My Best Christmas Gifts

Oh, before I proceed to Upper Case Christmas Day where firstly my daughter Billie-Mae & I will have to go out into the streets of Potts Point to find a Christmas Latte which will be quite a challenge because most of the good cafes will be shut & only the lousy touristy ones open, I must smugly show you the best gifts that I got this Xmas.

Here they are last night - Ashton, MBF Marge's son who is visiting from California, my beautiful Maeflower & my stepson Tyler.

An Upper Case Christmas

It's Christmas Morning. But I feel like calling it xmas morning. Last nite, me & my daughter Billie-Mae feverishly wrapped gifts while Ashton, MBF Marge's American teenage son watched endless Xmas Specials of 'Futurama'.

I have never watched this show before. It's set in the future where everything is but a shadow of what it is now. So, instead of having Christmas with a Capital 'C', they have lower case xmas. I found it Quite Droll if a little repetitive. And you KNOW how I hate that.

So, this time I'm having an Upper Case Christmas:

Family Friends Food Festivities Fullness.

If only I could could find an 'F' word that means gifts. What a shame. If you can think of one, let me know.

Happy Holidays!

A Retrospective on the Year Before Last

One of the Great Advantages of having A Blog of One's Own is that you can hold Mini, or even Maxi Retrospectives of your Life in Outfits & no one can stop you.

Here's another Retrospective.

Not from this year.

I'm still on last year . I can't seem to quite let go of 2008 yet even though it's perilously close to 2010. But then again, I've never been able to let go of anything.

A Famous Example of this was the time in Year 1 or First Class as it was then known, when I was standing with Mum talking to my teacher, A Nun.

Suddenly, Nun bent down to my level for some unknown reason, perhaps to get a better look at me or maybe to tie up her Nun Shoe Laces. But I immediately assumed that she wanted me to kiss her which seemed a little odd as Nuns were not to my knowledge interested in Bodily Contact. In fact, they showed v. few human characteristics.

A bit like Karl Lagerfeld now.

So I kissed her.

'Oh NO, dear, I wasn't wanting you to kiss me! Heavens' No!'

I was Soo Mortified that I hid in Mum's skirts.

And I'm still hiding in them.

If you can be bothered, scroll back to the first photo. I've plundered the School's archive which has placed me being appraised by a large conga line of of girls from the Class of 1952.

Oh, isn't it wonderful how Photoshop facilitates Time Travel!

Anyway, that's my Most Successful Look of 2008. And it was the first in a Series of Toy Chanel Outfits that is still going on to this day.

Even though I bought the dress for 6.95 at a now-defunct Landfill shop, I still wear it & love it. The shoes are the Jewel in the Crown of my Rotting Designer Shoe Collection. They are genuine YSLs. Recently, the buckle came off one of them in my Senior Class, & the ever-helpful College Vice Captain raced off to the Art Dept. where she had it glued back on.

Now I'm too scared to wear them.

The next item from 2008 is Self Explanatory. Except that I would like to point you to my Eyebrows. I'm sure if you look hard enough, you'll be able to find them.

This one probably doesn't need much explanation either. Which is a good thing because I'm getting Slightly Peckish. It is now after 9am & I still haven't eaten my Multi-Grain Weet Bix. But they are calling me.

Just quickly, this outfit is Not Good. Particularly the vest/top which was in a hateful shiny faux animalskin material suitable for Pole Dancers. Not that I've got anything against them as I believe it gives you a fantastic workout.

Lastly, my Obsession with Muppet Fur. Actually, I don't think it looks too bad. It's the Mrs Claus Toy Chanel Quilted Boots that Create an Issue.

Weet Bix here I come!

The Elderly

I do so enjoy taking photos whilst driving. In fact, some of my best photos have been taken from the car.

I took the photo above today whilst I was driving around The Eastern Suburbs of Sydney with my newly-arrived from California Best Friend, Marge. Whilst stopped at traffic lights, we both marvelled at this Dazzling Array of walking frames & wondered when the time came for us, whether we'd be able to choose one. I tentatively chose the cherry red & grey combo whilst Marge felt that she just couldn't go past the Elegant White.

Anyway, I feel sooo tired & weary tonite that the thought of not just a walking frame, but a fully-fledged motorized wheelchair, sounds v. enticing.

Marge & her family of husband Kenny & son Neddy are v. briefly here to visit her 96 year old mother Aileen, who I'm sure I've featured on the blog or at the v. least, my flickr site over the past year. She still lives on her own & travels by bus to The Bank, a favourite destination of The Elderly.

Here we are in Aileen's apartment. Note that the blinds are v. purposely drawn.

What is it about about The Elderly having the blinds drawn at ten o'clock in the morning when it's a beautiful day?

Is it simply Pure Terror that the Soft Furnishings will fade, I wonder?

Oh dear, I do sound a trifle Sneery & Snotty about The Elderly. I must cut this out immediately. It's not as if it's Their Fault that they're old. Like they deliberately planned it or something just to irritate us Real People. The only comfort that I have about when I become Elderly, is that by the time I get there, they'll be more of us. 96 year old are still Quite Rare.

Back to Me & the photo. Marge has her eyes closed because she is experiencing jet lag.

I, on the other hand, am not experiencing jet lag. Do look at my of course thrifted from 'BednobsEtc' Trent Nathan knit dress. I can't think of anything more to say about it except that it's one of those items that I keep on wearing even though I don't think it's that great especially when I have a gigantic wardrobe to choose from.

That was Rather Smug, wasn't it?

In case you were wondering about how I am going with the Gradual Fake Tan, I'll now give you an update: Quite well, although I do look a little pale. Perhaps even Washed Out. But not Washed Up.

Lastly, look at my friend The Ex-School Nurse .

She made a Home Visit to me on saturday & I couldn't help but take this snap of all her wonderful jewels that are from 'Dinosaur Designs'. Its such an unusual & fantastic look, worthy, I think of inclusion in Advanced Style.

Lastly Lastly, look at all MY jewels. I just couldn't be outdone so after The EXS Nurse left, I really piled them on even though I was just prancing around my apartment on my own.

Mother of pearl, macrame, text, piano keys & plastic. Surely a Winning Combination.

The End of an Elbow

Hello Internets!

This is One V. Exciting Post because:

1. It features pics of Real Celebrities, not Toy Celebrities like Me.

2. It just is.

Can you guess what my topic is?

It's certainly not another 'When Before Meets After', with the Celebrity being the 'Before' & me being the 'After'.

No. No. No.

Today I'm comparing my various body parts with the equivalent body parts in celebrities.

So, I'm comparing my face, particularly my naso-labial folds with Goldie Hawn's & my upper arms & skin with Sigourney Weaver.

Let's start with Me & Goldie.

Look closely at both pics. How are they thematically linked? (Oooh, I do sound like I'm back in the classroom . I must be missing it)

The more astute of you will have noticed that my pic features a small brace of Toy Oscars which are the latest addition to my Kitchen Holiday Tableau. Goldie is an Oscar Winner. At least I think she is. What on earth would she have received an Oscar for I wonder?

'Private Bemjamin' perhaps?

'Shampoo'? God I loved that film. My favourite part was at the v. end when Warren Beatty, who from memory had behaved like an Utter A.Wipe Commitment Phobe throughout the film, as soon as he sensed that Goldie (or maybe it was Julie Christie) was losing interest in being with him, uttered the words that I've always longed to hear - ' I just want to take care of you, baby'. And because Goldie/Julie had had a Gutload, she said 'No thanks' & stomped off.

I would never have done that. I would have melted & stayed.

Anyway, Oscar-winning Goldie hasn't got a wrinkle in sight. Her face is shining like a Beacon. And her Naso-labial folds have clearly disappeared up her Nasolabial.

I think that I can fairly safely say that She's Had Work.

I, on the other hand, haven't had any. But I'm toying with it.

But maybe not.

Let's move on to Sigourney. I've spent an Absolute Age closely examining her amazing biceps which I guess she's been v. carefully growing since her 'Alien' days.

But it's her elbow that has really captured my imagination. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like her elbow has two ends (is that the correct Technical Term for the End of an Elbow?).

Or maybe its just a Large Corn growing out of the side of it. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be cramping Signourney's Red Carpet Moment.

The other thing I noticed (or at least I thought I noticed) was that her Arm Skin was a touch crepey. You know, like crepe paper. That too, doesn't seem to be cramping her RCM.

Move along to Me. Look at my arms. Pure Crepe Paper. Or even Crepe Suzette. Like Sigourney, it also doesn't seem to be cramping my Polo Shirt Kitchen Moment.

I should end by making some Really Important Point. But I couldn't be bothered.

You make it for me.

Oh, the pictures of the Celebs were from 'The Huffington Post.' But I would much prefer to call it 'The Huggington Post'. Maybe you would too.

Be my guest.

Extreme Blogging

I am having a competition with myself to see how quickly I can write this blog entry. In fact, I've uncharacteristically set myself a Time Limit.

Yes, I've got ten minutes to write this before I press the PUBLISH POST button.

Perhaps you could call this an exercise in Extreme Blogging.

Blogging as part of the Vancouver Winter Olympics. Not because blogging involves skis & snow, but because it could be seen as a cozy, wintery, indoor activity.

But I digress. Just stick to the script. Which is one of my favourite sayings.

Behold my Xmas Decorations. Note my Minimalist Xmas Tree that resembles something that Chimney Sweeps used to shove up chimneys. Its going to be so worth it to enlarge the image, My Friend, so you can see the little brace of glittering High Heels that are festooning the apex of the tree. In my Extreme Haste to photograph, I cut off the also glittering Angel that is at the v. top. Note also the also glittering rocking horse which one of my stable of action figures is sitting astride. Note also the chocolate coins which has always been my Xmas Signature Style. Then note the small cache of gift-wrapped gifts. I'm so thrilled with myself.

Here's a detail from my 'Louis Quinze with Antlers' tableau which greets visitors as they arrive at my apartment. I am absolutely wetting myself over these gorgeous little pieces of priceless furniture that I got at 'Hot Dollar' at Bondi Westfield.

Time's moving on. So I'm now going to Radically Summarize. Look look look at me above wearing Harem pants. Major breakthrough because I haven't worn pants since 1983. Truly. I rarely, if ever lie. Perhaps they are a little short in the leg because I bought them in the girlswear section of 'Best & Less'. I now realise why people wear pants. I'd forgotten because I've always been obsessed with The Rear View.

Lastly, behold me outside 'BednobsEtc' wearing a Krystle Carrington dress. Amazing but sadly looks like Curtains. I'm wearing my favourite Pin of 2009 which is a Pink Flamingo. I brought down to 'Bednobs' for this photo. But I couldn't help but buy the shoes. Tomorrow they shut for maybe three weeks. I am sad, but slightly relieved. Just down there an hour ago. Saw a white tee shirt that had 'You are innocent even when proven guilty'. What a relief to know!

Almost, but not quite made the Official Time Limit

The Rogue Weather Vane

Hello there. Remember me?

I'm the Writer of Sparsely Elegant Minimalist Prose whose Signature Style is Capitalisation & Numbered Points.

1. Again, it's nite. And I'm going to spell it like that from now on. It reminds me of my childhood, which is always comforting even though it wasn't at the time.

2. Look look look at me above. I'm wearing Holiday Clothes. You can tell because I'm wearing Flat Gladiator Sandals. This morning whilst I was standing on the escalator at Bondi Westfield waiting to be transported up to the 'Fitness First' gym, I had a thought about the ridiculousness of wearing Towering Inferno High Heels. I had tried on a pair in (or is it 'at'?) 'Target' & it honestly felt like I was on stilts. And any moment I could have a Great Fall just like Humpty Dumpty.

Wouldn't it wonderful if someone started A Flat Shoe Movement which sounds a little like The Slow Food Movement ?

I certainly wouldn't start it as I'm a Follower not a Leader. Perhaps someone else will.

3. More on Miniature Companion Horses.

Today I was sooo excited when I was sent this photo of Velvet, the Large Animal Vet & a Foal. I would love one for Xmas but as I've said before (& heaven help me if I repeat myself), small horses can't live inside an apartment as they do not take to potty training & I certainly couldn't change a horses's nappy.

Last night, I dreamt that I had one but sadly forgot to feed it & when I finally remembered, I felt v. guilty & rushed home to make amends before it died from starvation.

I wonder what that could mean? Perhaps I'm neglecting my Small Horse side.

4. Here's a picture of David Wenham all dressed up as The Villain in hateful 'Australia'. In my last entry, you may recall that I bragged that he is a Near-Neighbour of mine, residing no more than 200 metres from my apartment. I love him.

5. Climate Change. I'm too nervous to actually read what is happening in Copenhagen. Perhaps it's over & I missed it.

But I'm becoming obsessed with the weather. This morning, Google's Weather Vane went Psycho. When I got up, It told me that the current temperature was minus 3 c. I have lived in Sydney all my life & it's never been that cold . Ever.

I quickly raced to the TV & turned on The Weather Channel. It gave me the Weekend Forecast for Western Australia which seemed odd particularly as it was now Monday morning.

So, I had to go outside & see for myself. It was about 18c with a Light Drizzle. Decidedly Autumnal.

I bet tomorrow will be a heat wave.

Diamonds on the Souls of My Shoes

It's sunday evening & I'm feeling Smug but exhausted.

So I'm keeping this blog entry short & snappy. If I make a mistake, I'm not going to correct it.

And as usual when I'm a little tired or badly in need of some Internal Organisation, I am going to write in Numbered Points.

1. Why Am I Smug?

Because I have been busy Xmas shopping over the weekend with my daughter who came up from Canberra.

Usually I never bother doing any until the v. last minute.

And then it's usually a Shoddy Affair.

But not so this year. Under the expert guidance of daughter Billie-Mae, I have managed to get most of them except for three Male Gifts. But I must say that I'm absolutely thrilled that I actually have to buy Gifts for Men as it feels like I live in A City of Women. Not that I'm complaining.

2.Talking of Women. And Men. As I type, I've got Baz Luhrmann's 'Australia' on on mute. I had to mute it because I couldn't stand the sound of Nicole's fake Plummy English Accent. Why couldn't she speak in her usual Aussie voice, I wonder? Even her fake American accent would be better.

And then there's Hugh Jackman who has obviously had his teeth Artificially Whitened, something I'm planning to do soon when I've finished my series of Omnilux Facial treatments. Talking of Hugh Jackman, my friend Di who is Incredibly Picky in just about every aspect of her life, went to University with Hugh. They both studied Communications at The University of Technology in Sydney. Anyway, Hugh asked her out & she said No.

3. I must say that I bought Magnificent Gifts.

My step-son Tyler & Billie-Mae are getting v. expensive scented candles made by French Candlemakers 'Cire Trudon' who have been in business since 1643. You know, since Louis Whatever. As I type, I'm burning mine which is supposed to be the smell of Versailles Floors.

I thought everything Stunk back then. But judging by the wonderful aroma coming from the candle, I am Again Wrong. I have hardly if ever smelt anything this good.

4. Scroll back to the beginning & look look look at the Golden Sandals that I thrifted from 'BednobsEtc'. They are of course Italian. Please don't be put off by the Slightly Strange Purplish colour of my feet. I do NOT have liver damage, in case you were wondering.

Talking of my Favourite Shop. It is taking what I consider to be an Inordinately Long Holiday starting next saturday & not opening until half way through January. In the meantime, I will have to Scour Sydney to find Thriftaholics Anonymous Meetings to attend.

When the manager of the Shop told me last week, I pretended to be Super-Happy that she was able to have such a Long Break.

'Oh Gabe', I gushed, 'You soooo deserve it!' Inside I was devastated.

5. Here's a couple of looks from my Middleagedteacher's Holiday Wardrobe Diary. Both outfits feature the Chandelier Earring, something that I seem to be gravitating to at the moment. Perhaps it's because I'm absolutely dying to install Real Chandeliers in my apartment but haven't done so because (a) I haven't bought any (b) I couldn't be bothered buying them & then lugging them home & then finding an electrician to install them (c) I perhaps am a little short of cash as all my money seems to go on Lattes & Thrifted Outfits.

It's far cheaper to wear Chandeliers on my ears.

Rather like Diamonds on the Souls of My Shoes which I always thought was an inspired title for a song even though the song itself reminded me a little too much of Bobby McFerrin's 'Don't Worry Be Happy' or that song a quirky warthog sung in 'the Lion King'.

6. OMG. I just realised that a Near-Neighbour of mine, David Wenham is in 'Australia'. In fact, just about every character actor from our country who is still breathing is in it.

Dear David looks like he's playing a Villain although I can't really tell as the TV is still on Mute. What a shame. I absolutely love him. Perhaps some of you know & also admire him. For years I've silently admired David as I've stood behind him in the line in the local supermarket, 'Woolworths Potts Point', or sat across from him at my favourite cafe, 'Zinc'. Or watched him walk down Macleay Street with his odd little shuffley walk. I can't tell you the strain I've been under. Always to ignore him or avert my eyes, when all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him & smother him with kisses.

6. Better hop into bed before I Overheat.

Only Befores

Gidday Viewers,

Simply hours ago I sat down to write a blog entry.

But then I got distracted by the Season finale of The Fashion Show.

And now it's almost my Official Bedtime & I haven't written a damn thing.

And I'm v. sleepy. Only this very afternoon did I uncharacteristically change the sheets on my Large King Size bed. And I just love hopping into Clean Sheets. Such a rare occasion. Not that I want to create the impression that I'm filthy or anything.

But before I head off to Nod Land, let me walk you through these Outfits from 2008.

Yes, folks, I'm now doing a Retrospective. How Self-Referential!

And can you guess the theme?

That's right. Bloopers.

I can't believe that I wore these outfits. What was I thinking?

But perhaps some of you can't tell the difference between this lot & what I've been wearing lately. There's the same old sockettes, although the 2008 ones seem to be slightly more Holly Hobbyish than the Current Crop.

There's the same old footless tights.

And there's the same old pattern mixing.

But something's Definitely Different. Let's Deconstruct.

I guess now it's less Granny Takes a Trip & more Middleaged Moderne. In 2008, it looks like I was having a competition with myself to see how many layers I could wear at once. And talk about being covered up from top to toe. Like I'm modest or something. Or v. religious. All that's missing is the headwear.

The title of the first photo is 'Prize Fighter' for obvious reasons.

In the next one I'm doing my best Amy Winehouse impersonation. Or a middleagedteacher's version of her. It was taken at the height of My Misery after being dumped by Mr. Ex-Middleaged. You'd never know there was a thing wrong with me.

And then there's 'Chocolate Vomit Mc Slurry' below. Oh dear, I hope I haven't offended anyone with that Racy Title. But you must must must agree with me that it is v. apt.

I've saved the best till last. I've been unable to come up with a title for it. Perhaps you can offer a suggestion?

The Two Thats

Dear Reader

If you were paying attention last time, you would know that I'm Officially on Holidays.

Today has been Monday. It is now early evening & you may be relieved to know that I can safely say that Day 1 has been successful.

Let me briefly walk you through My Day:

1. I spent quite some time lolling in bed enjoying my new Slightly Used V. Grand & Luxurious Coffee Coloured with Pearls Sewn on It Bedcover with Matching Pillows that I thrifted from 'Bednobs & Broomsticks' last friday.

2. I ate a Mango that was Slightly Tasteless & lacking in Juiciness. I ate the remains of last night's Roast Lamb that had a lot of taste but not in a good way. (Rubber).

For the past couple of days I have been trying not to eat because I gained a kilo from shovelling in loads of food at school last week.

See what a Knife Edge I'm on?

3. I had an afternoon latte at my favourite cafe 'Zinc' with my Great Friend Maudie Dark Light Star. This was perhaps the Apex of my Day. I had such fun. What wasn't fun was that I felt compelled to pay my weekly, or was it three-weekly bill which came to $188. Of course, I'm showing off that I have a Tab at a Cafe. How many of you have got one?

Sometimes I feel that I'm living in Sesame Street. Or maybe 'Cheers' when Terri Garr was in it. Perhaps she was never in it. It just felt like she was.

Now it's Almost Night. And I suppose I should Walk You through the photos which don't go at all with the text. But I do rather like the tension that that creates. And I do like The Two Thats.

All the snaps were taken before I went on holidays, so they belong to The Middleagedteacher Project which I'm now Milking for all its worth.

Scroll back if you can be bothered to the first photo. I've called it 'Double Fish Woman' which I think is v. clever & charming. I love the slightly Chinese reference - the Chinese seem to love doubles - you know, 'Double Happy' etc., even though there's nothing vaguely Chinese about me or what I'm wearing.

But I've just had a thought: seeing that I'm adopted & all & don't really know much about my Glorious Lineage, I may well have a Chinese Great Grandmother or even Grandmother. Or perhaps a Great Aunt. I would soo love that to be true. If it were, it would explain my lingering love of the novels of Amy Tan & why I cry so much over her sad tales of China.

Back to the Photo. It was the last One of the Year. The dress was freshly thrifted from 'Bednobs Etc' & it is slightly Autumnal even though it's Sweltering Summer most of the time, but occasionally we have a Rogue Day which is slightly unnerving because the Weather is Weird. But don't let me start on that again. Rather look at my two fish pendants that I bought from 'Eternal 21' when I was in the US in July.

And when you're done with that, look look look at my shoes.

But more about them shortly.

Here's me at the Staff Xmas Lunch with a couple of Hangers -On.

What a shame that you can't properly see My Giant Black Flower in the front of the dress I'm wearing.

I'm always wearing that flower. Last week I mentioned that someone called it an External Fetus.

I love the dress because it has a Bubble Hem & you know how fond I am of them. Also it has black beading on the neckline which you won't be able to see either.

The Gaggle of Red Bangles or should I say, the Brace of Bangles created a Jangly Festive look.

Here's My Favourite Purchase of 2009. The Vivienne Westwood. I love it soo much that I even hold on to it when I'm teaching.

Lastly, look look look at my shoes.

Marc Jacobs. Eight bucks at 'Bednobs Etc'. Never mind that they might be half a size too small. I'm wearing them anyway.

Trixie said that she thought they 'looked cheap'. I have chosen to disregard that comment. And I've also chosen to disregard the fact that I usually have a Difficult Relationship with Lime Green which is the colour of the shoes even though they look yellow in the photo. For me, Lime is associated with Loathsome Middleaged Resort Wear.

Showy middleagedwomen who still love Tanning even though they look like Lumps of Leather really love Lime. I think they think it shows off their Tan.

I think that Lime Shoes is a different kettle of fish than Lime Clothes. I'm choosing to think that way anyway.

I know the Sockettes look stupid. But I was terrified of upsetting the Corn on my little toe which is causing some discomfort.

Lastly Lastly, do look at my Sad little Stick Legs. I have been experimenting with Fake Tan. The experiment has Failed.

The Middleagedteacher Project 2009

As I said this morning to Trixie as we were cleaning our desks in preparation for the School Shutting for the summer holidays, I think that Time is Actually Going Faster. And I don't mean that it just feels that it's going faster. I mean that Everything is Speeding Up. For all of us. Not just the Old People.

I'm sure that I didn't invent this. I never invent things, particularly things from the realm of Pseudo-science. I'm sure I heard an expert say this. And they'd know.

Of course, there are those who say that Time & Space are merely constructs. Or illusions. Wouldn't it be a relief to know that none of this was true? That I really didn't finish school today to go on seven weeks vacation.

If there was no time or space it wouldn't matter that I didn't understand the intricacies of an Emissions Trading Scheme or understand the Dow Jones or the Nasdaq Index, something I've been worried about for years.

I wouldn't have to feel bad about Suicide bombing either.

Or Bad Hair Days. Or wardrobe Malfunctions.

Or who won 'Australian Idol'.

Yes, that's right. You heard it correctly. I went on Seven Weeks Holiday today. That is, if I believed in Time & Space.

I'm done standing in front of a whiteboard for 2009.

I've worn 182 different outfits. No repeats.

This is, or was The Middleagedteacher Project.

Everything this year, except for one navy frilly shirt & a tartan dress with a pussy bow was thrifted mainly from my favourite shop 'BednobsEtc'. I realise that this last sentence was rather Clumsily Constructed, but I couldn't be bothered changing it because I'm exhausted & it's dangerously close to my Official Bedtime. So I'm just going to Phone In the rest of the blog entry.

Here's some quick highlights.

Remember Slightly Slutty? I'd say one of my more successful looks. Watch out for more of this in 2010.

Here's my least successful look below. Sadly, the big pink flowers printed on the top sit where my tits are.

Note the Wearing of Sockettes which I persisted with all year even though my Nasty Colleagues were v. damning of them & said that they spoilt every pair of shoes I wore.

Up theirs, I say!

This was one of my first outfits of the year. I made the necklaces but I'm not sure if the vaguely fifties frock is my style now.

But as the Whiteboard tell you, whatever I'm wearing, 'It's Always All About Me'.