

5. The weather always starts to get a tiny bit Autumnal. My mother always called it 'Easter Weather'. This year was no exception.

3. Skulls Are Hot Right Now.

Look above. This beautiful young woman, whose name I think is Georgia is wearing a v. charming necklace. I spotted her across a somewhat crowded room at the closing of Sydney's inaugural 'Art Month' on Wednesday before Easter Set In. From a distance I thought she was wearing Kitchen Implements. You know, like pots & pans & spatulas & knives.

She wasn't. They're skulls.

And then on sunday when I was admiring a gorgeous Winter Jacket for perhaps a two year old made by a friend Neridah, I noticed that the buttons were tiny silver skulls.

I was Slightly Shocked. But why should we shield our Young Ones from the Realities of Death, I ask you?

3. Barefoot in Black.

Here's what I've been wearing mostly this Easter. I purchased it on thursday at 'BednobsEtc' before they closed for the Entire Length of Easter. It is a cozy 'Cue' dress with a hood. It has a slight Fleecy Feel to it. Which is entirely appropriate for that little hint of Autumn.

In the Clearing Stands a Boxer And a Fighter by Her Trade

I am now Officially On Holidays.

Today I celebrated by having my first Personal Training Session at a local park. My trainer is Miss Jay, The Games Mistress at school who Moonlights, or perhaps more aptly, Sunlights as a Personal Trainer.

I found it a Cathartic Experience. The highlight was the boxing.

I have never before boxed.

Miss Jay presented me with a set of 'Everlast' boxing gloves & instructed me to put them on. I instantly felt like a boxer.

I then had to run around the park with them on while Princess Pip, who is training with me, had her turn.

When she finished, I had to stand with one foot forward & put up my dukes. Miss Jay then stood in front of me holding leather pads & told me to imagine that the pads were a Nameless Person's Head. She then told me to punch the living daylights out of them.

It was fantastic. I had to punch in different ways. Up, down, across.

I got v. nasty & even used some expletives that wouldn't normally cross my lips.

Miss Jay told me to be careful because if I missed & hit her by mistake, I would instantly knock her out.

On the way home, I found myself inwardly singing, 'I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar', a far cry from the days when I used to sneeringly substitute 'snore' for 'roar'.

You may wonder if I'm becoming a little obsessed with Middleagedbodyimage.

Absolutely Not. Although I have become fascinated with the gradual growth of tiny little muscles in my front area that I never knew existed. And... I still can't do a proper sit up. Imagine what kind of a washday stomach I'd have if I could do them!

Personally, I blame the fact that I had a Caesarean. But that's a whole other story.

Time is slipping by & in fact, it's just gone My Official Bedtime. Plus my left hand is feeling a little strange. Perhaps I boxed too hard.

So now I'll revert to Summary:

(A) Look look look at my Story of Prometheus on the whiteboard. I particularly liked how I made Zeus a large, overfed Pussy Cat.

(B) Still loving wearing Navy. I could be dressing for The Polo. Or perhaps I could be looking like someone's Mum. Or both. At once.

(C) The Ex-School Nurse & Lampshade Me at our Market Stall on Sunday.

We made a dashing pair.

(D) Here's how to have a Clothing Stall. Throw everything on tables. People love it.