What I Would Wear to the Oscars

In an effort to keep abreast of the times , I've been selflessly trawling through yesterday's Oscar Red Carpet pictures as well as watching the 'E' Channel. 

Pretty Heavy Duty, eh?

I'm sure this isn't news to you, but the 'E' channel is Totally Excremental, although while watching I did catch a tiny sound byte from Heidi Klum that almost, but not quite, made the whole experience worthwhile.  

The Poor Thing was forced to wear a Couture Gown that had a giant steel-plated bow growing out of one side of it which made her long limo drive into the Kodak Theatre absolute torture because she had to 'only sit on one Butt Cheek'.

Rarely have I ever heard the term 'Butt Cheek' used by anyone outside of an Aerobics Instructor at a gym.

I'm sure many of the other Couture Wearers also suffered for their Couture. If they didn't, it looked like they did. Not that I'm Envious or Jealous or Resentful or Toady . I couldn't think of anything worse than trudging down the street with a giant fishtail trailing behind me, catching all the cigarette butts in its path. Isn't that what Anne Hathaway was wearing? 

My favourite look was The Toilet Roll Holder Gown, which owes a great Style Debt to Little Bo Peep. I think the two best in that catagory were Miley Cyrus & Sarah Jessica Parker, although I'm sure there were many other inspirational examples.

And now to Meryl Streep, a catagory all on her own. I have always found wearing Lite Elephant a challenge. And I pride myself on having dear Meryl's colouring. So, Bravo Meryl for daring to wear it. Of course commentators roundly praised her for sensibly wearing sleeves to cover up her, what my last year's Senior Class used to call, 'Oobadoobas'.

 BTW, I am becoming increasingly fascinated by mine. Even though I spend some hours every week in 'Downward Facing Dog' before moving to 'Plank' Pose, the skin around my burgeoning muscles is becoming more & more crepe-like or even frilly. Aging can be fun.

Sophia Loren, pictured air-kissing Meryl, looked like a long-sleeved Coffee Scroll. I wonder if Coffee Scroll translates into other Western Cultures like American? In case it doesn't, its a cake that looks like coffee if it was a cake.

And finally we get to Ethel Merman, a woman who has haunted me for my entire life. I thought this sleeveless gown that she wore in some film would look good on me if I ever went to The Oscars, even though it wouldn't cover up my 'Oobadoobas'.