Here I am in front of one of my Favourite Walls being Fearless. Or at least imagining what it would be like.
I've always been fearful.
Actually, no. Petrified.
As a child I was terrified of Clowns & Dogs. A clown went 'Boo' in my face when I was v. little. After that I couldn't go to any birthday parties if a clown was going to be there. Or if I did, I'd have to go to a Clown-Free part of the Birthday House where I would sit quietly shivering whilst I picked at a Lonely Cocktail Frankfurt or a piece of Fairy Bread.
Thank God I eventually got over that one. Imagine if it had gotten worse instead of better & I wasn't able to leave the house in case I ran into a clown?
And then of course, there were The Nuns at School. All thirteen years of them.
The most Frightening Nun that I had was called Sister Loyola. She was called 'Fish' because her mouth was perpetually poised in an 'O' shape like a Fish Mouth . And her eyes were Decidedly Fishy too. Kind of desperate & searching.
'She called me a 'Supine Spineless Jellyfish' once because I wouldn't dob another girl in. Or I wouldn't dob myself in. Or I didn't wear my school hat & gloves in the street. Or I ate hot chips in the street without my school hat & gloves on. Or I told a lame dirty joke about the definition of Hope being a pregnant schoolgirl rubbing her stomach with vanishing creme. Something or other.
I looked up the meaning of 'supine' later & was surprised to discover that it meant 'lying down perhaps on a chaise lounge'. Imagine a spineless jellyfish doing that? It gave me hours of fun but sadly didn't stop me from being Petrified of Fish.
This year, its been forty years since I've left school. The Reunion Buffet Luncheon is on next month. But that's a whole other story.
I'd like to end on a Positive Note by talking v. briefly about Goals. Every time I write the word, I type 'Goad' instead. Not on purpose. Entirely by accident. Perhaps my unconscious is trying to tell me something.
Anyway, My #1 Goal is to Become Fearless. I used to think it was v. clever & almost sneeky to 'Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway' which was my favourite self-help book at one time. Like, 'I'm not gonna let that lousy ol' fear get the better of me! What would Annie Oakley do? She'd just jump on her horse backwards & then stand up on it while it was galloping! Never mind that she might have puked later!'
No. My goad/l is to completely stop being fearful. No more gnawing in the stomach. Or sweaty palms. Or dry mouth. Or occasional stuttering.
I'm off to bed to practice. Fake it till you make it.